A Dance That Teaches People to Love

The concept of love encompasses a wide array of emotions. To love tango is to be spellbound by the dance, enveloped in its embrace with an almost addictive fervor. Loving a country means feeling a profound connection and devotion to it. Loving a child involves cherishing, nurturing, and protecting them, while loving a friend evokes deep closeness and appreciation. To love someone for their beauty, intelligence, talent, or character is to hold them in the highest regard, and to love someone of the opposite sex involves experiencing physical and romantic attraction.

Yet, no single definition can fully capture the essence of true love—a powerful blend of appreciation, admiration, adoration, reverence, attraction, affection, and attachment. This profound love compels us to sacrifice for the well-being of our beloved. It is inherently altruistic, devoid of ego and pride, manifesting in selflessness, kindness, generosity, and patience. True love embodies trust, devotion, surrender, obedience, support, accommodation, tolerance, endurance, forgiveness, and protection—much like a mother cares for her children and how tango partners yield to one another in pursuit of harmony and joy.

Unfortunately, many young people today conflate possessiveness and desire with love, failing to recognize it as dedication and sacrifice. They often view relationships through a self-centered lens, taking love for granted. Many believe they are entitled to love, while others see it as a fleeting emotion; still others think it should come without commitment or responsibility. These misconceptions contribute to the widespread fragmentation of relationships.

The truth is, love is not a momentary passion; it is persistent daily actions. Love is defined not by feelings but by deeds. It is about giving rather than receiving. Rather than an unfulfilled longing, love is a shared commitment in which both partners actively nurture each other's happiness. More than mere spontaneity, love demands solemn responsibility. It is not a raging storm but a steady flow. Just as the synergy essential in tango requires continuous and reciprocal effort, love flourishes only through mutual dedication.

Tango serves as a powerful metaphor for love, demanding a delicate balance between two distinct yet complementary roles (see The Gender Roles in Tango). Both require submission, devotion, understanding, trust, patience, cooperation, and profound mutual respect. The wisdom found in tango extends beyond the dance floor, offering a universal blueprint for achieving unity and harmony in all human relationships.

In the dance of love, as in tango, men and women embody different roles. Men, often more physically robust and goal-oriented, express love through providing, protecting, and supporting—practical gestures that may not always resonate with women’s emotional sensibilities. A man does not feel truly loved unless he is appreciated and respected. Conversely, women are generally more emotionally attuned, perceiving love through adoration, protection, and romantic pursuit. A woman does not feel fully loved if her emotional and romantic needs are unmet. Therefore, men must cultivate consideration, romance, and attentiveness, while women should nurture appreciation, respect, and agreeableness.

Recognizing and embracing these intrinsic differences is vital—not only in tango but in life itself. Tango fosters this understanding, teaching teamwork, mutual commitment, cooperation, accommodation, and compromise, enabling a partnership where each individual’s needs are acknowledged and fulfilled (see Tango and Gender Interdependence).

The gift of love, akin to the gift of tango, enriches every sphere of human connection—between spouses, friends, colleagues, citizens, and dance partners alike. Human beings are fundamentally interdependent; thus, the imperative to love one another is both moral and existential. Like hatred, love is reciprocal: when we extend kindness, others respond in kind. In this sense, love is both an act of will and the natural fruit of sustained generosity.

In stark contrast to ideologies that glorify egoism, selfishness, antagonism, and aggression, love is rooted in altruism, compassion, and generosity. It stands in opposition to the individualistic and feminist narratives that increasingly dominate contemporary discourse on relationships. Love is not merely a virtue but a vital skill—one that must be cultivated for society to remain healthy, stable, and harmonious. Just as mastering tango requires dedication and technique, so too does learning to build loving, respectful relationships. Among the myriad skills essential for societal well-being, none is more critical than the ability to love. This philosophy—and this discipline—should be imparted to our youth at every level of education.

Tragically, the American educational system has neglected this foundational lesson. Instead, it embraced ideologies rooted in capitalism, egocentrism, individualism, feminism, and Darwinism. These ideologies encourage young people to become self-centered, competitive, disagreeable, antagonistic, and aggressive—qualities contrary to the spirit of love and tango. The consequences have been dire. An internal Department of Homeland Security report indicated that most foreign-born terrorists operating within the United States became radicalized after years of living here—a stark reminder that our ideological climate fosters alienation and extremism. These same ideologies have sown discord, hostility, division, and dysfunction across American government and society, fueling greed, intolerance, hatred, fractured relationships, divorce, violence, crime—and even strife within the tango community itself. (See A Dance That Challenges Modern Ideologies.)

Few forces have inflicted greater harm on the United States than radical ideologies that glorify egoism, selfishness, greed, individualism, resentment, antagonism, hatred, and belligerence. This country is in desperate need of love, and tango—a dance that teaches people to love—may illuminate a path forward. By embracing the lessons of tango, we can rekindle the essential connections that bind us together, fostering a society rooted in compassion and understanding.

Tango – The Art of Love

One of the unspoken protocols in tango is to avoid blaming, criticizing, or advising your dance partner—unless that role has been explicitly entrusted to you. Milongueros adhere strictly to this code because they understand its importance. Recently, two of my students had a serious falling-out. What began—perhaps with good intentions—quickly spiraled out of control: she made a comment about his leading, and he responded with a remark about her following. Words escalated into insults, and the result was two broken hearts. They may never dance together again.

Learning tango is much like learning a language: it demands time, patience, and dedication. Dancers with fewer than five years of experience are still considered novices. These beginners often feel the most frustration. They long to dance well, yet they’re unsure how to get there. There's so much still to learn, including the etiquette of the milonga. Each novice faces unique challenges and carries opinions about others, yet seasoned dancers often avoid partnering with them. As a result, novices tend to remain within their own circle, where frustrations can turn into mutual blame. Ironically, the faults they see in each other are often reflections of their own struggles. When one accuses the other of stiffness, the feeling is likely mutual. And by the time they’ve finally mastered the steps, hurt feelings and strained relationships may linger.

What many beginners fail to realize is that, whether they like it or not, the people they learn tango with often become the most significant figures in their tango journey. In most cities, the tango community is small, and these early companions may be dance partners for years to come (see 惜缘 – Cherishing the Connection of Fate). It is wiser, then, to accept one another and allow space for mutual growth. In life, when we like someone, we offer compliments. If we tell someone they’re unattractive, chances are they won’t want to see us again. The same principle applies in tango. If you want to dance with someone, always speak positively about their dancing—even when they ask for honesty. How many spouses have gotten into trouble by offering too much honesty? Tango, after all, is not just a dance—it is a relationship, thus the art of love (see Tango Is a Relationship).

Robert Farris Thompson wrote in his book, Tango, the Art History of Love, that tango “is the dance that teaches the world to love.” The idea of tango is to welcome another person into your personal space—to accept them, be considerate, cooperative, yielding, and accommodating; to surrender and become one; to listen deeply to their unspoken emotions; to share intimacy; and to bring them love, joy, and contentment. This is a stark contrast to the values dominant in our modern culture: individualism, independence, self-interest, and aggression. Hopefully, tango will make us a better person who treats others with respect, appreciation and love, accept them as who they are, and put others instead of oneself at the center of one's life and dance. Until then, we are not qualified as tango dancers and cannot dance tango well anyway (see A Dance That Teaches People to Love).