Close Embrace and Open Embrace (I)

I love everything about Argentine tango—its music, sentimentality, passion, beauty, and its artistic, sportive, social and recreational functions. I’m fascinated by its rich culture: milonguero legends, milonga codes, cabeceo, and even its touch of machismo. Yet, none of these elements would hold the same significance if tango were not danced between a man and a woman. As Susana Miller famously said, “If you like tango, then you like women.” Let’s face it, after all, it is women who draw men to tango, and vice versa. While this dynamic exists in all partner dances to some extent, tango is unique. It is much more intimate, physical and personal (see Artistic Sublimation and Vulgarism in Tango).

A BBC commentator once remarked, “Tango contains a secret about the yearning between men and women.” This yearning, however, is not necessarily sexual. I believe tango fulfills a fundamental human need for connection with the opposite sex in a nonsexual way (see Tango and Gender Interdependence). Our society is so fixated on sex that this innocent longing is often suppressed. Any physical closeness between men and women is assumed sexual, and as a result, it is either voluntarily or culturally restrained. Men and women cannot be intimate unless they intend to have sex. In other words, our culture does not readily accept innocent, nonsexual intimacy between men and women.

However, Argentine tango reflects a different cultural perspective—one that embraces and celebrates innocent intimacy. Tango is a product of that culture (see Tango: Historical and Cultural Impacts). In this context, tango is not just a dance; it is a way by which this innocent human desire can be met with stylized sophistication and beauty, shaped by rules that uphold the dignity and elegance of the experience. This is why milonga codes play such a vital role. The influence of tango, I believe, is by far more cultural than artistic. Tango is becoming a worldwide phenomenon for a reason. It serves a fundamental human need—by fulfilling this intrinsic longing for connection between the sexes.

Yet, this aspect of tango remains unfamiliar to many Americans, as reflected in the way we approach the dance. In the U.S., tango is often treated as just another ballroom dance. We don't intimately engage with each other in the dance. Many still shy away from close embrace, opting instead for an open dance hold—a style rarely seen in Buenos Aires but prevalent in American tango. Cabeceo and milonga codes are not taught and practiced in most tango communities. The general culture in our tango is still more individualistic, independent, competitive and even hostile than intimate, amicable, cooperative and accommodating. Those who have visited Buenos Aires know what I am comparing. (See Close Embrace and Open Embrace (II).)

Why People Quit Tango

People rarely quit tango because of the dance itself. Instead, their departure often stems from issues with other dancers. Dancing tango involves interacting with people, but people are far more complex than tango steps. People come with diverse personalities, preferences, skill levels, values, habits, and biases that can sometimes be difficult to reconcile. People can be friendly, kind, considerate, and encouraging, yet they can also be selfish, rude, mean, and demotivating. People can be as open-minded, tolerant, and accepting as they can be discriminatory, arrogant, and snobbish. And people have egos, they are easily hurt and difficult to forgive. It doesn’t take many negative experiences to diminish someone’s interest and drive them to quit.

Being social dancers means that we must learn about people as much as we do about tango. While improving dance skills is important, improving ourselves as members of society and developing interpersonal skills are even more essential, because an intimate dance like tango can bring as much satisfaction as it can bring hurt. The enjoyment of tango heavily depends on the relationships between dancers and the dance environment shaped by the conduct of all participants. Therefore, a friendly, welcoming, cooperative, and accommodating culture within the tango community is vital. Unfortunately, in a society that embraces individualism, that is often what's missing in our tango. (See Tango Is a Fellowship.)