The Connection between Partners

True tango cannot happen between two novices who fixate on steps while neglecting the music and their partner, remaining physically distant, emotionally detached, and unable to communicate their feelings (see Tango Is a Feeling). They dance like two individuals bickering and disagreeing with each other. In contrast, experienced dancers move as one, effortlessly synchronized. They lose themselves in the music, allow it to resonate within them, stiring shared emotions, and enabling them to forge a deep connection. As a result, they dance like soulmates in perfect agreement—a harmony that makes tango so intoxicating.

Tango comes alive only when dancers fully immerse themselves in the experience—the music, the sentiment, the feeling, and, most importantly, the connection. A good partner doesn't need to be good-looking, but they must be a good match—with whom you feel a spark, a chemistry. Novice dancers often fixate on the outer layers, such as steps and technique. Yet what truly matters is the inner quality each dancer brings to the partnership: his masculinity, musicality, strength, leadership, protection, thoughtfulness, and finesse; her femininity, lightness, flexibility, agreeableness, adaptability, and coordination. Above all, it is the connection between them that defines the dance. Those who chase superficialities miss the essence of tango, just as those who overlook the soul of love.

Tango and love are often compared because they share a fundamental pursuit: connection. Both involve relationships where the two sexes embrace distinct yet complementary roles, working toward unity and harmony through mutual commitment, understanding, and cooperation. As one reader of my post The Gender Roles in Tango aptly observed, “These ideas apply to real-life relationships too.” Indeed, the principles of tango extend far beyond the dance floor, offering profound insights into how we cultivate harmony in all types of partnerships, be it romantic, social, or political (see Lessons from Tango).

Beginners must shift their focus from the external to the internal. Instead of fixating on steps, they should aim to merge and become one with their partner. Excessive concentration on technique can lead dancers to overlook their partner or assign blame for mistakes, disrupting coordination. In contrast, prioritizing unity enables the dancer to collaborate closely, or even be conceding and yielding to make their partner feel at home, so the two may become one in the dance.

Voltaire once said: “What is tolerance? It is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of fragility and error; let us pardon each other’s folly—this is the first law of nature.” Tango is like marriage; what makes it work is not pressing your partner to follow your will, but being cooperative and accommodating. Novice women often feel comfortable dancing with a milonguero, not because the novices know their stuffs, but because the milonguero knows how to accommodate them. Surrendering, adapting, and seeking unity and harmony with one’s partner are far more essential than executing perfect steps (see Tango Is a Relationship).