The Age Prejudice in Tango

A few years ago, a friend of mine made a comment in a personal email after she read one of my blog articles. Although I've kept the content private out of respect for her concerns at the time, I think it’s now appropriate to “declassify” it. My last post, How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga, generated a call for discussion on the men’s role in the issue, which is exactly what her comment addresses. Here is her comment:

“I read your blog article with interest and agree with everything you say, but I'd like to comment on one aspect of behavior related to tango that you didn’t mention. I'm making this comment privately rather than publicly because, from bitter experience, I know how annoyed it makes men to hear what I think on this subject. It has to do with men’s attitudes at milongas regarding whom they choose to dance with - and men in Argentina are even worse than men in America about this.

Most men feel entitled to dance only with women they are personally attracted to and who, they think, will enhance their image. I can understand not wanting to dance with women who are poor dancers or unpleasant people, but this is seldom the case. Men tend to ignore women who aren’t sufficiently attractive or young, even if they are good dancers and even if they have friendly relationships with them. Women can sit out tanda after tanda, surrounded by men they know who otherwise treat them kindly, but who will ask every other woman around to dance while ignoring those they deem undesirable as romantic prospects or status symbols on the dance floor.

When this subject is broached, men often get very angry, or if a woman shows her disappointment while sitting alone, they resent the implication that they owe anyone anything or that they’ve failed in courtesy or generosity. Then they blame the women, calling them bad sports or accusing them of unfair demands. We're all taught that milongas are social gatherings, and the idea of the tango community is emphasized. Yet, while most women will dance with men they don’t particularly enjoy dancing with to be civil and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, almost no men will go out of their way to help a woman enjoy herself at a milonga unless they personally want to dance with her. I think that the integrity and social concern you rightly address should include more compassion in partner choice.

At every milonga I've ever attended, I see women suffering silently as they sit unasked among friends and acquaintances, not to mention strangers, while young, attractive beginners are asked constantly. My own gray hair has put me in this position all too often, and in Buenos Aires, I was even told that if I wanted men to dance with me, I should dye my hair or wear a wig because men don’t want to be associated with aging women on the dance floor. This chronic macho selfishness is tango’s biggest drawback for women, and it’s a deep source of sorrow for more women than you might imagine.”

I have to admit I felt guilty as I read her comment, realizing that until then, I’d never seriously considered how deeply some women are affected by the way they’re treated by men, myself included. Though many see the milonga as a refuge, it’s often a bittersweet place where men and women come together to tango, yet our enjoyment of the dance is too often hampered by prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness.

I can’t argue with human nature. Men are attracted to young, beautiful, and sexy women, just as women are drawn to young, handsome, and attractive men; we all tango for pleasure. However, we shouldn’t let our natural inclinations mislead us. A tango partner is not a life partner. Whether she is young, pretty, or fertile is irrelevant. What matters is her knowledge, understanding, musicality, taste, skills, and maturity as a tango dancer. These qualities take years of diligent study, practice, and education - at least ten years, in my opinion. Tango is an adult dance. Most people begin their tango journey as adults, often after completing their child-rearing responsibilities. By the time they truly get it, they are no longer young. That’s why milongueros and milongueras are generally older, yet they’re regarded as symbols of tango status. Dancers from all over the world come to Buenos Aires to dance with them.

In the US, the first and second generations of tango dancers are also reaching senior age, as the revival of tango that began in 1983 is now more than thirty years old. But unlike Argentina, here senior dancers often face ageism. At a recent event I attended, out of over a hundred participants, about a dozen older women sat mostly ignored. Under encouragement from the organizer, I decided to dance with each of these women, and it turned out to be a wonderful experience because all of them were excellent dancers, with most having danced tango for more than ten years. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about the naivety of bias against older dancers.

I’m not saying all older people are great dancers, nor do I advocate “charity” dances. But I believe that age discrimination in tango doesn’t make sense. It’s in our own interest not to judge or confuse tango with courtship. From my experience, women in their fifties and sixties are often the best social dancers. Men, especially younger men, shouldn’t miss the chance to dance with them. While mature women may not appear as fresh and sexy as younger ones, their embrace, connection, musicality, communication, and coordination are often much stronger. In other words, they have attained a deeper understanding of tango - a strength that mature women can fully use to serve themselves.

How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga

1. Be active
When fishing you need to attract fish with baits and lure them to bite. If you sit there with an empty and motionless hook, chances are that you will not get many bites. Non-action is a reason why some women are not invited to dance in the milongas. Men, like fish, are attracted to live baits. They do not reach out without incentives. This is so especially because 54.1% of men are introverts compare to 47.5% of women are introverts in the US, according to a study by the Myers-Briggs organization. If you just sit there passively waiting for men to come, chances are that you will sit there for a long time (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

2. Be observant
Passive women are not actively engaged in the invitation process. They don't pay attention to how men act, which men might be their potential partners, where these men sit, how they invite women to dance, whether they are reserved or outgoing, whether they use cabeceo or verbal invitation, etc. They just sit there chatting, browsing phones and waiting for someone to invite them. In contrast, proactive women are first and foremost good observers, who pay attention to men, observe their behaviors, identify prospective matches, locate their seats, and familiarize themselves with their invitation styles, so that they can take actions to catch their attention and be prepared for their move.

3. Pay attention to men
It is important to pay attention to men not only because you need to know your partners but also because men are more responsive to women who pay attention to them. Your attention signals your interest. A man can tell who are interested in him and who are not, and he acts much more positively to those who are. If you turn a blind eye to him, that sends a different message. Beware of the message you send. A gentleman does not force his way on you, he acts according to your will.

4. Be responsive
Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you, such as talking, eating, reading, browsing the phone, sitting with boyfriend, cliquing, being unchanged, wearing non-tango shoes, etc. Instead, let men see that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are watching you, and be responsive to their cabeceo. Don't be afraid of showing your desire to dance. Many times I danced with a woman because she looked at me and stoodds up with a smile as I passed by her. Oftentimes the woman I tried to cabeceo did not get the dance because she sat there like a wooden chicken, but the woman sat next to her got because she was active and responsive.

5. Change your attitude
Don't assume that initiating an invitation is easy for men. They also have self-esteem and can feel embarrassed or humiliated by your rejection. Many will not come back again as a result, and you don't want that. It takes courage for a man to come over and ask you to dance because he runs the risk of being rejected by you in front of others. Don't make it harder by your attitude. Instead, show your empathy and friendliness. Even if you don't want to dance at the moment, responding kindly does you no harm. You will save yourself a potential partner for later that way.

6. Smile more and be approachable
Women often complain that they don't get enough dances, but how many of them look into themselves for why? I don't know how many times women turn a blind eye, ignored me, showed disdain, or averted their eyes, when I tried to approach them. If you want to be invited, the best advice I can give is being friendly and approachable. Make it a habit to smile and let men see the passion in your eyes. I guarantee that you will get a lot more dances that way.

7. Make eye contact with men
Men often walk around in search of a partner. You might think that men walking by you to get a drink, use the bathroom, or something else that has nothing to do with you, but you'd be wrong. They are testing your reactions. If you sit there indifferently, that shows you are not interested. If you raise your head and make eye contact with them, that not only tells them you are looking for a partner, but also gives them a chance to cabeceo you. Making eye contact with men is very important because that is the way you let them know you want to dance.

8. Overcome your pride
In the milongas of Buenos Aires when a man approaches a women's table, every woman in that table will stare at him until they find out whom he is inviting. In the US, however, women have a different attitude. They all sit there wearing a blank face and ignore the man until he has to verbally ask one to dance. Brought up in a culture that teaches women to keep a distance from men, to avoid intimacy, to not give men ideas, to let men chase you and not submit yourself too easily, this kind of attitude is understandable. But if you act like a newbie in the milonga, your chance being invited is slim. Women, especially young women, should not confuse tango with courtship. What the world taught you does not work in the milongas, where men approach you to dance with you, not to steal your heart. In the milongas you need to learn from little children who are pure in heart and can easily get along with anyone.

9. Expand you horizons
A woman may reject a man because she thinks he is not a suitable dance partner for her. Women who hold this bias tend to only dance with men they know well. However, this is a big world. If you spend money attending an event where a large group of dancers from different places gather, it would be wise to take advantage of the opportunity to dance with as many men you don't know as possible. The assumption that someone is not good enough for you is often wrong. Most people seek partner among peers. If you are good and he wants to dance with you, he likely is not too bad either despite his humble appearance. By expanding your horizons, you will experience, learn and enjoy the dance much more.

