Tango Etiquette: Eye Contact, Talking, Clique and Hierarchy

Many women assume it’s men’s job to invite them. They sit there talking to each other and pay no attention to men, taking for granted that someone would come to ask them to dance. However, for a man to ask a woman, he has to have a sense that she will accept his invitation. No man would invite a woman who doesn't seem interested in dancing with him and might put him on the hook. A woman needs to give a man some hint that she is friendly and wants to dance with him before he takes the initiative.

As a hint, some women move closer to where the man of their desire will notice them, which is not a bad idea in a crowded milonga where people sitting far apart may not see each other. But changing seats alone is not enough. You may sit near a man and still not be invited if you concentrate on talking and ignore the man. Talking prevents the talker from being invited. A gentleman does not interrupt a woman when she is talking. You'll lose your critical moment when the tanda starts if you are talking. Even if you sit just one table away from the man, you still need to let him know you want to dance with him by making eye contact with him. If you only focus on talking and don't give a damn about him, how could he know that you are waiting for him? That is why in the milongas of Buenos Aires women do not talk. They try to make eye contact with men.

In the US, however, many women do just the opposite - they avoid men's eyes. Some are too proud to make eye contact with men, they expect men to come to them voluntarily. Others are too shy to look at men, as if that would reveal a secret desire they shouldn’t have. Still others worry that staring at men may give men wrong ideas. When some women do make eye contact with men, they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. All these pride, shyness and worry are not necessary. If a woman can’t even overcome such psychological impediments, how can she dance well in tango that involves intense intimate physical contact with a man?

Women need to understand that men have their concerns too. A man needs to know that you are emotionally ready for the dance and will accept him if he asks you. Most men need to see you eye-to-eye for a few seconds before they are convinced of that. If you avert your eyes too quickly, they will take that as a decline. If you want to dance with a man, you need to fix your eyes at him to give him a chance to cabeceo you. Only if he does not act after ten seconds or more should you then turn your eyes away. This applies to men as well. You stare at a woman for ten to twenty seconds. If she is interested in you she will notice that. If after twenty seconds she still does not make eye contact with you, you should give up on her for the moment and move on to another woman. You should not force your way to her seat and ask her to dance, as which might put her in the dilemma she was trying to avoid. In Buenos Aires, most portena women will say no to a verbal invitation because that tells the ungentlemanliness and inexperience of the inviter.

The psychological impediments cause some women to sit with their male friends and dance only with these male friends. By so doing they present themselves as unavailable to the public, thus discourage other men from inviting them. Cliquing is inappropriate in the milonga because it creates segregation. In order for a milonga to work it must be integrated so that all dancers have equal opportunity to dance with whomever they choose by mutual consents. This is why in the milongas of Buenos Aires men and women are seated separately to prevent cliquing. To honor the milonga code, couples and friends often choose to enter the milonga separately and be seated apart. A smart woman does not sit with the same group of male friends every week, as which may give people an impression that she belongs to a clique and is unavailable to others.

Speaking of clique there is a related issue. Because dancers of different levels focus on different things, they may not enjoy dancing with each other. As a result there is a hierarchy in milongas. At the bottom are students learning steps, who usually partner with their fellow beginners. In the middle, those infatuated with the look tend to partner with those fond of fancy movements, and those still obsessed with themselves focus on individual performance. Mature dancers who have passed those stages, on the other hand, prefer to partner with people with good embrace, musicality and ability to dance for the partner (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). One should separate such division of level from clique. The former is indiscriminate, inclusive and promising, serving a positive function in the milonga by promoting humility, encouraging growth and rewarding achievements. The latter is discriminate, exclusive and demotivating, causing segregation and infringing equal opportunity. Women at the lower levels should not feel disheartened at the hierarchy, because it allows them to mingle with dancers of similar levels and still does not prevent them from dancing with more advanced dancers - if they are not too proud or too shy to make eye contact with them. Women must be aware that making eye contact with men is critical in the partner matching process (see Women's Role in Cabeceo). Your eyes are the key to dancing with the man of your choice. Use them wisely and you can dance all the way to the top (see How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga).