Tango is not only a fascinating dance but also a fascinating philosophy, culture and lifestyle. The search of tango is the search of connection, love, fellowship, unity, harmony and beauty, i.e., an idealism that is not consistent with the dehumanizing reality of the modern world. The world divides us into individuals, but tango unites us into a team, community and species. In tango we are not individualists, feminists, nationalists, Democrats, Republicans, etc., but interconnected and interdependent members of the human family. Tango calls us to tear down the walls, to build bridges, and to regain humanity through affinity, altruism, cooperation, and accommodation. It is a dance that teaches the world to love.



October 28, 2015

The Age Prejudice in Tango


Few years ago a friend of mine made a comment in a personal email to me after read one of my blog articles. Though I've kept the content private in respect of her concern at the time, I think it is time to "declassify" it now, because my last post, How to Get More Invitations in the MIlonga, generated a call for discussion on the men's part of the problem as well, and her comment is just about that. The following is her comment.

"I read your blog article with interest and agree with everything you say, but I'd like to comment on one aspect of behavior in relation to tango that you didn't mention. I'm making the comment privately instead of publicly because I know from bitter experience how annoyed it makes men to hear what I think on this subject. It has to do with the attitude that men have at milongas regarding whom they choose to dance with, and men in Argentina are even worse than men in America about this. Most men feel a sense of entitlement to dance only with the women they feel personally attracted to and think will enhance their esteem. I can understand not wanting to dance with women who are bad dancers or nasty people, but this is seldom the case. Men tend to ignore women who are either not sufficiently good-looking or not young enough, even if they are good dancers and even if they have friendly relationships with them. Women can sit out tanda after tanda, surrounded by men they know and who otherwise treat them in a friendly way, but who will ask every other woman around to dance while ignoring those who are deemed undesirable as potential romantic partners or status symbols on the dance floor. And men get very angry when this subject is broached, or even if a woman shows her disappointment on her face while sitting alone, because they don't like being made to feel that anything is expected of them that they don't want to do, or that they've failed in courtesy or generosity of spirit. Then they blame the women for being bad sports and having bad attitudes and being unfairly demanding. We're all taught that milongas are social parties, and much is made of the idea of the tango community, but although most women will dance with men they don't particularly enjoy dancing with just to be civil and not hurt people's feelings, almost no men will put themselves out to help a woman have a good time at a milonga unless they really want to dance with her for their own pleasure. I think that the concept of integrity and social concern as opposed to selfish individualism that you so rightly address also should incorporate more compassionate behavior in the choice of partners. At every milonga I've ever been to, I see women suffering silently as they sit unasked among groups of friends and acquaintances, to say nothing of strangers, while pretty young girls get asked constantly even if they're beginners. My own gray hair has put me in this position all too often, and in Buenos Aires I was even told that if I wanted men to dance with me I'd better dye my hair or get a wig, because guys don't like to be associated with aging women on the dance floor. This chronic macho selfishness is the biggest drawback to tango for women, and it's a huge source of sorrow for more women than you could imagine."

I have to admit the guilt I felt as I was reading her comment because until that moment I've never seriously thought about how deeply some women could feel because of the way they were treated by men, including myself. Though considered a refuge by many, the milonga is a bittersweet place in reality, where men and women come to tango together, yet our enjoyment of the dance is too often hampered by our own prejudice, arrogance and selfishness.

I can't argue against human nature. Men are attracted to young, beautiful and sexy women, just as women are attracted to young, handsome and sexy men, and we all tango for pleasure. However, we should not let our human nature mislead us. A tango woman is not a life partner. Whether she is young, pretty and fertile is irrelevant. What matters is her values, understanding, taste, skills, experience, musicality and maturity as a tango dancer. These qualities take years of diligent study, training, practice and education to develop - ten years at least, in my opinion. Tango is an adult dance. Most people do not start their tango journey until sometime in their adult life, probably after they've had their child-rearing responsibilities. By the time they truly get it, they are no longer young. That's why milongueros and milongueras are not young people. Yet in Argentina they are the status symbol. Tango dancers from all over the world come to Buenos Aires to dance with them.

