Activity and Passivity in Tango

If you were caught in the dilemma of either marrying someone who loves you or someone you love, what would your choice be? Most women will likely choose the former because a sense of security is programmed into the female psyche. For a woman, as Eileen Chang said, love means being loved - a safety net for her and her children. Instead, most men will choose to marry the woman they love because men are brought up to be providers and protectors. This gives men certain advantages, as a proactive giver will end up wining the love he yearns, whereas a passive receiver could end up losing everything. Unfortunately, the latter is often the fate of those who married security and failed to contribute.

It might be prudent for a woman to hold back initially during the courtship, as she needs to know that the man is worthy of her before she gives herself to him. But if she remains passive forever, that could be potentially problematic to the relationship. Women must not be deceived by the lie that men always try to take advantage of them. That assumption makes some women perfunctory partners, repressing their initiative, demanding more than what they are willing to offer, or relying on their beauty in exchange for what they think they deserve, etc.

I suspect that is not irrelevant to the perfunctory attitude of some women in tango. They sit there talking and don't care about men. They scowled at the inviters, showing disdain. They use an open dance hold to replace the embrace, prop with their arms against the man or lean back to keep distance. They avoid emotional involvement, focus on the steps and neglect their duty to bring contentment to their partner. At the same time, they expect their partner to make them totally satisfied.

A woman should understand that when she accepts a man's invitation she is not accepting an invitation to do solo but to be a part of a relationship in which mutual satisfaction depends on joint efforts and contributions. The two partners must support, comfort, complement and be there for each other. She shouldn't think of tango as courtship wherein she can hold back. Rather, she has to see it as marriage in which partners must spare no effort to work together as a team. Contrary to ideologies that focus on the individuality, independence and self-interest of the individual, tango focuses on the oneness, sharing, cooperation and harmony of the union. To tango is not to demand and take, but to contribute and give. (See Tango Is a Relationship.)

The passivity of women is a result of their self-protection instinct. Men, on the other hand, are hunters. It makes men proud to pursue, conquer, protect and provide for their loved ones. Laboratory research indicates that certain part of the mouse's brain is associated with both sexuality and aggression. Stimulating that part will cause sexual urge. Increasing the stimulation on that same spot will result in violent behaviors. This suggests that the self-control and empathy of men are learned or cultured behavior, which elevates them from the beast. Women, on the other hand, need to counteract their passivity and be more active in the relationship, because they are not just men's mating partners but partners in many other areas of life including tango that require teamwork and cooperation. Tango partners must be equal contributors to each other's needs. This desire to make the partner happy, I believe, is an essential trait of a good tango dancer. (See A Dance that Teaches People to Love.).)

The women in the videos below all have a positive attitude and are able to let themselves go in the dance, which make their performances not only captivating but also contagious, stimulating the passion and creativity of their partners.