The Age Prejudice in Tango

A few years ago, a friend of mine made a comment in a personal email after she read one of my blog articles. Although I've kept the content private out of respect for her concerns at the time, I think it’s now appropriate to “declassify” it. My last post, How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga, generated a call for discussion on the men’s role in the issue, which is exactly what her comment addresses. Here is her comment:

“I read your blog article with interest and agree with everything you say, but I'd like to comment on one aspect of behavior related to tango that you didn’t mention. I'm making this comment privately rather than publicly because, from bitter experience, I know how annoyed it makes men to hear what I think on this subject. It has to do with men’s attitudes at milongas regarding whom they choose to dance with - and men in Argentina are even worse than men in America about this.

Most men feel entitled to dance only with women they are personally attracted to and who, they think, will enhance their image. I can understand not wanting to dance with women who are poor dancers or unpleasant people, but this is seldom the case. Men tend to ignore women who aren’t sufficiently attractive or young, even if they are good dancers and even if they have friendly relationships with them. Women can sit out tanda after tanda, surrounded by men they know who otherwise treat them kindly, but who will ask every other woman around to dance while ignoring those they deem undesirable as romantic prospects or status symbols on the dance floor.

When this subject is broached, men often get very angry, or if a woman shows her disappointment while sitting alone, they resent the implication that they owe anyone anything or that they’ve failed in courtesy or generosity. Then they blame the women, calling them bad sports or accusing them of unfair demands. We're all taught that milongas are social gatherings, and the idea of the tango community is emphasized. Yet, while most women will dance with men they don’t particularly enjoy dancing with to be civil and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, almost no men will go out of their way to help a woman enjoy herself at a milonga unless they personally want to dance with her. I think that the integrity and social concern you rightly address should include more compassion in partner choice.

At every milonga I've ever attended, I see women suffering silently as they sit unasked among friends and acquaintances, not to mention strangers, while young, attractive beginners are asked constantly. My own gray hair has put me in this position all too often, and in Buenos Aires, I was even told that if I wanted men to dance with me, I should dye my hair or wear a wig because men don’t want to be associated with aging women on the dance floor. This chronic macho selfishness is tango’s biggest drawback for women, and it’s a deep source of sorrow for more women than you might imagine.”

I have to admit I felt guilty as I read her comment, realizing that until then, I’d never seriously considered how deeply some women are affected by the way they’re treated by men, myself included. Though many see the milonga as a refuge, it’s often a bittersweet place where men and women come together to tango, yet our enjoyment of the dance is too often hampered by prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness.

I can’t argue with human nature. Men are attracted to young, beautiful, and sexy women, just as women are drawn to young, handsome, and attractive men; we all tango for pleasure. However, we shouldn’t let our natural inclinations mislead us. A tango partner is not a life partner. Whether she is young, pretty, or fertile is irrelevant. What matters is her knowledge, understanding, musicality, taste, skills, and maturity as a tango dancer. These qualities take years of diligent study, practice, and education - at least ten years, in my opinion. Tango is an adult dance. Most people begin their tango journey as adults, often after completing their child-rearing responsibilities. By the time they truly get it, they are no longer young. That’s why milongueros and milongueras are generally older, yet they’re regarded as symbols of tango status. Dancers from all over the world come to Buenos Aires to dance with them.

In the US, the first and second generations of tango dancers are also reaching senior age, as the revival of tango that began in 1983 is now more than thirty years old. But unlike Argentina, here senior dancers often face ageism. At a recent event I attended, out of over a hundred participants, about a dozen older women sat mostly ignored. Under encouragement from the organizer, I decided to dance with each of these women, and it turned out to be a wonderful experience because all of them were excellent dancers, with most having danced tango for more than ten years. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about the naivety of bias against older dancers.

I’m not saying all older people are great dancers, nor do I advocate “charity” dances. But I believe that age discrimination in tango doesn’t make sense. It’s in our own interest not to judge or confuse tango with courtship. From my experience, women in their fifties and sixties are often the best social dancers. Men, especially younger men, shouldn’t miss the chance to dance with them. While mature women may not appear as fresh and sexy as younger ones, their embrace, connection, musicality, communication, and coordination are often much stronger. In other words, they have attained a deeper understanding of tango - a strength that mature women can fully use to serve themselves.