10. Use cabeceo
Women in this country spend more time on dress than on cabeceo. While dress works to some degree, you will be more successful if you combine that with cabeceo. Cherie Magnus calls cabeceo one of "the most civilized customs" in the milonga (see Women's role in Cabeceo), which I agree. Women must learn this skill because that is the way, and often the only way, sophisticated tangueros use to invite a woman. An experienced tanguero does not oblige you to dance. He looks at you from across the room, or walks to where you can see him and gazes at you. If you exchange eye contact with him, he will nod at you to invite you. If you sit there like a dummy, that shows you are unworthy of his time and he will turn to a more experienced woman. Only novice men will force their way to your seat and ask you to dance. By using cabeceo, you not only get more dances, but better dances as well.

11. Be brave
Dancing with someone better than you can be rewarding, but you need to be brave and take the initiative because chances are that he will not ask. Most experienced tangueros use cabeceo to invite a woman, which will not work if you avoid their eyes. You should not let the thought that you are not good enough to intimidate you. Schopenhauer said, "Man is either vulgar or lonely." The better he is, the lonelier he becomes, and he will be happy to dance with you if you are willing. Don't be timid because of your lack of experience. A good dancer knows how to dance with anyone because tango to him is not a show of skills but an expression of love (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). You will be glad that you made the eye contact with him.

12. Stare at him longer
Some women do make eye contact with men, but they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. Women often think that a subtle cue, such as a quick glance or moving closer, is enough to call a man's attention. However, that's not how men think. A man needs to see you eye-to-eye for a few seconds to make sure you want to dance with him before he makes a move. If you avert your eyes too quickly, he will take that as a rejection. If you want to dance with a man, you need to fix your eyes at him. Only if he doesn't act after ten seconds or more should you then turn your eyes away (see Tango Etiquette: Talking, Eye Contact, Clique and Hierarchy).

13. Be moderate
In a performance you need to be as striking as you can, but in social dancing you should follow the doctrine of the mean (see Social Tango and Performance Tango). Our culture encourages individuality and creativity, which is fine if you only need one man to appreciate your uniqueness. In the milongas, however, you want to get as many invitations as possible. Most men are ordinary folks. If your style is too unconventional, if your skills are too above average, if your dress is too exotic, if you are too fancy and showy, most men will find that intimidating. The emphasis of social tango is the communication of feelings, not the display of styles. A social dancer must balance being yourself and meeting the tastes of most people. Good dance skills do not have to be showy.

14. Be a woman
Men are attracted to women who are feminine, not women who are masculine or gender-neutral. If you cut your hair like a man, dress like a man, like to lead, like to dance with women, or wear flat shoes, your chance being invited by men will be limited. Some women think it's cool to imitate men. While there may be few guys who like that, most men don't. That's just the nature of being men. If you believe you don't have to respect that, that's your choice. But if you want to dance with men, then you must assume the feminine role in the partnership. Tango is not a showcase for individualism and feminism (see Femininity and Feminism (I)).

15. Improve yourself
Not getting enough invitations is one of the most expressed frustrations among women. While men may be a part to blame (see The Age Prejudice in Tango), I believe women have issues to address also. We all need to acknowledge that our cultural heritage such as egoism, liberalism, individualism, feminism, independence and the focus on the self, contributed to the problem (see Tango and Individualism). Unless we've learned to accept, respect, love and cooperate with each other and developed a culture in our milongas that is different from the culture in which we live, we are not able to fully enjoy tango. That's a challenge we as non-Argentinians all have to face.

Artistic Sublimation and Vulgarism in Tango

Humans are able to draw on common nature or essence of things and abandon their individual and non-essential property in order to formulate a transcendental concept. For example, in the minds of men, the word "woman" refers not to a specific female person, but an abstract idea, as Carlos Gavito put it, "She's a dream of something I want in real life, but that ideal does not have a face." Abstract thinking is one of the things that separate us from animals. While it may lead to generalized biases such as racism, it is also the origin of art. Beauty, after all, is an abstract concept. We take common properties of all women to formulate a goddess with perfect face, figure, curves, hips, legs, softness, flexibility, temperament, character, intelligence, sexuality, fertility, etc., - an ideal lover, companion, partner, friend, wife, and mother of human offspring (see The Conceptional Beauty of Tango).

