The Connection between Partners

Tango comes alive only when the dancers are fully immersed in the experience—the music, the sentiment, the sensation, the feeling, and above all, the connection. True tango cannot happen between two novices who fixate on steps while ignoring the music, remain physically distant, emotionally detached, and unable to communicate feelings (see Tango Is a Feeling). They dance like two individuals bickering and disagreeing with each other. In contrast, experienced dancers flow together harmoniously. They lose themselves in the music, allow it to resonate within them, stiring shared emotions, and enabling them to find a deep connection. As a result, they dance like two soulmates in perfect agreement. This agreement is what makes tango so intoxicating.

What we seek in tango is this deep connection and resonance. A good partner doesn't need to be good-looking, but they must be a good match—with whom you feel a spark, a chemistry. Novice dancers often focus on the outer layers such as steps and technique. What truly matters, however, is the inner quality each dancer brings to the partnership: his masculinity, musicality, strength, leadership, protection, thoughtfulness, and finesse; her femininity, lightness, flexibility, agreeableness, adaptability, and coordination; and most important of all, the connection between them. Those who chase superficialities miss the essence of tango, just as those who overlook the soul of love

Tango and love are often compared because they share a common pursuit: connection. Both involve relationships in which the two sexes take on distinct yet complementary roles, striving for unity and harmony through mutual commitment, understanding, and cooperation. As one reader of my post The Gender Roles in Tango aptly noted, “These ideas apply to real-life relationships too.” Indeed, the principles of tango reach far beyond the dance floor. They offer profound insights into how we achieve harmony in all kinds of partnerships, be it romantic, social, or political (see Lessons from Tango).

Beginners must shift their focus from the external to the internal. Instead of fixating on steps, they should aim to merge and become one with their partner. Concentrating too much on technique may lead one to ignore their partner or to blame them for mistakes, leading to a breakdown in coordination. Focusing on becoming one with the partner, however, enables the dancer to collaborate closely, or even be conceding and yielding to make their partner feel at home, so the two may become one in the dance.

Tango is like marriage; what makes it work is not pressing your partner to follow your will, but being cooperative and accommodating. Novice women often feel comfortable dancing with a milonguero, not because the novices know their stuffs, but because the milonguero knows how to accommodate them. Surrendering, adapting, and seeking unity and harmony with one’s partner are far more essential than executing perfect steps (see Tango Is a Relationship).

Tango Is the Search for a Dream

Tango embodies the dreams, longings, and hopes of the early immigrants to Argentina. It offers a utopia—a refuge where brotherly love, intimacy, fellowship, and kindness prevail over animosity, prejudice, hatred, and pain. In this sanctuary, peace and harmony are achieved through trust, cooperation, and accommodation rather than conflict, competition, and aggression. It is a space where the two sexes complement and comfort one another, rather than clashing in hostility. Tango provides a temporary escape from the pressures and anxieties of modern life (see Tango: The Historical and Cultural Impacts).

Those who equate modernization with progress often overlook its darker side. In many respects, modernization has a dehumanizing effect, transforming interconnected, interdependent social beings into self-sufficient yet isolated individuals. It weakens the ties that once bound communities together, shifting our focus from collective well-being to personal gain. Attachment, fraternity, interdependence, and shared responsibilities have faded. Families are disintegrating, traditional values are eroding, and ecological balance is deteriorating. Natural resources are depleting, and the environment is suffering irreversible damage. Meanwhile, egoism, individualism, division, polarization, and materialism take center stage—alongside rising levels of stress, corruption, violence, and crime. In short, humanity is being overshadowed by the relentless march of so-called modernity (see The World Needs a New Philosophy).

The enduring popularity of tango in our time is a profound phenomenon. It reflects a deep, collective longing for a society that is equal, fair, cooperative, orderly, and harmonious—like a well-run milonga. Contrast that with today’s world, dominated by self-interest, rivalry, hostility, stress, madness, chaos, inequality, and division. Those who blindly place their faith in modernization must confront a more sobering reality. One blogger aptly observed, “The world is like water, and humans are like ink. What humans do to the world is like what ink does to water; over time, the ink only makes the water muddier, not clearer. Compared to our postmodern world, the past seems simpler, purer, and better.”

Another poignant reflection comes from a woman who wrote, “In modern life, we center everything around work, which demands aggression. But if we bring that aggression into our marriages—constantly fighting for self-interest, forcing our partner to concede—what can such a marriage produce but unhappiness?” A similar sentiment was shared by a blogger who asked: “How many American businessmen lie in a hospital bed after a heart attack and finally ask themselves, ‘How did I end up living this way? Working too many hours… the love of my life is a stranger, if we haven’t already divorced… I missed my children growing up… I spent my life chasing financial security, not making memories with my friends… and now I end up here?’”

In many ways, modernization is a fatal attraction—one that leads us away from the very essence of being human. How did we lose our sanity? Why, as an intelligent species capable of inventing computers, the internet, and GPS, have we failed to create a world that truly makes sense?

I believe this universal reckoning—this contrast between modernity and humanity, this yearning for a more balanced, meaningful life—is at the heart of tango’s revival today. A century ago, immigrants far from home created a dance infused with their dreams, a dance that celebrated human connection, fraternity, cooperation, unity, and beauty. Today’s tango dancers, I believe, are pursuing the same dream. And those of us fortunate enough to be part of this tradition carry a responsibility: to preserve tango as a sanctuary for the human spirit. We must not only teach others how to dance tango but also promote the values it represents. Without those values, tango too risks being assimilated by the very world it was born to transcend (see Beauty Will Save the World).