Activity and Passivity in Tango

If faced with the dilemma of marrying someone who loves you or someone you love, which would you choose? Most women would likely opt for the former, as a sense of security is deeply ingrained in the female psyche. As Eileen Chang once said, for a woman, love means being loved—a safety net for herself and her children. Conversely, most men would choose to marry the woman they love, as they are raised to be providers and protectors. This dynamic often works to a man's advantage, as an active giver is more likely to win the love he desires, whereas a passive receiver risks losing everything. Unfortunately, those who marry for security without contributing to the relationship often meet this fate.

During courtship, it may be wise for a woman to hold back initially, ensuring a man is worthy before fully committing. However, remaining passive indefinitely can be detrimental to a relationship. Women should not fall into the misconception that men are always seeking to take advantage of them. Such beliefs can lead to a transactional approach to relationships—where a woman demands more than she offers, suppresses her initiative, or relies solely on her beauty to secure what she believes she deserves.

This passive attitude is sometimes reflected in tango. Some women sit idly, uninterested in men, greeting invitations with indifference or even disdain. On the dance floor, they keep their distance—using an open dance hold instead of embracing, propping their arms against their partner, or leaning back to maintain space. They avoid emotional engagement, focusing solely on the steps and neglect their duty to bring contentment to their partner. At the same time, they expect their partner to fully satisfy them.

A woman should understand that when she accepts an invitation to tango, she is not agreeing to dance alone but to enter into a shared experience. Just like in a relationship, mutual satisfaction depends on joint effort. Both partners must support, comfort, complement, and be there for each other. Tango should not be treated like courtship, where one person withholds; rather, it should be seen as a marriage—an equal partnership that thrives on cooperation. Contrary to modern ideologies that emphasize individuality, independence, and self-interest, tango focuses on unity, sharing, cooperation, and harmony. To tango is not to demand and take but to contribute and give. (See Tango Is a Relationship.)

A woman's passivity often stems from an instinct for self-preservation, while men, as natural hunters, take pride in pursuit, conquest, and protection. Research on mice suggests that the same area of the brain governs both sexuality and aggression. When stimulated, it triggers sexual urges, and when further intensified, it leads to violent behavior. This implies that men's empathy and self-control are cultivated rather than innate. Meanwhile, women must actively counter their passivity and engage more fully in relationships—not just as romantic partners but in all aspects of life, including tango, which demands cooperation. A good tango dancer, like a good partner in life, strives to bring fulfillment to the other (see A Dance that Teaches People to Love).

The women in the videos below embody this spirit. Their ability to let go and fully immerse themselves in the dance makes their performances captivating and contagious, inspiring passion and creativity in their partners.