In fact, desirable features are often highlighted. Statues of women usually have exaggerated curves, fuller breasts, narrower waist, wider hips and longer legs. Such abstraction is found in nearly all artistic expressions. We read even in the Holy Bible such verses, "Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle." (Song of Songs 7:3) "How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit." (Song of Songs 7:6-7) The woman echoed, "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment." (Song of Songs 8:10)

Tango as an art form is in line with the holy words, which sublime our common humanness rather than vulgarize it. A culture that separates decent humanity from vulgarism and endorses the former, I believe, is more civilized than that equates the two and disapproves both. Innocent intimacy between the sexes is human, moral and beautiful. This idea has been accepted by the public, attested with tango. Tango women need to know that using their femininity to attract, please and bring contentment to their male partner is part of their role in tango (see Close Embrace and Open Embrace (I)).

The same is true for men. As Perri Lezzoni wrote in his essay A Little Machismo Goes A Long Way, "One of the most difficult things leaders have to learn is how to put some machismo into the tango connection. The tiniest amount will do but exuding it without offense is not easy. It is the most important spice in the stew; without it there are no women and without women there is no tango... Machismo is the expression of a person’s inner warrior and it is not solely manufactured by men. It is the fighter inside of us that the follower finds so alluring."

Men must understand that what makes us attractive to women is the making of us, our manhood, masculinity and machismo, not political correctness. Women like to rely on our broad shoulder, melt in our strong arms, feel our muscles, admire our strength and enjoy our protection. It is of their nature to seduce us, get our attention, arouse our hunger for them, and submit, surrender and follow our lead. Using our masculinity to support, protect, lead, comfort and bring contentment to them is an essential part of our role in tango (see The Gender Expression in Tango).

The innocent intimacy and playfulness of tango serves our common humanness, fulfills the innate human desire for connection, quenches our thirst for affinity and affection, and strengthens the bond between the two sexes. Despite the criticism that tango is a politically incorrect dance by those who promote a "sanitized version" featuring open embrace and gender neutrality, their claim that tango enhances gender inequality and sexual harassment contradicts the reality. Tango dancers all over the world can testify that though an intimate dance, tango is not sexual. Like ballet, figure skating and other similar art forms, tango is an artistic sublimation. Moral defenders are either outsiders who know nothing about tango, or hypocrites with dubious intentions. Instead of blaming tango, they should get to know the dance first. They should understand that good manner is the first card people play in tango, that nobody will dance with you if you show no respect for others, and that bad behavior will not be tolerated by the tango community, so the "sanitized version" is superfluous. (See Tango and Gender Interdependence.)

Tango and the Outlook on Life

One

Two FB friends, Oliver and Tony, are both great tango dancers. One left Buenos Aires to teach tango in the US, while the other left the US and moved to Buenos Aires to dance tango. They exchanged the following thoughts on the life of milongueros.

Oliver: "There is a big, big fantasy in many people's minds about the life of the milonguero. Many are in love with the fantasy of emulating this life, but maybe they don’t actually know what a milonguero is or what kind of life led them to this status. They didn't plan this life; it just evolved through their passion and their choices.

Imagine yourself as a 20-year-old going to the disco every night, hanging out with friends, trying to get that girl or boy you like, not caring much about getting a job, avoiding responsibility. Before you realize it, time has passed. You are no longer in your 20s but in your 30s, 40s, or even 50s - and still going to the disco every night. During these 30 years, you had to do something besides dancing. Maybe some of you chose to live with your parents (if they weren’t smart enough to kick you out), others took mundane day jobs or simple afternoon shifts just to earn enough to sustain the disco lifestyle. Some may have even considered other 'special jobs' - dangerous ones, quick money. There wasn’t always food on the table, and life wasn’t always simple. Promoters of the disco world saw opportunities to exploit these fanatics by offering more and more hours during which they could lose themselves in this dance. While others studied or built careers, putting their love of dance in perspective, you were - and are still - dancing or hanging out in this world.

When you reach 70, you've lived the life you chose. You didn’t plan to become a 'milonguero' - or, in this case, a 'discoero' - it just happened because of your choices. You simply lived! Had you known the outcome, would you have done the same?

There’s a fascination with milongueros in Buenos Aires. Unfortunately, time is the enemy, and most are now resting in peace. Looking back, the question for those who worship them is: would you actually choose to live the life they did? It's like being fascinated by the mafia world - would you actually kill someone or handle situations where talking is no longer an option? You can't be a tough guy without being tough. I heard someone say, 'I am living the life of a milonguero in Buenos Aires. I know the rules of the milongas, I know where people sit, and the icons of tango say hello to me.' But this is just the packaging, my friends, not the reality.

