Close Embrace and Open Embrace (I)

I love everything about Argentine tango—its music, sentimentality, passion, beauty, and its artistic, sportive, social, and recreational dimensions. I'm captivated by its rich culture: the milonguero legends, the codes of the milonga, the cabeceo, and even its subtle touch of machismo. Yet none of these elements would hold the same meaning if tango were not danced between a man and a woman. As Susana Miller famously said, “If you like tango, then you like women.” The truth is, it’s the allure of women that draws men to tango—and vice versa. While this dynamic exists in all partner dances to some degree, tango is unique. It is far more intimate, physical, and personal (see Artistic Sublimation and Vulgarism in Tango).

A BBC commentator once observed, “Tango contains a secret about the yearning between men and women.” This yearning, however, is not necessarily sexual. I believe tango fulfills a fundamental human need: a desire for connection with the opposite sex in a nonsexual way (see Tango and Gender Interdependence). Our society is so preoccupied with sex that this innocent longing is often overlooked or repressed. Any physical closeness between men and women is assumed to be sexual, and as a result, it becomes either voluntarily restrained or culturally discouraged. Intimacy between men and women is generally acceptable only when it implies a sexual relationship. In other words, our culture struggles to accept innocent, nonsexual intimacy between the sexes.

Argentine tango, however, reflects a different cultural perspective—one that embraces and celebrates innocent intimacy. Tango is a product of that worldview (see Tango: Historical and Cultural Impacts). In this light, tango is more than just a dance; it becomes a refined way by which this innocent human desire can be met with stylized sophistication and beauty, shaped by protocols that preserve the dignity and elegance of the experience. This is why the milonga codes play such a vital role. The influence of tango, I believe, is far more cultural than artistic. Tango is becoming a worldwide phenomenon for a reason: it responds to an essential human need—offering a stylized way to satisfy the innate longing for connection between opposites.

Yet, this aspect of tango remains unfamiliar to many Americans, as reflected in the way we approach the dance. In the U.S., tango is often treated as just another ballroom dance. We don't intimately engage with each other in the dance. Many still shy away from close embrace, opting instead for an open dance hold—a style rarely seen in Buenos Aires but prevalent in American tango. The cabeceo and milonga codes are rarely taught and practiced in most tango communities. The general culture in our tango is still more individualistic, independent, competitive, and even hostile than intimate, friendly, cooperative, and accommodating. Those who have danced in Buenos Aires understand the contrast. (See Close Embrace and Open Embrace (II).)

Why People Quit Tango

People rarely quit tango because of the dance itself. Instead, their departure often stems from issues with other dancers. Dancing tango involves interacting with people, but people are far more complex than tango steps. People come with diverse personalities, preferences, skill levels, values, habits, and biases that can sometimes be difficult to reconcile. People can be friendly, kind, considerate, and supportive, yet they can also be selfish, rude, mean, and demotivating. People can be as open-minded, tolerant, and accepting as they can be discriminatory, arrogant, and snobbish. And people have egos, they are easily hurt and difficult to forgive. It doesn’t take many negative experiences to diminish someone’s interest and drive them to quit.

Being social dancers means that we must learn about people as much as we do about tango. While improving dance skills is important, improving ourselves as members of society and developing interpersonal skills are even more essential, because an intimate dance like tango can bring as much satisfaction as it can bring hurt. The enjoyment of tango heavily depends on the relationships between dancers and the dance environment shaped by the conduct of all participants. Therefore, a friendly, welcoming, cooperative, and accommodating culture within the tango community is vital. Unfortunately, in a society that embraces individualism, that is often what's missing in our tango. (See Tango Is a Fellowship.)