Tango Etiquette: Eye Contact, Talking, Clique and Hierarchy

Many women assume it’s men’s job to invite them. They sit there talking to each other and pay no attention to men, taking for granted that someone would come to ask them to dance. However, for a man to ask a woman, he needs to feel that she is open to it. No man would invite a woman who seems disinterested or might put him on the hook. A woman needs to give a man some hint that she is friendly and wants to dance with him before he takes the initiative.

As a hint, some women move closer to where the man they’re interested in will notice them. This can be particularly useful in a crowded milonga where those seated far apart may not catch each other's attention. But simply changing seats is not enough. You may sit near a man and still not be invited if you focus on talking and ignore the man. Talking prevents the talker from being invited. Men are unlikely to interrupt a woman who is actively talking. You'll lose your critical moment when the tanda begins if you are engaging in a conversation. Even if you sit just one table away from the man, you still need to indicate your desire to dance by making eye contact. If you concentrate on talking and don't give a damn about him, how could he know that you are waiting for him? This is why in the milongas of Buenos Aires women do not talk. They try to make eye contact with men.

In the U.S., however, many women do just the opposite—they avoid making eye contact. Some are too proud to do so, they expect men to come to them without encouragement. Others are too shy to openly look at men, as if that would reveal a secret desire they shouldn’t have. Still others worry that staring at men may give men wrong ideas. When some women do make eye contact with men, they do so fleetingly to avoid appearing they are begging for a dance. All these pride, shyness and overthinking are unnecessary. If a woman can’t even overcome such psychological impediments, how can she dance well in tango that involves intense intimate physical contact with a man?

Women need to understand that men have their own concerns. A man needs to feel certain that you’re emotionally open and will accept him if he asks you. Most men need a sustained moment of eye contact before they are convinced of that. If you avert your eyes too quickly, they will take that as a rejection. If you want to dance with a man, you need to fix your eyes at him to give him a chance to initiate the cabeceo. Only if he doesn't make a move after a few seconds should you look away. This applies to men as well. You stare at a woman for 10-20 seconds. If she is interested in you she will notice that. If after twenty seconds she still does not reciprocate, you should give up on her for the moment and move on to another woman. You should not approach her directly, as that could put her in an awkward position she was trying to avoid. In Buenos Aires, most porteñas will decline a verbal invitation because that tells the ungentlemanliness and inexperience of the inviter.

Psychological obstacles also lead some women to sit with their male friends and dance only with these male friends. By so doing they present themselves as unavailable to the public, discouraging invitation. Cliquing is inappropriate in the milonga because it creates segregation. To maintain the inclusive atmosphere of the milonga, dancers must be able to freely pair up with the person of their choice by mutual consents. This is why in the milongas of Buenos Aires, men and women are seated separately. A savvy woman avoids sitting with the same group of male friends every week, as this may give the impression that she belongs to a clique and is unavailable to others.

Speaking of clique there is a related issue. Because dancers of different levels focus on different things, they may not enjoy dancing with each other. As a result there is a hierarchy in milongas. At the bottom are students learning steps, who usually partner with fellow beginners. In the middle, those infatuated with the look tend to partner with those fond of fancy movements, and those still obsessed with themselves focus on individual performance. Mature dancers who have passed those stages, on the other hand, prefer to partner with dancers with strong embrace, musicality and ability to dance for their partner (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). One should separate such division of level from clique. The former is indiscriminate, inclusive, and promising, serving a positive function in the milonga by promoting humility, encouraging growth and rewarding achievements. The latter is discriminate, exclusive and demotivating, causing segregation and infringing equal opportunity. Women at the lower levels should not feel disheartened at the hierarchy, because it allows them to mingle with dancers of similar levels and still does not prevent them from partnering with more advanced dancers—if they are not too proud or too shy to initiate eye contact. Women must be aware that making eye contact with men is critical in the partner matching process (see Women's Role in Cabeceo). Your eyes are the key to dancing with the man of your choice. Use them wisely and you can dance all the way to the top (see How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas).

The Four Stages of the Tango Journey

If tango to you is merely what the eyes can see—the steps—then you are at the earliest stage of your tango journey. At this stage, the intangible dimensions of tango remain elusive. However, steps are only the tip of the iceberg. Tango is a rich, multifaceted art form. While learning steps is necessary, there are things more essential. At this stage, you should focus on developing foundational skills: correct embrace, good posture, strong connection, balance, stability, dissociation, pivoting, the ability to use the torso to lead or follow, and a grounded, elegant walk (see Tango Is a Language (I)). You should use the opportunity of learning steps to hone these essential skills. Many students attempt to learn advanced steps when their posture is still awkward, their body is still stiff and heavy, their embrace is still broken, their walk is still clumsy, they still can't lead or follow through the torso, and they still need to hold on to the partner for balance and stability. Consequently, any advanced steps they learn are superficial and only reinforce poor habits. At this stage, it is vital to resist the temptation for quick results. Instead, adopt a structured and gradual approach, dedicating time to mastering essential skills and building a strong foundation (see Imitating Steps vs. Developing Skills). This approach may feel slow at first, but it lays the groundwork for faster progress in the long run.

Once you’ve moved beyond the introduction phase and begun dancing socially, you enter the second stage of your tango journey. At this stage, you continue to learn steps, but your main focus should now shift to correcting bad habits and cultivating good ones. If your personal practices do not align with tango standards, or if you picked up poor habits during the first stage, now is the time to address them. This stage can be long and demanding because habits formed over a lifetime are not easily changed. It requires patience and persistent work. You need a skilled teacher to guide you and help you correct issues step by step. Practicing in front of a mirror or reviewing video recordings of your dancing can help you evaluate your posture, embrace, connection, movement, and coordination. You must make constant, conscious efforts to overcome your old habits until you have ingrained the correct way of dancing tango and internalized the proper posture, embrace, connection, movements, and techniques that adhere to the aesthetic standards of tango.

As your dance begins to reflect the distinctive tango aesthetic, you enter the third stage of your tango journey. At this stage, your attention starts to shift from the external to the internal. Once steps are no longer an obstacle, you can focus on the intangible aspects of the dance. At this level, musicality becomes central. You must deepen your understanding of tango music—its many genres, tempos, rhythms, moods, and orchestras—and learn to interpret and dance to each piece uniquely. You need to improve your ability to express the music with your movement—using pauses, slow motion, embellishments, and advanced techniques that prioritize not only the visual appeal but also the feeling of the dance, such as cadencia, the gear effect and the cradle effect. Additionally, you need to work on improving flexibility, coordination, and body awareness, refining your connection and communication with your partner, and enhancing your ability to influence the movement of your partner's body with your body. You also need to go beyond the technical aspects and become a socially adept dancer. This involves learning the philosophy, culture and etiquette of tango. As your skills and experiences expand, so will your perspectives, and you will begin to see beyond yourself.

The ability to see beyond yourself marks the most significant transformation, signaling your entry into the final stage of the tango journey. At this stage, you begin to pay attention to your partner, to feel their emotions and feelings, to interprete their musical expression, to adapt and accommodate their dance, and to be one with them. You no longer dance to showcase your skills, but to provide comfort, joy, and contentment to your partner. Tango is no longer just steps; it becomes an expression of love. Your lead becomes less difficult and forceful, but gentle, responsive, and attuned to the ability of your partner. You want her to feel free, supported, and delighted in dancing with you. Your follow becomes less bumpy and counteractive, but fitting, smooth, light and in harmony with your leader. You want him to feel confident, comfortable, and enjoy your presence. You start to understand the essence of tango and see tango as what the milongueros see it. Now, you are at the top of the game.