A milonguero is someone who spent their life at the milongas - dancing, chatting, hanging out, or just passing time. Some people have the sensitivity to see the milonguero as a result of life choices rather than a plan to become one. I’m not sure that every milonguero-wanna-be could make that transition consciously and pursue that status for the future."

Tony: "While I appreciate the metaphor - and even more, the American tendency to inappropriately romanticize the life of the milonguero - I ask that you consider an alternative scenario.

Imagine you don’t have the opportunities we have in the US… that your government is in flux and frequently reorganized by the military… that friends of yours regularly disappear, never to be seen again… that your economy periodically collapses and inflation is cyclical… that catering to tourists is your best economic opportunity… and that you both like tango and have the natural skill to support yourself through it.

Imagine that, over your lifetime, the safest and most reliable place in your world was the milongas.

How many American businessmen lie in a hospital bed after a heart attack, look around, and ask themselves, 'How did I end up spending my life this way? Working too many hours… my loved one is a stranger, if we’re not already divorced… I missed my children growing up because I worked too much… I spent my life, not with friends, but pursuing “financial security,” and in the end, I ended up here.'

Oliver, one thing we completely agree on: 'They didn't plan this life; it just evolved through their passion and their choices.' And with those choices, we must ultimately accept responsibility for the outcomes."

Two

Though they disagree on whether the life of milongueros is worth living, both opinions are based on facts. The question remains: how should people live? What constitutes a good life? Why are some lifestyles enviable and others not? Would public opinion change if dancing tango could make people rich?

We’re taught from a young age to study hard, work hard, and become successful and wealthy. Under such influence, pursuing wealth becomes the ambition of many, leading them to use every conceivable means to make money. Meanwhile, the market provides us with more and more upscale luxuries, turning us into sophisticated materialists. We call this desire "the pursuit of happiness." We attribute it to Protestant ethics, developing theories like capitalism, private ownership, individual rights, and economic freedom to justify our avarice. But no matter how we rationalize it, the sad truth is that many problems of our modern world - such as intense competition, stress, predatory practices, monopolies, gun proliferation, doping, human trafficking, wealth concentration, political corruption, natural resource depletion, pollution, ecosystem collapse, and economic inequality - are results of this relentless pursuit of wealth (see Mammonism).

Any sensible person can see that the unrestrained pursuit of wealth is an ill-advised practice. Planetary resources are limited and can’t provide eight billion people with extravagant lifestyles. As gifts of nature meant for all humans whose equality we hold to be a self-evident truth, resources should be used rationally, prudently, and equitably - not exploited for personal luxury or wealth at the cost of the environment and future generations.

A truly civilized society, I believe, should embrace thrift, simplicity, equality, sharing, and cooperation, not luxury, greed, competition, and monopoly. It shouldn’t allow a few to accumulate unlimited wealth but should promote a sound outlook on life - not the so-called "philosophy of success." It should encourage small, diversified economic models that benefit both the environment and social equality, not allow some to become so big that others cannot compete. It should ensure everyone a fair platform to work together for a common purpose, rather than letting a few profit from exploiting the majority. And it should reform its democratic system, not deregulate political contributions to let money influence lawmaking in favor of special interests.

Three

Recently, a story with deep meaning circulated online: An American businessman sat on a pier in a Mexican fishing village, watching a fisherman pull his boat ashore, carrying several large tunas. After complimenting the fisherman, the American asked, "How long did it take to catch these?" The Mexican replied, "About an hour." The American asked, "Why not catch more?" The Mexican responded, "These are enough for today." The American asked, "What do you do with the rest of your day?" The Mexican replied, "I sleep until I naturally wake up, then I fish for a bit. When I return I play with my kids. After lunch I take a nap with my wife, and in the evening I go to the wine shop to drink and play guitar with my buddies. My life is busy and fulfilling." The American said, "I have an MBA from Harvard. Let me give you some advice. If you work more hours each day, soon you could buy a bigger boat, then more boats, and hire people. Then you could open a processing plant and eventually expand to Mexico City, Los Angeles and New York City. This way you could make a fortune." The Mexican asked, "How long will that all take?" The American answered, "Fifteen to twenty years." The Mexican asked, "And then?" The American answered, "Then you can retire, sleep until you naturally wake up, go catch some fish, take a nap at noon, and have fun in the evening." The Mexican laughed, "Isn’t that what I’m doing now?"

