Femininity and Feminism in Tango (I)

Men and women are best friends from the beginning. Men like women. They treat women better than they treat other men. They are more generous to women than to other men. They choose women to be their life partner. They work hard for the women they love, and they give up their life for them. Women, too, like men. They always try to attract men and win men’s hearts. They trust themselves in men, devote their love to men, unite with men and follow men’s lead. Men and women cherish, need, support, complement and complete each other. Their friendship has been, for the most part, a love story (see Tango and Gender Interdependence).

In the milongas of Buenos Aires I witnessed this love story. I found myself experiencing wonderful relations with Argentine women. At a glance Argentine women do not strike me as prettier than other women, but they did make an impression on me when I danced with them. They are gentle, soft, obedient, affectionate and seductive. They dress femininely and wear flowers. They gaze at you to call your attention. They respond to your cabeceo with a smiling nod. They embrace you warmly with their breasts intimately press against your chest. They twist their body in your arms, wrap your body with their body, and entangle your leg with their leg... Femininity is not their weakness but strength, and they know how to use it to make you feel special. They may be professors, doctors and CEOs in real life, but in the milongas they are just pure, natural, simple and lovely women. That tango is invented by them is no accident. It lives in their blood. Argentine women are the incarnations of femininity and affection. Dancing with them is truly one of life’s most gratifying experiences (see The Gender Expression in Tango).

Without femininity tango will not be the same. Tango requires men to be strong, decisive, dependable, protective and regardful, and women to be gentle, soft, loving, obedient, agreeable and beautiful. Men and women play different roles in tango as they do in life (see The Gender Roles in Tango). One is like stump and branches. The other is like leaves and flowers. Together they make a blossoming tree. One is like brushes, and the other paints, together they create a beautiful painting. In Europe and North America under the influence of feminism, some women accuse this idea of being sexist. They deny gender differences and reject gender expression, refusing to surrender to men and obey men's lead. They demand that macho posturing and gender inequality to be removed from tango, upholding their independence by dancing in an open dance hold to keep a distance from men. They ask men not to lead them but only to offer suggestions, and respect their decision as to how they choose to treat these suggestions. They assert their rights to interrupt the lead, initiate their own steps, reverse gender roles, and form same-sex partnerships. In short, they want tango to be a gender-neutral dance and the milonga to be like a workplace where everybody conducts in a politically correct way (see Tango and Gender Equality).

The masculinization of women in Europe and North America has an undeniable impact on how tango is danced in these societies where the modern way of living encourages women to put on uniforms, hide their gender identity and join the work force to fight like men. Many women choose career over marriage, success over family and independence over relationships. They refuse to be treated as the weaker sex, and push for legislations to protect women’s rights and equal opportunities. As a result, they see themselves less and less as women and more and more like men. In order to compete with men women need to be tough, strong, ambitious and aggressive like men. Many become violent, mean, sloppy and overweight, as they do not care about how men see them any more. They raise violent, mean, sloppy and overweight daughters, expecting them also to fight with men when they grow up. Violent women breed violent murderers, as the world has just witnessed in Newtown, Connecticut. When women behave like men, the relationship between the two sexes deteriorates, the institution of family disintegrates, and children lose parents. When women cease to be feminine, they become less attractive to men, who then turn to the same-sex relationships for help. You wonder why "marriage equality" increasingly becomes a discourse in our society? When women lose their soft, gentle and loving nature that has been the balance to men’s aggression, the world is becoming a more dangerous place.

What femininity is to humanity is like what green is to the environment. I am nostalgic for the missing femininity in our women. I think the world is nostalgic for that also, which is why people around the globe find Argentine women and their dance fascinating. If you dance enough tango, as do the Argentine women, you will know that turning women into men just doesn’t work in tango, as it has caused more problems than solving any in other social discourses. That being said, I am remaining hopeful thanks to Argentine tango, because in tango men and women have to be who they are created to be for their common good - different yet complementary, distinct yet balanced, divergent yet interdependent, and opposite but equal. (See Femininity and Feminism in Tango (II).)

Private Whispers in the Milongas, by Sara Melul

The milongueros, who are the true personalities of the milonga, have the custom of quietly talking with their partner between one tango and another. These whispers sometimes knit a plot that becomes a love story. Others are memories or anecdotes of one night in the milonga. At times they remain just a lovely conversation. The important thing is that, for us who come to dance, these conversations form an essential part of the warm, embracing atmosphere and one of those most important and gratifying moments. Surely there exist many thousands of such examples which different women receive daily in the milongas.

• How well we dance together! You have eyes that I want to eat. I dance better with you; you awaken the creativity in me.
• For me dancing tango is like flying, to surrender to you as a dream, and to enjoy it.
• I am going to tell you something that perhaps you will not like: The brightness of your eyes makes me blind.
• Do you always come here? Where else do you go to dance? I ask in order to follow you until the end of the world.
• Goddess, if I were God, I would have you in my kingdom, but I have you in my arms.
• I congratulate you because with you one can dance very well.
• How I enjoy dancing with you! Each tanda passes by in a breath!
• When we dance together I feel your body.
• You have a tiny waist that I am afraid will break.
• To dance with you is like a dream…how can I not be very happy, I have the best woman, the best music, what more do I need?
• I am enchanted with you, you dance like the goddess, beautiful, free, nothing worries you!
• After dancing the first tango with you, how could I leave now?
• They made this tango for you. It is called “to the grand doll.”
• Since I met you there is no other woman for me! I will come next week just to dance with you…
• You dance divinely…do you understand me? One only would want to know, to touch you and dance all night…
• You are something unbelievable. One can dance with you all night without being bored.
• I want to dance with you and catch your perfume!
• I want only to enjoy you in this dance…we will not talk. I am jealous when you do not dance with me…
• It is incredible how you dance. You are a monument to femininity.

Contributed by Sara Melul, El chamuyo en las milongas