Tango - The Art of Love

One of the unspoken protocols in tango is to avoid blaming, criticizing, or advising your dance partner—unless that role has been explicitly entrusted to you. Milongueros adhere strictly to this code because they understand its importance. Recently, two of my students had a serious falling-out. What began—perhaps with good intentions—quickly spiraled out of control: she made a comment about his leading, and he responded with a remark about her following. Words escalated into insults, and the result was two broken hearts. They may never dance together again.

Learning tango is much like learning a language: it demands time, patience, and dedication. Dancers with fewer than five years of experience are still considered novices. These beginners often feel the most frustration. They long to dance well, yet they’re unsure how to get there. There's so much still to learn, including the etiquette of the milonga. Each novice faces unique challenges and carries opinions about others, yet seasoned dancers often avoid partnering with them. As a result, novices tend to remain within their own circle, where frustrations can turn into mutual blame. Ironically, the faults they see in each other are often reflections of their own struggles. When one accuses the other of stiffness, the feeling is likely mutual. And by the time they’ve finally mastered the steps, hurt feelings and strained relationships may linger.

What many beginners fail to realize is that, whether they like it or not, the people they learn tango with often become the most significant figures in their tango journey. In most cities, the tango community is small, and these early companions may be dance partners for years to come (see 惜缘). It is wiser, then, to accept one another and allow space for mutual growth. In life, when we like someone, we offer compliments. If we tell someone they’re unattractive, chances are they won’t want to see us again. The same principle applies in tango. If you want to dance with someone, always speak positively about their dancing—even when they ask for honesty. How many spouses have gotten into trouble by offering too much honesty? Tango, after all, is not just a dance—it is a relationship, thus the art of love (see Tango Is a Relationship).

Robert Farris Thompson wrote in his book, Tango, the Art History of Love, that tango “is the dance that teaches the world to love.” The idea of tango is to welcome another person into your personal space—to accept them, be considerate, cooperative, yielding, and accommodating; to surrender and become one; to listen deeply to their unspoken emotions; to share intimacy; and to bring them love, joy, and contentment. This is a stark contrast to the values dominant in our modern culture: individualism, independence, self-interest, and aggression. Hopefully, tango will make us a better person who treats others with respect, appreciation and love, accept them as who they are, and put others instead of oneself at the center of one's life and dance. Until then, we are not qualified as tango dancers and cannot dance tango well anyway (see A Dance that Teaches People to Love).