This story contrasts two life philosophies. Whether it praises the American’s vision or satirizes his shortsightedness, or whether it criticizes the Mexican fisherman’s lack of ambition or praises his natural wisdom, the takeaway depends on the reader. Many might view the Mexican fisherman as a lazy idler lacking the desire to succeed, but is that true? If his philosophy of "enough for today" were universal, what would our world be like? Would not there be less competition and more harmony? Would not life be less stressful and more enjoyable? Would not there be less greed, waste, corruption, evil and more contentment, simplicity, honesty and good? Would not the sky be bluer, water clearer, resources abundant and ecosystem balanced? Would not the world be more peaceful?

In my view, the crisis of the modern world doesn’t come from the Mexican fisherman’s simple approach to life, but from the American businessman’s greedy ambition and the materialistic view of happiness. Tango dancers seem to better understand this - they embrace a simple lifestyle valuing connection, affinity, and harmony over material gains. Many of them even follow in the footsteps of the milongueros. I know several people who retired from well-paid jobs and moved to Buenos Aires for tango. Their choices at least demonstrate that while money may be necessary for happiness, it isn’t sufficient. True happiness requires contentment of the soul.

The world has long recognized this wisdom. Lao Tzu and Chuang Tzu advocated simplicity, detachment from worldly success, and a return to nature. Tao Yuanming resigned from a government job to embrace a peaceful rural life. Asked about the best home, Pittacus of Mytilene answered, "It has neither luxury nor lack of necessity." Forrest Gump said, "There’s only so much fortune a man really needs, and the rest is just for showing off." Yu Juan said, "Being with the ones you love makes you feel warm even in a humble home." These people are like the milongueros and the Mexican fisherman. They preserved the essence of being human without becoming slaves to money.

I believe the world needs more people like them because it simply cannot withstand the devastation of materialism any longer (see The World Needs a Different Philosophy).

Activity and Passivity in Tango

If you were caught in the dilemma of either marrying someone who loves you or someone you love, what would your choice be? Most women will likely choose the former because a sense of security is programmed into the female psyche. For a woman, as Eileen Chang said, love means being loved - a safety net for her and her children. Instead, most men will choose to marry the woman they love because men are brought up to be providers and protectors. This gives men certain advantages, as a proactive giver will end up wining the love he yearns, whereas a passive receiver could end up losing everything. Unfortunately, the latter is often the fate of those who married security and failed to contribute.

It might be prudent for a woman to hold back initially during the courtship, as she needs to know that the man is worthy of her before she gives herself to him. But if she remains passive forever, that could be potentially problematic to the relationship. Women must not be deceived by the lie that men always try to take advantage of them. That assumption makes some women perfunctory partners, repressing their initiative, demanding more than what they are willing to offer, or relying on their beauty in exchange for what they think they deserve, etc.

I suspect that is not irrelevant to the perfunctory attitude of some women in tango. They sit there talking and don't care about men. They scowled at the inviters, showing disdain. They use an open dance hold to replace the embrace, prop with their arms against the man or lean back to keep distance. They avoid emotional involvement, focus on the steps and neglect their duty to bring contentment to their partner. At the same time, they expect their partner to make them totally satisfied.

A woman should understand that when she accepts a man's invitation she is not accepting an invitation to do solo but to be a part of a relationship in which mutual satisfaction depends on joint efforts and contributions. The two partners must support, comfort, complement and be there for each other. She shouldn't think of tango as courtship wherein she can hold back. Rather, she has to see it as marriage in which partners must spare no effort to work together as a team. Contrary to ideologies that focus on the individuality, independence and self-interest of the individual, tango focuses on the oneness, sharing, cooperation and harmony of the union. To tango is not to demand and take, but to contribute and give. (See Tango Is a Relationship.)

The passivity of women is a result of their self-protection instinct. Men, on the other hand, are hunters. It makes men proud to pursue, conquer, protect and provide for their loved ones. Laboratory research indicates that certain part of the mouse's brain is associated with both sexuality and aggression. Stimulating that part will cause sexual urge. Increasing the stimulation on that same spot will result in violent behaviors. This suggests that the self-control and empathy of men are learned or cultured behavior, which elevates them from the beast. Women, on the other hand, need to counteract their passivity and be more active in the relationship, because they are not just men's mating partners but partners in many other areas of life including tango that require teamwork and cooperation. Tango partners must be equal contributors to each other's needs. This desire to make the partner happy, I believe, is an essential trait of a good tango dancer. (See A Dance that Teaches People to Love.).)

