Tango Etiquette: Eye Contact, Talking, Clique and Hierarchy

Many women assume it’s men’s job to invite them. They sit there talking to each other and pay no attention to men, taking for granted that someone would come to ask them to dance. However, for a man to ask a woman, he needs to sense that the woman is open to it. No man would invite a woman who seems disinterested or might put him on the hook. A woman needs to give a man some hint that she is friendly and wants to dance with him before he takes the initiative.

As a hint, some women move closer to where the man of their desire will notice them. This can be particularly useful in a crowded milonga where those seated far apart may not catch each other's attention. But simply changing seats is not enough. You may sit near a man and still not be invited if you focus on talking and ignore the man. Talking prevents the talker from being invited. Men are unlikely to interrupt a woman who is actively talking. You'll lose your critical moment when the tanda begins if you are engaging in a conversation. Even if you sit just one table away from the man, you still need to indicate your desire to dance by making eye contact. If you concentrate on talking and don't give a damn about him, how could he know that you are waiting for him? This is why in the milongas of Buenos Aires women do not talk. They try to make eye contact with men.

In the U.S., however, many women do just the opposite—they avoid making eye contact. Some are too proud to do so, they expect men to come to them without encouragement. Others are too shy to openly look at men, as if that would reveal a secret desire they shouldn’t have. Still others worry that staring at men may give men wrong ideas. When some women do make eye contact with men, they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. All these pride, shyness and overthinking are unnecessary. If a woman can’t even overcome such psychological impediments, how can she dance well in tango that involves intense intimate physical contact with a man?

Women need to understand that men have their own concerns. A man needs to know that you are emotionally ready for the dance and will accept him if he asks you. Most men need a sustained moment of eye contact before they are convinced of that. If you avert your eyes too quickly, they will take that as a rejection. If you want to dance with a man, you need to fix your eyes at him to allow him to initiate the cabeceo. Only if he does not act after 10 seconds or more should you then turn your eyes away. This applies to men as well. You stare at a woman for 10-20 seconds. If she is interested in you she will notice that. If after twenty seconds she still does not reciprocate, you should give up on her for the moment and move on to another woman. You should not approach her directly, as which could put her in an awkward position she was trying to avoid. In Buenos Aires, most porteñas will say no to a verbal invitation because that tells the ungentlemanliness and inexperience of the inviter.

Psychological impediments can also lead some women to sit with their male friends and dance only with these male friends. By so doing they present themselves as unavailable to the public, discouraging invitation. Cliquing is inappropriate in the milonga because it creates segregation. To maintain the inclusive atmosphere of the milonga, dancers must be able to freely pair with the person of their choice by mutual consents. This is why in the milongas of Buenos Aires, men and women are seated separately. A savvy woman avoids sitting with the same group of male friends every week, as this can give the impression that she belongs to a clique and is unavailable to others.

Speaking of clique there is a related issue. Because dancers of different levels focus on different things, they may not enjoy dancing with each other. As a result there is a hierarchy in milongas. At the bottom are students learning steps, who usually partner with their fellow beginners. In the middle, those infatuated with the look tend to partner with those fond of fancy movements, and those still obsessed with themselves focus on individual performance. Mature dancers who have passed those stages, on the other hand, prefer to partner with dancers with good embrace, musicality and ability to dance for their partner (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). One should separate such division of level from clique. The former is indiscriminate, inclusive and promising, serving a positive function in the milonga by promoting humility, encouraging growth and rewarding achievements. The latter is discriminate, exclusive and demotivating, causing segregation and infringing equal opportunity. Women at the lower levels should not feel disheartened at the hierarchy, because it allows them to mingle with dancers of similar levels and still does not prevent them from dancing with more advanced dancers—if they are not too proud or too shy to make eye contact with them. Women must be aware that making eye contact with men is critical in the partner matching process (see Women's Role in Cabeceo). Your eyes are the key to dancing with the man of your choice. Use them wisely and you can dance all the way to the top (see How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas).

The Four Stages of the Tango Journey

If tango to you is only what your eyes perceive—the steps—then you are at the earliest stage of your tango journey. The intangible aspects of tango remain beyond your grasp at this point. However, you should not be deceived by the steps. They represent only the tip of the iceberg. Tango is a multifaceted art form. While steps are essential to dancing tango, there are things more important that you must learn first. At this stage, you should concentrate on developing good posture, embrace, connection, balance, stability, lightness, dissociation, pivot, torso leading/following, and walking (see Tango Is a Language (I)). Many students attempt to learn advanced steps when their posture is still awkward, their body is still stiff and heavy, their embrace is still broken, their walk is still clumsy, they still can't lead or follow with the torso, and they still need to hold on to the partner for balance and stability. Consequently, the complex steps they learn carry little significance and only exacerbate their bad habits. At this stage, it is vital to resist the temptation for quick results. Instead, adopt a structured and gradual approach, dedicating time to mastering fundamental skills and building a strong foundation (see Imitating Steps vs. Developing Skills). This approach may seem slow at first, but it will ultimately enable faster progress in the long run.

Once you’ve moved beyond the introduction stage and begun dancing tango socially, you enter the second stage of your tango journey. At this stage, you continue to learn steps, but your primary focus should shift to correcting bad habits and cultivating good ones. If your personal practices do not align with tango standards, or if you developed poor habits during the first stage, now is the time to address them. This stage can be long and challenging because the habits you have accumulated over a lifetime are not easy to break. It requires patience and hard work. You need a good teacher to guide you and help you correct your bad habits bit-by-bit. Practicing in front of a mirror or videotaping your dance can help you analyze your posture, embrace, connection, coordination, and movements. You must make a constant, conscious effort to overcome your old habits until you have ingrained the correct way of dancing tango and internalized the proper posture, embrace, connection, movements, and techniques that adhere to the aesthetic standards of tango.

As your dance begins to embody the distinctive tango aesthetic, you enter the third stage of your tango journey. At this stage, your attention starts to shift from external elements to the internal ones. Once steps are no longer an obstacle, you can focus on the intangible aspects of the dance. You need to enhance your musicality, familiarize yourself with music across different genres, tempos, rhythms, moods, and orchestras, and learn to dance to different pieces differently. You should work on expressing the music and your emotions through your dance—pausing, embellishing your steps, dancing with both slow and fast motions, and incorporating advanced techniques that prioritize not only the appearance but also the feeling of the dance, such as cadencia and the gear effect. Additionally, you need to work on your body's flexibility and coordination, refine your connection and communication, and enhance your ability to effect the movement of your partner's body with your body. You also need to go beyond the technical aspects and become a socially adept dancer. This involves learning the philosophy, culture and etiquette of tango. As your skills grow and your perspectives broaden, you will begin to see beyond yourself.

The ability to see beyond yourself marks the most significant transformation, signaling your entry into the final stage in your tango journey. At this stage, you begin to focus on your partner, to feel their emotions and feelings, to interprete their musical expression, to adapt and accommodate their dance, and to be one with them. You no longer dance to showcase your skills, but to provide comfort and joy to your partner. Tango is no longer just about steps; it becomes an expression of love. Your lead becomes less difficult and forceful, but gentle, thoughtful and suited to the ability of your partner. You want her to feel free and enjoy the dance. Your follow becomes less bumpy and counteractive, but fitting, smooth, light and in harmony with your leader. You want him to feel comfortable and enjoy you. You start to understand the essence of tango and see tango as what the milongueros see it. Now, you are at the top of the game.