The Connection between Partners

True tango cannot happen between two novices who fixate on steps while neglecting the music and their partner, remaining physically distant, emotionally detached, and unable to communicate their feelings (see Tango Is a Feeling). They dance like two individuals bickering and disagreeing with each other. In contrast, experienced dancers move as one, effortlessly synchronized. They lose themselves in the music, allow it to resonate within them, stiring shared emotions, and enabling them to forge a deep connection. As a result, they dance like soulmates in perfect agreement—a harmony that makes tango so intoxicating.

Tango comes alive only when dancers fully immerse themselves in the experience—the music, the sentiment, the feeling, and, most importantly, the connection. A good partner doesn't need to be good-looking, but they must be a good match—with whom you feel a spark, a chemistry. Novice dancers often fixate on the outer layers, such as steps and technique. Yet what truly matters is the inner quality each dancer brings to the partnership: his masculinity, musicality, strength, leadership, protection, thoughtfulness, and finesse; her femininity, lightness, flexibility, agreeableness, adaptability, and coordination. Above all, it is the connection between them that defines the dance. Those who chase superficialities miss the essence of tango, just as those who overlook the soul of love.

Tango and love are often compared because they share a fundamental pursuit: connection. Both involve relationships where the two sexes embrace distinct yet complementary roles, working toward unity and harmony through mutual commitment, understanding, and cooperation. As one reader of my post The Gender Roles in Tango aptly observed, “These ideas apply to real-life relationships too.” Indeed, the principles of tango extend far beyond the dance floor, offering profound insights into how we cultivate harmony in all types of partnerships, be it romantic, social, or political (see Lessons from Tango).

Beginners must shift their focus from the external to the internal. Instead of fixating on steps, they should aim to merge and become one with their partner. Excessive concentration on technique can lead dancers to overlook their partner or assign blame for mistakes, disrupting coordination. In contrast, prioritizing unity enables the dancer to collaborate closely, or even be conceding and yielding to make their partner feel at home, so the two may become one in the dance.

Voltaire once said: “What is tolerance? It is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of fragility and error; let us pardon each other’s folly—this is the first law of nature.” Tango is like marriage; what makes it work is not pressing your partner to follow your will, but being cooperative and accommodating. Novice women often feel comfortable dancing with a milonguero, not because the novices know their stuffs, but because the milonguero knows how to accommodate them. Surrendering, adapting, and seeking unity and harmony with one’s partner are far more essential than executing perfect steps (see Tango Is a Relationship).

Tango Is the Search for a Dream

Tango embodies the dreams, longings, and hopes of the early immigrants to Argentina. It offers a utopia—a refuge where brotherly love, intimacy, fellowship, and kindness prevail over animosity, prejudice, hatred, and pain. In this sanctuary, peace and harmony are achieved through trust, cooperation, and accommodation rather than conflict, competition, and aggression. It is a space where the two sexes complement and comfort one another, rather than clashing in hostility. Tango provides a temporary escape from the pressures and anxieties of modern life (see Tango: The Historical and Cultural Impacts).

Those who equate modernization with progress often overlook its darker consequences. In many ways, modernization has a dehumanizing effect, reshaping interconnected, interdependent societies into fragmented collections of self-sufficient yet isolated individuals. The bonds that once united communities have weakened, shifting our focus from collective well-being to personal gain. Attachment, fraternity, and shared responsibility have faded, while families disintegrate and traditional values erode. Meanwhile, ecological balance deteriorates as natural resources dwindle and the environment suffers irreversible damage. In place of unity and interdependence, egoism, individualism, division, and materialism take center stage—accompanied by rising levels of stress, corruption, violence, and crime. In short, the relentless march of modernity threatens to overshadow the very essence of our humanity (see The World Needs a New Philosophy).

The enduring popularity of tango today is a striking phenomenon, reflecting a deep, collective yearning for a society rooted in equality, fairness, cooperation, order, and harmony—much like a well-run milonga. This stands in stark contrast to the modern world, where self-interest, rivalry, hostility, stress, chaos, inequality, and division prevail. Those who place unwavering faith in modernization must confront a more sobering reality. As one blogger aptly observed, “The world is like water, and humans are like ink. What humans do to the world is like what ink does to water; over time, the ink only makes the water muddier, not clearer. Compared to our postmodern world, the past seems simpler, purer, and better.”

Another poignant reflection comes from a woman who wrote, “In modern life, we center everything around work, which demands aggression. But if we bring that aggression into our marriages—constantly fighting for self-interest, forcing our partner to concede—what can such a marriage produce but unhappiness?” A similar sentiment was shared by a blogger who asked: “How many American businessmen lie in a hospital bed after a heart attack and finally ask themselves, ‘How did I end up living this way? Working too many hours… the love of my life is a stranger, if we haven’t already divorced… I missed my children growing up… I spent my life chasing financial security, not making memories with my friends… and now I end up here?’”

In many ways, modernization is a fatal attraction—one that leads us away from the very essence of being human. How did we lose our sanity? Why, as an intelligent species capable of inventing computers, the internet, and GPS, have we failed to create a world that truly makes sense?

I believe this universal reckoning—the contrast between modernity and humanity, the longing for a more balanced, meaningful life—is at the heart of tango’s revival today. A century ago, immigrants far from home created a dance infused with their dreams, a dance that celebrated human connection, fraternity, cooperation, unity, and beauty. Today’s tango dancers, I believe, are pursuing that same dream. And those of us fortunate enough to be part of this tradition carry a responsibility: to preserve tango as a sanctuary for the human spirit. We must not only teach others how to dance tango but also uphold the values it embodies. Without those values, tango risks being assimilated by the very world it was born to transcend (see Beauty Will Save the World).