Tango is not only a fascinating dance but also a fascinating philosophy, culture and lifestyle. The search of tango is the search of connection, love, unity, beauty, harmony and humanity, i.e., an idealism that is not consistent with the dehumanizing reality of the modern world. The world divides us as individuals, but tango unites us as a community and people. In tango we are not individualists, feminists, nationalists, liberals, conservatives, Democrats, Republicans, etc., but interconnected and interdependent members of the human family. Tango calls us to tear down the walls, to build bridges, and to regain humanity through connection, cooperation, reconciliation and compromise. It is a dance that teaches the world to love.
March 7, 2015
If caught in the dilemma either marry someone who loves you or someone you love, what would be your choice? Most women may prefer the former because security is programmed in women's psychology. For a woman, as Eileen Chang said, love means being loved - a safety net for her and her children. In contrast, most men are more likely to marry someone they love because men are brought up to be the provider and protector. Which gives men certain advantages because a proactive giver may end up wining the love he yearns, whereas a passive receiver could end up losing everything. Unfortunately, that is often the fate of those who marry security and fail to contribute.
It may be wise for a woman to hold back initially during the courtship, as she needs to know that the man is worthy of her before she gives herself up to him. But if she remains passive forever, that could be potentially problematic to the relationship. Women must not be deceived by the lie that men are only interested in one thing. That belief could cause some women to be overly defensive, cut down their efforts and become a perfunctory partner, or rely on their beauty to bargain for what they want, or demand more than what they are willing to give, etc.
I suspect that is not irrelevant to the perfunctoriness of some women in tango. They sit there chatting with each other and pay no attention to men, wear a blank face and keep a distance from their partner, use an open dance hold to replace the embrace, prop with the arms against the man or lean backward to avoid intimate bodily contact, dance emotionlessly, focus on the steps instead of the feelings, and neglect their duty to bring contentment to their partner in the dance. At the same time, they expect their partner to make them totally satisfied.
A woman needs to understand that when she accepts an invitation to dance tango she is not accepting an invitation to do solo performance but to be a part of a relationship in which the two partners must support, complement, comfort and be there for each other. She must not think of tango as a courtship in which she could or should remain reserved. Rather, she has to see it as a marriage in which both partners must spare no effort to work together as a team. Contrary to the ideologies that focus on the self and self-interests of the individual, tango focuses on the cooperative relationship and the collective efforts to build something beautiful and fulfilling for both. To tango, therefore, is not to demand and take, but to contribute and give. (See A Dance that Teaches People to Love.)
The passivity of women is associated with their biology, which leads to their keen sense of safety and security. Shyness is a self-defense mechanism. Men, on the other hand, are hunters. It gives them pleasure to chase, conquer and protect. Laboratory research of mice show that certain part of the brain is associated with both sexuality and aggression. Stimulating that part will cause sexual urge. Increasing the stimulation on that same spot will lead to violent behaviors. This suggests that the empathy and self-control of men are learned or cultured behaviors, which elevate them from the beast. Women, on the other hand, need to counteract their passivity and be more active in their relationship with men because they are not only men's mating partners but also partners in many other areas of life that demand intimate cooperation. Women must not associate intimacy with sex. (See Close Embrace and Open Embrace (I).) The two partners in tango are equal contributors who must work together to create something beautiful, soulful and gratifying together. I believe the spirit of cooperation and giving and the desire to make others happy are essential traits of a good tango dancer.