Issues with Cabeceo

Last week, I attended En Tu Abrazo – Encuentro at Grand Geneva, Wisconsin—a captivating tango event filled with experienced, like-minded dancers. The atmosphere was warm and welcoming, steeped in traditional milonga codes, excellent DJs spinning golden-age music, and a high level of dancing that evoked the spirit of a classic Buenos Aires milonga.

The event took place in a rectangular room with fixed seating. Men and women were seated on opposite sides, which made the use of cabeceo—the traditional method of inviting a partner through eye contact and subtle nods—essential. This setup fostered a cohesive and attentive environment, encouraging dancers to engage emotionally even before stepping onto the floor.

However, executing cabeceo from a distance proved challenging. For one, the woman you’re trying to invite may be seated among others who are also watching you, hoping for an invitation. If more than one woman responds to your cabeceo, how to make them know who exactly you're inviting? Likewise, if two men nod toward the same woman, how can either tell whom she’s responding to? And sometimes, a woman's response may be so subtle it goes unnoticed entirely.

Cabeceo is still a relatively new practice in our milongas, and despite the experienced crowd, I made more mistakes at this event than I ever have in Buenos Aires. I later discovered that several women had tried to cabeceo me, but I hadn’t noticed. At one point, I approached a woman who hadn’t actually responded to my cabeceo—I had simply misread the situation. On another occasion, the woman who accepted my invitation looked away as I approached, and I ended up dancing with the woman next to her, who maintained eye contact instead. Twice, I walked toward a woman only to find she had accepted someone else’s invitation. There were also moments when two women stood up at once as I reached their table, both thinking I had invited them.

Looking back, I realize I need to be more mindful that cabeceo is difficult to detect from a distance and should be made clear and unmistakable. I should not only signal to the woman I am inviting but also ensure that the women sitting next to her understand whom I am inviting. I should stand up to cabeceo a woman seated behind others. I should look around to make sure that she is communicating with me and not with someone behind me. When inviting a woman seated far away, I should move closer to her before initiating cabeceo. Additionally, as I walk toward a woman who has accepted my cabeceo, I should maintain eye contact with her and avoid any other's gaze to prevent confusion.

There are also issues on the part of women. I must mention that in the milongas of Buenos Aires, porteñas behave very differently from women in this country. Unlike our women, who often talk to one another and pay little attention to men, Argentine women actively participate in the invitation process by engaging eye contact with men. If they are uncertain about your cabeceo, they would tilt their head, lean sideways, or even stand up to make themselves more visible. They may point at themselves with a questioning expression, look around to check if someone else is responding to your cabeceo, or use lip or hand gestures to communicate with you. Argentine women do not maintain an unreadable expression, as our women often do. Instead, they smile, nod, or wink to show their interest in dancing with you. As you approach, they keep their gaze locked on you, leaving no doubt about the agreement. In other words, Argentine women are much more proactive and expressive, which makes a huge difference. This expressiveness and warmth not only reduces confusion between the involved couple but also prevents misunderstandings of the third party. More importantly, their enthusiasm leads to a more intimate and fulfilling dance experience.

Once again, we see how culture deeply shapes the tango experience (see Tango: Historical and Cultural Impacts). American culture tends to place excessive emphasis on individualism and self-reliance. We often come across as egocentric, aloof, indifferent, or even hostile toward others. Many have strong egos and are hesitant to show vulnerability. Many are reluctant to signal interest, fearing rejection or appearing needy. We also tend to take rejection personally. In contrast, Argentinians are much more friendly and approachable. Porteñas often find ways to let me know they want to dance with me and where their seats are, making it easier for me to cabeceo them. Obviously, in a culture like that, dancing tango becomes an infinitely more enjoyable experience.