The Connection between Partners

Tango comes alive only when the dancers are fully immersed in the experience—the music, the sentiment, the feeling, and above all, the connection. True tango cannot happen between two novices who fixate on steps while ignoring the music, remain physically distant, emotionally detached, and unable to communicate feelings (see Tango Is a Feeling). They dance like two individuals bickering and disagreeing with each other. In contrast, experienced dancers flow together harmoniously. They lose themselves in the music, allow it to resonate within them, stiring shared emotions, and enabling them to find a deep connection. As a result, they dance like two soulmates in perfect agreement. This agreement is what makes tango so intoxicating.

What we seek in tango is this deep connection and resonance. A good partner doesn't need to be good-looking, but they must be a good match—with whom you feel a spark, a chemistry. Novice dancers often focus on the outer layers such as steps and technique. What truly matters, however, is the inner quality each dancer brings to the partnership: his masculinity, musicality, strength, leadership, protection, thoughtfulness, and finesse; her femininity, lightness, flexibility, agreeableness, adaptability, and coordination; and most important of all, the connection between them. Those who chase superficialities miss the essence of tango, just as those who overlook the soul of love

Tango and love are often compared because they share a common pursuit: connection. Both involve relationships in which the two sexes take on distinct yet complementary roles, striving for unity and harmony through mutual commitment, understanding, and cooperation. As one reader of my post The Gender Roles in Tango aptly noted, “These ideas apply to real-life relationships too.” Indeed, the principles of tango reach far beyond the dance floor. They offer profound insights into how we achieve harmony in all kinds of partnerships, be it romantic, social, or political (see Lessons from Tango).

Beginners must shift their focus from the external to the internal. Instead of fixating on steps, they should aim to merge and become one with their partner. Concentrating too much on technique may lead one to ignore their partner or to blame them for mistakes, leading to a breakdown in coordination. Focusing on becoming one with the partner, however, enables the dancer to collaborate closely, or even be conceding and yielding to make their partner feel at home, so the two may become one in the dance.

Tango is like marriage; what makes it work is not pressing your partner to follow your will, but being cooperative and accommodating. Novice women often feel comfortable dancing with a milonguero, not because the novices know their stuffs, but because the milonguero knows how to accommodate them. Surrendering, adapting, and seeking unity and harmony with one’s partner are far more essential than executing perfect steps (see Tango Is a Relationship).