Femininity and Feminism in Tango (I)

Men and women have been best friends from the beginning. Men like women. They treat women better than they treat other men. They are more generous to women than to other men. They choose women as their life partners. They work hard for the women they love and would give up their lives for them. Women, too, like men. They strive to attract men and win their hearts. They place their trust in men, devote their love to them, unite with them, and follow their lead. Men and women cherish, need, support, complement, and complete each other. Their friendship has, for the most part, been a love story (see Tango and Gender Interdependence).

In the milongas of Buenos Aires, I witnessed this love story. I found myself experiencing wonderful relationships with Argentine women. At first glance, Argentine women do not strike me as being prettier than others, but they made an impression on me when I danced with them. They are tender, gentle, obedient, affectionate, sentimental, and seductive. They dress femininely and wear flowers. They gaze at you to capture your attention and respond to your cabeceo with a smiling nod. They embrace you warmly with their breasts pressing intimately against your chest. They twist their bodies in your arms, wrap themselves around you, and entangle their legs with yours. Femininity is not their weakness but their strength, and they know how to use it to make you feel special. They may be professors, doctors, or CEOs in their professional lives, but in the milongas, they are simply pure, natural, and lovely women. That tango was invented by them is no accident—it lives in their blood. Argentine women are the incarnations of femininity and affection. Dancing with them is truly one of life’s most gratifying experiences (see The Gender Expression in Tango).

Without femininity, tango would not be the same. Tango requires men to be strong, decisive, dependable, protective, and considerate, and women to be gentle, soft, loving, obedient, agreeable, and beautiful. Men and women play different roles in tango, as they do in life (see The Gender Roles in Tango). One is like branches, and the other, leaves—together, they create a blossoming tree. One is like brushes, and the other, paints—together, they create a beautiful painting. In Europe and North America, under the influence of feminism, some women accuse this idea of being sexist. They dismiss gender differences, gender expressions, and gender roles, refusing to surrender to men and follow their lead. They demand that macho posturing and gender inequality be removed from tango, insisting on maintaining independence by dancing in an open dance hold to keep a distance from men. They ask men not to lead them but only to suggest movements while respecting how women choose to interpret them. They assert their rights to interrupt the lead, initiate their own steps, reverse gender roles, and form same-sex partnerships. In short, they want tango to be a gender-neutral dance, and the milonga to be like a workplace where everyone behaves in a politically correct manner (see Tango and Gender Equality).

The masculinization of women in Europe and North America has undeniably impacted how tango is danced in these societies, where the modern way of living encourages women to wear uniforms, hide their gender identities, and join the workforce to compete like men. Many women choose career over marriage, success over family, and independence over relationships. They refuse to be treated as "the weaker sex" and push for legislations to protect women’s rights and equal opportunities. As a result, women see themselves less and less as women and more and more like men. To compete with men, women need to be tough, strong, ambitious, and aggressive—traits traditionally associated with masculinity. Many become mean, sloppy, overweight, or indifferent to their appearance, as they no longer care how men perceive them. They raise daughters who adopt the same traits, expecting them to compete with men as they grow up. Violent women breed violent murderers, as the world has just witnessed in Newtown, Connecticut. When women behave like men, the relationship between the sexes deteriorates, the institution of family disintegrates, and children lose their parents. When women cease to embody femininity, they become less attractive to men, who may then turn to same-sex relationships. You wonder why "marriage equality" has become a growing discourse in our society? When women lose the soft, gentle, and loving qualities that balance men’s aggression, the world becomes a more dangerous place.

What femininity is to humanity is like what green is to the environment. I am nostalgic for the missing femininity in our women. I believe the world shares this nostalgia, which is why more and more people around the globe find Argentine women and their dance so captivating. If you dance enough tango, as Argentine women do, you will understand that turning women into men doesn’t work in tango, just as it has caused more problems than it has solved in other societal discourses. That being said, I remain hopeful thanks to Argentine tango, because, in tango, men and women must be who they are created to be for their common good - different yet complementary, distinct yet balanced, divergent yet interdependent, and opposite but equal. (See Femininity and Feminism in Tango (II).)

Private Whispers in the Milongas, by Sara Melul

The milongueros, who are the true personalities of the milonga, have the custom of quietly talking with their partner between one tango and another. These whispers sometimes knit a plot that becomes a love story. Others are memories or anecdotes of one night in the milonga. At times they remain just a lovely conversation. The important thing is that, for us who come to dance, these conversations form an essential part of the warm, embracing atmosphere and one of those most important and gratifying moments. Surely there exist many thousands of such examples which different women receive daily in the milongas.

• How well we dance together! You have eyes that I want to eat. I dance better with you; you awaken the creativity in me.
• For me dancing tango is like flying, to surrender to you as a dream, and to enjoy it.
• I am going to tell you something that perhaps you will not like: The brightness of your eyes makes me blind.
• Do you always come here? Where else do you go to dance? I ask in order to follow you until the end of the world.
• Goddess, if I were God, I would have you in my kingdom, but I have you in my arms.
• I congratulate you because with you one can dance very well.
• How I enjoy dancing with you! Each tanda passes by in a breath!
• When we dance together I feel your body.
• You have a tiny waist that I am afraid will break.
• To dance with you is like a dream…how can I not be very happy, I have the best woman, the best music, what more do I need?
• I am enchanted with you, you dance like the goddess, beautiful, free, nothing worries you!
• After dancing the first tango with you, how could I leave now?
• They made this tango for you. It is called “to the grand doll.”
• Since I met you there is no other woman for me! I will come next week just to dance with you…
• You dance divinely…do you understand me? One only would want to know, to touch you and dance all night…
• You are something unbelievable. One can dance with you all night without being bored.
• I want to dance with you and catch your perfume!
• I want only to enjoy you in this dance…we will not talk. I am jealous when you do not dance with me…
• It is incredible how you dance. You are a monument to femininity.

Contributed by Sara Melul, El chamuyo en las milongas