The Connection between Partners

True tango cannot happen between two beginners who fixate on steps while neglecting the music and their partner. When dancers remain physically distant, emotionally detached, and unable to communicate feeling (see Tango Is a Feeling), they move like two individuals arguing rather than dancing—disconnected, out of sync, and out of touch. In contrast, experienced dancers move as one, effortlessly synchronized. They lose themselves in the music, allow it to stir shared emotions, and forge a deep connection. As a result, they dance like soulmates in perfect agreement—a harmony that makes tango so intoxicating.

Tango comes alive only when dancers fully immerse themselves in the experience: the music, the sentiment, the sensation, and, most of all, the connection. A good partner doesn’t need to be good-looking—but must be a good match, someone with whom you feel a spark, a natural chemistry. Novices often focus on outer layers: the steps, the styling, the technique. Yet what truly matters is the inner quality each person brings to the partnership: his masculinity, musicality, strength, leadership, protection, thoughtfulness, and finesse; her femininity, lightness, flexibility, agreeableness, adaptability, and coordination. Above all, it is the connection between them that defines the dance. Those who chase superficialities miss the essence of tango—just as those who overlook the soul miss the essence of love.

Tango and love are often compared because both pursue the same essential goal: connection. Each depends on a relationship in which two people embrace distinct yet complementary roles, working together toward unity and harmony through mutual commitment, empathy, and cooperation. As one reader of my post The Gender Roles in Tango insightfully remarked, “These ideas apply to real-life relationships too.” Indeed, the principles of tango extend well beyond the dance floor, offering profound lessons on how to build and sustain harmony—whether in romance, friendship, or society at large (see Lessons from Tango).

Beginners must learn to shift their focus from the external to the internal. Instead of obsessing over steps, they should aim to merge and become one with their partner. Too much attention to technique can cause dancers to disconnect, blame, or control. But when unity becomes the priority, they begin to cooperate more closely, even yielding or adapting to make their partner feel at home—so the two may truly become one in the dance.

Voltaire once said: “What is tolerance? It is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of fragility and error; let us pardon each other’s folly—this is the first law of nature.” Tango is like a marriage: it thrives not through domination, but through cooperation and accommodation. Novice women often feel comfortable dancing with a milonguero not because they themselves are experienced, but because he knows how to make space for them. Surrendering, adapting, and seeking unity with one’s partner matter far more than executing perfect steps (see Tango Is a Relationship).