The women in the videos below all have a positive attitude and are able to let themselves go in the dance, which make their performances not only captivating but also contagious, stimulating the passion and creativity of their partners.

The Gender Roles in Tango

In tango, each partner assumes a distinct role associated with their gender. Gender roles are disrupted when, for example, the woman refuses to surrender, leans back to distance herself from the man, resists his lead through disobedience, neglects her responsibility to ensure his comfort, interferes with his guidance, or initiates her own steps. Similarly, the man violates his role when he fails to protect the woman, coerces her with force, focuses solely on the steps rather than the music, or prioritizes his own display over hers. Regrettably, such behaviors are all too common in our tango.

One reason for this is we don't teach gender roles. Unlike in Argentina, in this country we do not use the words "men" and "women" in our tango instructions. Instead, we use the generic terms "leaders" and "followers," and we allow either gender to play either role with absolutely no understanding of what that role is about and how to embody it. While this approach appears politically correct, it does not provide students with an understanding of the roles they are playing. We focus solely on the mechanics of the dance, and fail to train students to function as men or women, to be masculine or feminine, and to be attractive to the opposite sex. There is a lack of gender expression, flirtation, seduction, intimacy, and emotional interactions in our tango. As a result, our tango becomes a gender-neutral dance.

However, in Argentina where men are much more masculine and women are much more feminine, tango is exactly the opposite of a gender-neutral play. Argentine tango is a passionate and elaborate celebration of masculinity and femininity. It accentuates rather than diminishes the differences between the sexes. It fulfills the innate human desire for connection between opposites, facilitated through intimate physical and emotional interactions. It is a soulful, sensual, and seductive dance.

Despite the current trend in the US to challenge traditional gender roles, one fact remains unchanged: no one can be at their best against their nature. The reality is that a woman's natural physical traits, such as being shorter, lighter, softer, and more delicate, make it challenging for her to take on the role of the leader. She simply cannot be as strong and reliable as the leader must be and function as a man must function to a woman, regardless of how technically knowledgeable she is on leading. Conversely, a man's taller, heavier, and more robust build makes it difficult for him to assume the follower's role. He simply cannot be as light and flexible as the follower must be and function as a woman must function to a man, regardless of how technically knowledgeable he is on following (see Tango and Gender Interdependence). Tango is not merely about leading and following; it is an intricate interplay between the masculine and the feminine. Without these inherent qualities, tango loses its beauty, charm, richness, and depth.

So, what are the roles of men and women in tango and how different their roles are?

Men in general are taller, heavier, stronger, and physically more reliable than women. Additionally, men have a psychological disposition that differs from women as a result of millions of years of human evolution through natural selection. This includes a drive to take initiative, subdue, conquer, exert control, and protect loved ones. Accordingly, men assume the masculine role in tango, as they do in life. The following are some of the functions associated with the male role in tango.

1. Leading the woman. For the couple to dance in unison and harmony, their actions must agree. For that to happen, only one of them can take the lead and the other must follow. In tango, the man leads the woman. He does so not by using force, but by showing an intention with his torso of how he wants her to move, which she in his embrace can feel. He then matches her response to complete the lead.

2. Plotting the dance. In tango, the man is more strategic, while the woman is more tactical. The man dances around the dance floor, and the woman dances around the man (see Dancing around the Man). The woman may beautify the dance with her flexible body and colorful footwork, but she cannot plot the dance and change the choreography. That responsibility lies in the man, who must make the dance well-arranged and interesting so that it can bring the woman's feminine beauty into full play.

3. Supporting her. In tango, women's delicacy and dependence are compensated and satisfied by men's strength, which is one of the reasons why tango attracts women. Although she is liable for her own balance and stability, in actual dancing she often needs his help. The man must be the pillar for her, supporting her with his body to keep her stable in dancing. He must be as solid as a refrigerator. The unsteadiness on his part will shake her trust and affect her dance.

4. Leading her to dance to music. The man's musicality is the most important element in leading. He must dance the music and not the steps. He must stir up her emotions and get her resonate with the music. He should not only think about the steps and forget about the music. He should not focus only on his own timing and forget about hers. Rather, he should focus on timing her movements even that might mean he is a bit off beat himself when necessary, because he dances for her. His job is to make her totally enjoy the music and the dance.

5. Shining her. A gentleman lets the woman shine in his company. He leads her to dance in such a way that fully reveals her feminine beauty (see Revealing Her Beauty in Tango). He makes her, rather than himself, the center of attention. He does not show off his skills for self-glorification and leave her eclipsed (see Partner-Centered Leading vs. Self-Centered Leadingd).

6. Protecting her. A gentleman takes his protective role seriously. He respects the line of dance, complies with navigation rules, keeps a proper distance from other dancers, halts when necessary and does not run into people. He prevents his partner from being bumped, kicked or stepped by others. He does not lead steps that may hurt her or others (see Spot Dancing in Tango).

7. Pampering her. It is not manly to be rude and savage to women. A gentleman treats the woman with respect, appreciation and attentiveness. He holds her tenderly like holding a bay in his arms. He leads her gently, carefully, patiently and protectively. He makes her feel pampered in his arms and fully enjoy dancing with him (see Men's Common Mistakes in Tango).

In contrast, women typically lack the physical build and strength of men, with a smaller stature, lighter weight, and softer, more flexible features that are often associated with beauty and delicacy. Women's psychology also differs from men's due to their reproductive nature, including a desire for beauty (to attract a mate), affection, protection, and security, which are also the result of natural selection. Accordingly, women take on the feminine role in tango, as they do in life. The following are some of the functions associated with the female role in tango.

1. Complete surrender. The woman must entrust herself to the man. She must let go her ego, relax her body, be obedient, and move in harmony with him. By her surrender she dispels his misgiving and gives him permission to be her leader. Just like when a baby is born the young parents suddenly become grownups, she makes him a man by being a woman (see Tango and Trust).

2. Following his lead. She must be calm and unhurried, wait for his signal to tell her how to move, and follow the lead one step at a time. She must not act on her own, initiate the step, or interfere with his lead. While being obedient, however, she must be an active part of the dance. Following is not passively responding. It is a dynamic action that takes wit, ingenuity and creativeness (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

3. Being light and agile. She must make herself light and easy for the man to lead her. She must not put too much weight on him and become his burden. She must keep her own balance and not grab or hang on him for stability. She must not resist him, do her own thing, or wrestle with him. She must be proactive, sensitive and responsive to his lead at all time, and she must move agilely (see Balance and Lightness).

4. Dancing to music. Women in general are more intuitive, which makes it possible for them to focus on the music instead of the lead. The man does his part to lead the woman to dance to music, but his interpretation may not always accurately represent the music. For two partners to dance as one in sync to music, the woman must also do her part to express the music. A good follower can dance to music creatively while remain in perfect agreement and harmony with the man.

5. Complementing the man. As his partner she must work closely with him, help bring out his strengths, and compensate for his weaknesses. She excites him with her femininity, and dances in such a way that is light, inspiring and contagious. She supports him when he loses balance, keeps the beat when he is off time, slows him down if he rushes, and warns him if he is to run into someone. She helps maintain the coherence and integrity of the dance.

6. Beautifying the dance. Women's slender, light, soft and flexible body makes them natural decorators in tango. The man leads the dance, but it is the woman who shines the dance with her elegant posture, graceful movements, dexterous footwork, and colorful embellishments. A good follower, however, does not interfere with the lead. She remains in unison and harmony with the man while beautifying the dance.

7. Being a woman. The woman must dance as a woman, not impassive robot. She must dance with passion and feelings. She must make the man feel comfortable holding her in his arms and enjoy her presence. She must willingly show her softness, gentleness, affaction, and seduction. She understands that her femininity and attraction are the reason why he enjoys dancing with her rather than a man. By being a woman, she can bring out the best in a man and be rewarded fully as a result.

In conclusion, gender roles, embedded in the nature of this dance, play a vital role in tango, and should not be dismissed. The distinctions between masculine and feminine roles reflect the biological, psychological, and emotional differences between the sexes. This duality enhances the beauty, charm, richness, and depth of tango. Attempts to neutralize or reverse these roles, although professedly politically correct, violate human nature and undermine the essence and value of the dance, therefore are not beneficial to tango (see The Gender Expression in Tango).