Tango - The Art of Love

One of the protocols in tango is not to blame, criticize, or advise your dance partner unless that responsibility has been specifically given to you. Milongueros follow this code strictly because they understand the consequences. Recently, two of my students had a serious disagreement. It began, perhaps, with good intentions to help: she commented on his leading, and he defended himself with a remark about her following. The exchange escalated into insults, ultimately ending with two broken hearts. They may never dance together again.

Learning tango is like learning a language, and it takes just as long. Anyone with fewer than five years in tango is considered a novice. Novices are often the most frustrated - they want to dance tango well but don’t know how. There is so much they don’t yet understand, including how to conduct themselves at milongas. Each novice has plenty of challenges and opinions about others, yet experienced dancers rarely partner with them, so they stay within their own circle, often blaming each other for their issues. The irony of “the pot calling the kettle black” is that they are quite similar. When one criticizes the other for being stiff, the other is likely thinking the same thing. By the time they’ve mastered the steps, feelings may be hurt and relationships strained.

Beginners often don’t realize that, whether they like it or not, the people they learn tango with are the most important people in their tango journey. They will likely dance together for a long time because each tango community is small, bringing people together by fate (see 惜缘). It’s wiser to accept one another and allow time for mutual growth. In real life, if you like someone, you tell them they’re beautiful. If you tell them they’re unattractive, chances are they won’t want to see you again. The same principle applies if you want to dance with someone: always speak positively about their dance, even if they ask for your honest opinion. How many husbands have found themselves in trouble after giving an overly honest answer? Remember, tango is more than just a dance; it is a relationship, an art of love (see Tango Is a Relationship).

Robert Farris Thompson said in his book, Tango, the Art History of Love, that tango "is the dance that teaches the world to love." The idea of tango is to welcome another person into your personal space, to accept them, to be considerate, cooperative, yielding and accommodating, to surrender and be one with them, to enjoy the intimacy, to listen to their inner whispers and feelings, and to bring them love, comfort, pleasure and contentment. It is a different idea from what our culture stands for, that is, individualism, independence, self-interest and aggression. Hopefully, tango will make us a better person who treats others with respect, appreciation and love, accept them as who they are, and put others instead of oneself at the center of one's life and dance. Until then, we are not qualified as tango dancers and cannot dance tango well anyway (see A Dance that Teaches People to Love).