Activity and Passivity in Tango

If faced with the dilemma of marrying someone who loves you versus someone you love, which would you choose? Most women would likely opt for the former, as a sense of security is deeply rooted in the female psyche. As Eileen Chang once said, for a woman, love often means being loved—a safeguard for herself and her children. In contrast, most men tend to marry the women they love, having been raised to see themselves as providers and protectors. This dynamic generally works in a man's favor: an active giver is more likely to win the love he desires, whereas a passive receiver risks losing everything. Sadly, those who marry for security without contributing meaningfully to the relationship often face such an outcome.

It is wise for a woman to exercise restraint during courtship, ensuring a man is truly worthy before fully committing. However, remaining passive indefinitely can damage a relationship. Women should be cautious not to fall into the belief that men are always seeking to exploit them. Such thinking can foster a transactional attitude toward relationships, where a woman suppresses her initiative, demands more than she offers, or relies solely on her beauty to secure what she feels entitled to.

This passive mindset often surfaces in tango as well. Some women sit idly, appearing disinterested, and greet invitations with indifference or even disdain. When they dance, they maintain distance—using open holds, propping their arms against their partners, or leaning back—avoiding emotional engagement and focusing mechanically on steps while neglecting their partner’s presence. Yet, at the same time, they expect their partners to provide complete satisfaction.

A woman must understand that accepting an invitation to tango is an agreement to participate in a shared experience. Tango, like any relationship, thrives on mutual effort. Both partners must support, comfort, complement, and be fully present for each other. Tango should not mirror courtship, where one person withholds affection, but marriage—a partnership built on mutual contribution and cooperation. Contrary to modern ideologies that stress independence, self-reliance, and self-interest, tango is about unity, cooperation, sharing, and harmony. To tango is not to demand and take but to contribute and give. (See Tango Is a Relationship.)

Women's passivity often stems from an instinct for self-preservation, while men, as natural hunters, take pride in pursuit, conquest, and protection. Research on mice suggests that the same brain region governs both sexuality and aggression: when moderately stimulated, it triggers sexual desire, and when further intensified, it leads to violent behavior. This finding implies that men's empathy and self-restraint are cultivated traits rather than innate ones. Women, too, must actively resist their instinct for passivity and engage more fully—not just in romance but in all aspects of partnership, including tango, which demands their wholehearted participation. I believe that the desire to engage and satisfy one's partner is one of the defining qualities of a good tango dancer (see A Dance that Teaches People to Love).

The women in the videos below embody this spirit. Their ability to let go and fully immerse themselves in the dance makes their performances captivating and contagious, inspiring passion and creativity in their partners.