Issues on Cabeceo

Last week, I attended En Tu Abrazo - Encuentro at Grand Geneva, Wisconsin—a mesmerizing tango event featuring experienced and like-minded dancers, a friendly dance environment governed by milonga codes, excellent DJs, golden-age music, and a high level of dancing, all reminiscent of a traditional Buenos Aires milonga.

The event was held in a rectangular room with fixed seating. Men and women sat separately on opposite sides of the room, requiring them to use cabeceo to find a partner. This arrangement created a cohesive atmosphere, as participants had to pay attention to one another and engage emotionally even before the dance began.

However, doing cabeceo from a distance proved to be a challenge. First, the woman you attempt to invite might be seated among others who also wish to dance with you. Second, when two or more women respond to your cabeceo, how can they discern whom exactly you are inviting? Third, if two men nod at the same woman, how can either man determine whether she is responding to him or the other? Finally, her response might be too subtle to notice.

Because cabeceo is still a relatively new practice in our milongas, I made more mistakes at this event than I have ever made in Buenos Aires, even with such an experienced crowd. I later learned that some women had tried to cabeceo me, but I failed to notice. On one occasion, I walked up to a woman who hadn’t responded to my cabeceo, but I mistakenly thought she had. On another occasion, the woman who accepted my cabeceo wasn’t looking at me as I approached, and I ended up dancing with the woman sitting next to her, who kept her eyes on me instead. Twice, I walked toward someone only to find that they had accepted other's invitation. There were also instances where two women stood up as I arrived at their table, each thinking she was the one I had invited.

In retrospect, I believe I should be more mindful that cabeceo is difficult to detect from a distance and should be made clearer and less ambiguous. I should not only signal to the woman I am cabeceoing but also ensure that the women sitting next to her understand exactly whom I am inviting. I should stand up to perform cabeceo with a woman seated behind others. I should look around to confirm that she is communicating with me and not with someone behind or beside me. When inviting a woman seated far away, I should move closer to her before initiating cabeceo. Additionally, as I walk toward the woman who has accepted my cabeceo, I should maintain eye contact with her and avoid making eye contact with any other woman to prevent confusion.

There are also issues on the part of women. I must mention that in the milongas of Buenos Aires, porteñas behave very differently from women in this country. Unlike our women, who often talk to one another and pay little attention to the men, Argentine women actively participate in the invitation process by making eye contact with the men and responding to their cabeceo. If they are uncertain about your cabeceo, they might tilt their head, lean sideways, or even stand up to make themselves more visible. They may point at themselves with a questioning expression, look around to check if someone else is responding to your cabeceo, or use lip or hand gestures to communicate with you. Argentine women do not maintain a blank expression, as our women often do. Instead, they smile, nod, or wink to indicate their interest in dancing with you. As you approach, they gaze at you intently, ensuring there is no doubt about your mutual agreement. In other words, Argentine women are much more proactive and expressive, which makes a significant difference. Their approach not only reduces errors between the two parties but also prevents misunderstandings involving third parties. Furthermore, such enthusiasm fosters a more intimate and satisfying dance experience.

Here again, we see the influence of culture on tango (see Tango: Historical and Cultural Impacts). American culture tends to place excessive emphasis on the self. We often come across as egocentric, arrogant, indifferent, or even hostile toward others. Many of us have strong egos and are reluctant to show that we need others or seek their invitation for a dance. Additionally, we are easily hurt when we don’t receive the response we expect (see Tango and Individualism). In contrast, Argentinians are much more friendly and approachable. Porteñas often find ways to let me know they want to dance with me and where their seats are, making it easier for me to cabeceo them. Obviously, in a culture like that, dancing tango becomes an infinitely more enjoyable experience.