Unlearning Before Learning

For beginners in tango, the greatest difficulty is rarely the steps themselves. What proves far more challenging is unlearning the values instilled by a society that prizes individualism, self-expression, competition, and the belief that success comes from outperforming others. Long before they ever enter a tango class, dancers have already been conditioned—culturally and psychologically—to prioritize personal achievement, visibility, and control. Unsurprisingly, they often carry these contra-tango values onto the dance floor, focusing on themselves and treating others either as rivals or as instruments for their own performance.

Tango, however, rests on a radically different foundation. It is an art of teamwork, cooperation, adaptation, and accommodation. The dance values harmony over dominance, responsiveness over assertion, and emotional exchange over technical display. A beautiful tango does not arise from one dancer outshining the other, but from two people continuously adjusting to one another in pursuit of a shared experience. (See A Dance That Challenges Modern Ideologies.)

In tango, success is fundamentally relational. Beginners would do well to remember Confucius’s timeless guidance: “Do not do to others what you would not have them do to you.” If you dislike your partner being distant, do not withdraw emotionally yourself. If you resent being handled harshly, do not impose force or impatience. If you dislike being used as a backdrop for someone else’s performance, do not reduce your partner to a prop for your own self-expression. Tango magnifies intention; whatever you bring into the embrace will be felt—often more clearly than you expect. (See The Attitude That Transforms Your Tango.)

At the same time, tango calls for a more active generosity, echoed in Jesus’s words: “Do to others what you would like others to do to you.” If you value a partner who is accommodating and attentive, practice accommodation and attentiveness yourself. If you long for emotional presence, offer your own. If you want to experience the pleasure of dancing with someone, make it your aim to ensure that they enjoy dancing with you. In tango, giving is not a loss; it is an investment that tends to return with interest.

Ultimately, tango teaches a simple yet profound truth: present your best self to your partner, and you invite their best self in return. Make your partner feel safe, appreciated, and indulged, and you are likely to be indulged as well. When the dance is treated as a shared endeavor rather than a personal showcase, the partnership deepens and the experience grows richer. (See A Perfect Dance Partner.)

For beginners, then, progress in tango is not measured solely by the accumulation of steps or the refinement of technique. It is measured by the gradual shedding of habits rooted in competition and self-centeredness, and by the cultivation of trust, empathy, and mutual care. Only when this unlearning takes place can tango truly begin. (See Tango and Trust.)