In the US, the first and second generations of tango dancers also are in or reaching their senior ages, since the revival of tango that started in 1983 has been thirty years now. But unlike in Argentina, in this country these senior dancers often are the victims of prejudice. In a recent event that I attended, among more than a hundred participants, there were about a dozen older women who sat there pretty much being left alone. Under the encouragement of the organizer, I decided to dance with each one of these women. It turned out to be a wonderful experience because all of them are excellence dancers, most have danced for more than 10 years. This experience taught me a good lesson about how naive the bias against older dancers is. I am not saying that all old people are good dancers, neither do I promote charity dance. But I believe the age discrimination in tango doesn't make good sense. It is for our own benefit to not be judgmental and mixing tango with courtship. My personal experience told me that women in their fifties and sixties are often the best social dancers. Men, especially younger men, should not miss the chance to dance with them. Mature women may not look as fresh and sexy as young women, but their embrace, connection, communication, coordination, and musicality are often much better. In other words, they have attained a deeper understanding of tango. That is a strength that mature women can fully utilize to serve themselves.



October 18, 2015

How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga


1. Be active
When fishing you need to attract fish with baits and lure them to bite. If you sit there with an empty and motionless hook, chances are that you will not get many bites. Non-action is a reason why some women are not invited to dance in the milongas. Men, like fish, are attracted to live baits. They do not reach out without incentives. This is so especially because 54.1% of men are introverts compare to 47.5% of women are introverts in the US, according to a study by the Myers-Briggs organization. If you just sit there passively waiting for men to come, chances are that you will sit there for a long time. (See Activity and Passivity in Tango.)

2. Be observant
Passive women are not actively engaged in the invitation process. They don't pay attention to how men act, which men might be their potential partners, where these men sit, how they invite women to dance, whether they are reserved or outgoing, whether they use cabeceo or verbal invitation, etc. They just sit there chatting, browsing, eating, waiting for men to invite them. In contrast, proactive women are first and foremost good observers, who pay attention to men, observe their behaviors, identify prospective matches, locate their seats, and familiarize themselves with their invitation styles, so that they can take actions to catch their attention and be prepared for their move.

3. Pay attention to men
It is important to pay attention to men not only because you need to know your partners but also because men are more responsive to women who pay attention to them. Your attention signals your interest. A man can tell who are interested in him and who are not, and he behaves much more positively to those who are. If you turn a blind eye to him, that sends a different message. Beware of the message you send. A gentleman does not force his way on you, he acts according to your will.

4. Get ready and be responsive
Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you, such as talking, eating, reading, browsing the phone, sitting with boyfriend, cliquing, being unchanged, wearing non-tango shoes, etc. Instead, let men see that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are watching you, and be responsive to their cabeceo. Don't be afraid of showing your desire to dance. Many times I danced with a woman because she stood up in front of me with a smiling face when I was just passing her. Oftentimes the woman I tried to cabeceo did not get the dance because she sat there like a wooden chicken, but the woman sat next to her got because she was active and responsive.

5. Change your attitude
Don't assume that initiating an invitation is easy for men. They also have self-esteem and can feel embarrassed or humiliated by your rejection. Many will not come back again as a result, and you don't want that. It takes courage for a man to come over and ask you to dance because he runs the risk of being rejected by you in front of others. Don't make it harder by your attitude. Instead, show your empathy. Even if you don't want to dance at the moment, responding kindly does you no harm. You could save yourself a potential partner for later that way.

6. Smile more and be approachable
Women often complain that they don't get enough dances, but how many of them look into themselves for why? I don't know how many times women averted their eyes, or gave me a vacant look, or simply ignore me, when I tried to approach them. If you want to be invited, the best advice I can give is being friendly and approachable. Make it a habit to smile and let men see the passion in your eyes. I guarantee that you will get a lot more dances that way.

7. Make eye contact with men
Men often walk around in search of a partner. You might think that they are walking past you to get a drink, go to the bathroom, or for other reasons that have nothing to do with you, but you'd be wrong. They are testing your response. If you sit there indifferently, that shows you are not interested. If you raise your head and make eye contact with them, that not only tells them you are looking for a partner, but also gives them a chance to cabeceo you. Making eye contact with men is very important because that is the way you let them know you want to dance.

8. Overcome your pride
In the milongas of Buenos Aires when a man approaches a women's table, every woman in that table will look at him until they find out whom he is inviting. In the US, however, women have a different attitude. They sit there wearing a blank face and ignore the man until he has to verbally ask one to dance. Brought up in a culture that teaches women to keep a distance from men, to avoid intimacy, to not give men ideas, to let men chase you and not submit yourself too easily, this kind of attitude is understandable. But if you act like a newbie in the milonga, your chance being invited is slim. Women, especially young women, should not confuse tango with courtship. What the world taught you does not work in the milongas, where men approach you to dance with you, not to steal your heart. In the milongas you need to learn from little children who are pure in heart and can easily get along with other little children.

9. Expand you horizons
A woman may decline an invitation because she thinks the man is not a right partner for her. By that bias she limits herself to dancing only with the men she knew well. However, this is a big world. If you spend money attending an event where a large group of dancers from different places gather, it would be wise to take advantage of the opportunity to dance with as many men you don't know as possible. The assumption that someone is not good enough for you is often wrong. Most people seek partner among peers. If you are good and he wants to dance with you, he likely is not too bad either despite his humble appearance. By expanding your horizons, you will experience, learn and enjoy the dance more.

10. Use cabeceo
Women in this country spend more time on dresses than on cabeceo. While dress works to some degree, you will be more successful if you combine that with cabeceo. Cherie Magnus calls cabeceo one of "the most civilized customs" in the milonga, which I agree. (See Women's role in Cabeceo.) Women must learn this skill because that is the way, and often the only way, sophisticated tangueros use to invite a woman. An experienced tanguero does not oblige you to dance. He looks at you from across the room, or walks to where you can see him and gazes at you. If you exchange eye contact with him, he will nod at you to invite you. If you sit there like a dummy, that shows you are unworthy of his time and he will turn to a more experienced woman. Only novice men will force their way to your seat and ask you to dance. By using cabeceo, you not only get more dances, but better dances as well.

11. Be brave
Dancing with someone better than you can be rewarding, but you need to be brave and take the initiative because chances are that he will not ask. Most experienced tangueros use cabeceo to invite a woman, which will not work if you avoid their eyes. You should not let the thought that you are not good enough to intimidate you. Schopenhauer said, "Man is either vulgar or lonely." The better he is, the lonelier he becomes, and he will be happy to dance with you if you are willing. Don't be timid because of your lack of experience. A good dancer knows how to dance with anyone because tango to him is not a show of skills but an expression of love. (See The Four Stages of the Tango Journey.) You will be glad that you made the eye contact with him.

12. Stare at him longer
Some women do make eye contact with men, but they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. Women often think that a subtle cue, such as a quick glance or moving closer, is enough to call a man's attention. However, that's not how men think. A man needs to see you eye-to-eye for a few seconds to make sure you want to dance with him before he makes a move. If you avert your eyes too quickly, he will take that as a rejection. If you want to dance with a man, you need to fix your eyes at him. Only if he doesn't act after ten seconds or more should you then turn your eyes away. (See Tango Etiquette: Talking, Eye Contact, Clique and Hierarchy.)

13. Be moderate
In performance tango you need to be as striking as you can, but in social tango you should follow the Golden Mean. Our culture encourages individuality and creativity, which is fine if you only need one man to appreciate your uniqueness. In the milongas, however, you want to get as many invitations as possible. Most men are ordinary folks. If your style is too unconventional, if your dance skill is too above average, if your dress is too exotic, if you are too fancy and showy, most men will find that intimidating. The emphasis of social tango is the communication of feelings, not the display of styles. A social dancer must balance being yourself and meeting the tastes of most people. Good dance skills do not have to be superficial. (See Social Tango and Performance Tango.)

14. Be a woman
Men are attracted to women who are feminine, not women who are masculine or gender-neutral. If you cut your hair like a man, dress like a man, like to lead, like to dance with women, or wear flat shoes, your chance being invited by men will be limited. Some women may think it's cool to imitate men. While there may be some guys who like that, most men don't. That's just the nature of being men. If you believe you don't have to respect that, that's your choice. But if you want to dance with men, then you must assume the feminine role in the partnership. Tango is not a showcase for individualism and feminism. (See Femininity and Feminism (I).)

15. Improve yourself
Not getting enough invitations is one of the most expressed frustrations among women. While men may be a part to blame (See The Age Prejudice in Tango.), I believe women have issues to address also. We all need to acknowledge that our cultural heritage such as egoism, liberalism, individualism, feminism, independence and the focus on the self, contributed to the problem. (See Tango and Individualism.) Unless we've learned to accept, respect, love and cooperate with each other and developed a culture in our milongas that is different from the culture in which we live, we are not able to fully enjoy tango. That's a challenge we as non-Argentinians all have to face. (See The Freedom in Tango.)