Women’s Role in Cabeceo

When a man finds a woman attractive, the first thing he does is look at her intently. His eyes are captured and he cannot take them away from her. The woman may respond by ignoring him if she doesn’t want to encourage him, or looking back into his eyes if she, too, is interested. The encouraged man then may wink or nod at her with intent to approach her, or he may take his eyes off her if he decides not to pursue. This game between men and women is played every day, everywhere.

In the milongas of Buenos Aires, this is also the game men and women play. A man looks around the dance hall to search for a partner. If he finds a woman he likes to dance with, he stares at her. The woman who is also looking for a partner will soon notice him. If she doesn’t want to dance with him, she turns her eyes away. If she likes to dance with him, she fixes her eyes at him and waits for him to invite her. He does so by nodding his head at her, and she responds with a nod of her head to accept his invitation. All these are done remotely without verbal exchange.

This way of inviting a woman to dance is called cabeceo. Cabeceo becomes a practice in the milongas mainly because tango is an intimate dance. Argentine tango is danced in close embrace with considerable physical contact between the partners. For a woman to engage in such an intimate activity with a man, she has to do it by her own will. Otherwise, even if she reluctantly accepts the invitation, she will be reserved, cold and dry. She will not surrender herself to him and dance with passion and feelings. That's why cabeceo is considered as a requisite part of tango. A milonguero will not dance with a woman unless she shows a clear desire to dance with him by looking into his eyes and responding to his cabeceo with a smile and nod.

The advantage of cabeceo over a verbal invitation is that it puts women in an advantageous position. For tango to be a satisfying experience for a woman, she needs a partner matching her in skills and musicality. To find such a partner, she cannot sit there passively waiting for someone to come to invite her, but must actively choose her own match, and she must select among all men, not just a few who come to her table. An Argentine woman does not sit there waiting for someone to pick her. She takes initiative in the process by willingly showing her desire to dance with the man of her own choice. In that way she invites him to cabeceo her and prevents herself from being bothered by those whom she doesn’t want to dance with.

For men, cabeceo is also a much better way to ask a woman to dance. When verbally inviting a woman, the man must traverse the room to reach her. If she declines, not only does he have to swallow the embarrassment, but he also has to make the return journey. By that time, other potential dance partners may already be taken, forcing him to wait until the current tanda concludes for another opportunity. But by using cabeceo, he can quickly and remotely secure a dance partner without the potential of facing public rejection from a woman.

For cabeceo to work, women must participate in the process. If women do not actively search for a partner, then men cannot cabeceo them even if they want to. But for women to be active, tango must be an intimate experience so personal to them that they don’t want to do it with anyone other than the man of their choice, just like they don’t want to sleep with anyone other than those they love. The reason cabeceo doesn’t work in the US is that our tango has not yet reached that level. Most women here are new to tango and are unable to dance tango in a deeply personal way. They dance in an open dance hold with no physical contact with men. They do not surrender themselves and intimately engage themselves with the man in the dance. They focuse on the steps and neglect the partner. They sit there talking to each other and don't give a damn about men. They avoid men's eye contact for fear of giving them ideas. They turn a blind eye to men who wink at them because they do not know what that means and how to respond. (See Tango Etiquette: Eye Contact, Talking, Clique and Hierarchy). Consequently, they can only sit there for someone to come and accept any verbal invitation.

It is ironic that in macho Argentina women get to decide with whom they want to be intimate by using cabeceo, while in feminist America women have so little control on a matter so personal to them. Cabeceo is a product of a mature tango community. It results from women’s active participation in the partner selection process. Most importantly, it is a sign of a woman's experience and maturity in tango, which, by the way, is another reason why milongueros only use cabeceo to invite a woman to dance. (See How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga.)