How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga

1. Be active
When fishing you need to attract fish with baits and lure them to bite. If you sit there with an empty and motionless hook, chances are that you will not get many bites. Non-action is a reason why some women are not invited to dance in the milongas. Men, like fish, are attracted to live baits. They do not reach out without incentives. This is so especially because 54.1% of men are introverts compare to 47.5% of women are introverts in the US, according to a study by the Myers-Briggs organization. If you just sit there passively waiting for men to come, chances are that you will sit there for a long time (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

2. Be observant
Passive women are not actively engaged in the invitation process. They don't pay attention to how men act, which men might be their potential partners, where these men sit, how they invite women to dance, whether they are reserved or outgoing, whether they use cabeceo or verbal invitation, etc. They just sit there chatting, browsing phones and waiting for someone to invite them. In contrast, proactive women are first and foremost good observers, who pay attention to men, observe their behaviors, identify prospective matches, locate their seats, and familiarize themselves with their invitation styles, so that they can take actions to catch their attention and be prepared for their move.

3. Pay attention to men
It is important to pay attention to men not only because you need to know your partners but also because men are more responsive to women who pay attention to them. Your attention signals your interest. A man can tell who are interested in him and who are not, and he acts much more positively to those who are. If you turn a blind eye to him, that sends a different message. Beware of the message you send. A gentleman does not force his way on you, he acts according to your will.

4. Be responsive
Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you, such as talking, eating, reading, browsing the phone, sitting with boyfriend, cliquing, being unchanged, wearing non-tango shoes, etc. Instead, let men see that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are observing you, and be responsive to their heed. Don't be afraid of showing your desire to dance. Many times I danced with a woman because she stood up with a smile and stared at me as I was passing by her seat. Oftentimes the woman I tried to cabeceo did not get the dance because she sat there like a wooden chicken, but the woman sat next to her got because she was active and responsive.

5. Change your attitude
Don't assume that initiating an invitation is easy for men. They also have self-esteem and can feel embarrassed or humiliated by your rejection. Many will not come back again as a result, and you don't want that. It takes courage for a man to come over and ask you to dance because he runs the risk of being rejected by you in front of others. Don't make it harder by your attitude. Instead, show your empathy and friendliness. Even if you don't want to dance at the moment, responding kindly does you no harm. You will save yourself a potential partner for later that way.

6. Smile more and be approachable
Women often complain that they don't get enough dances, but how many of them look into themselves for why? I don’t know how many times women have turned a blind eye, averted their eyes, looked dismissive, or even showed disdain when I tried to approach them. If you want to be invited, the best advice I can give is being friendly. Make it a habit to smile and let men see the passion in your eyes. I guarantee that you will get a lot more dances that way.

7. Make eye contact with men
Men often walk around in search of a partner. You might think that they walking by you to get a drink, use the bathroom, or something else that has nothing to do with you, but you'd be wrong. They are testing your reactions. If you sit there indifferently, that shows you are not interested. If you raise your head and make eye contact with them, that not only tells them you are looking for a partner, but also gives them a chance to cabeceo you. Making eye contact with men is very important because that is the way you let them know you want to dance.

8. Overcome your pride
In the milongas of Buenos Aires when a man approaches a women's table, every woman in that table will stare at him until they find out whom he is inviting. In the US, however, women have a different attitude. They all sit there wearing a blank face and ignore the man until he has to verbally ask one to dance. Brought up in a culture that teaches women to keep a distance from men, to avoid intimacy, to not give men ideas, to let men chase you and not submit yourself too easily, this kind of attitude is understandable. But if you act like a newbie in the milonga, your chance being invited is slim. Women, especially young women, should not confuse tango with courtship. What the world taught you does not work in the milongas, where men approach you to dance with you, not to steal your heart. In the milongas you need to learn from little children who are pure in heart and can easily get along with anyone.

9. Expand you horizons
A woman may reject a man because she thinks he is not a suitable dance partner for her. Women who hold this bias tend to only dance with men they know well. However, this is a big world. If you spend money attending an event where a large group of dancers from different places gather, it would be wise to take advantage of the opportunity to dance with as many men you don't know as possible. The assumption that someone is not good enough for you is often wrong. Most people seek partner among peers. If you are good and he wants to dance with you, he likely is not too bad either despite his humble appearance. By expanding your horizons, you will experience, learn and enjoy the dance much more.

10. Use cabeceo
Women in this country spend more time on dress than on cabeceo. While dress works to some degree, you will be more successful if you combine that with cabeceo. Cherie Magnus calls cabeceo one of "the most civilized customs" in the milonga (see Women's role in Cabeceo), which I agree. Women must learn this skill because that is the way, and often the only way, sophisticated tangueros use to invite a woman. An experienced tanguero does not oblige you to dance. He looks at you from across the room, or walks to where you can see him and gazes at you. If you exchange eye contact with him, he will nod at you to invite you. If you sit there like a dummy, that shows you are unworthy of his time and he will turn to a more experienced woman. Only novice men will force their way to your seat and ask you to dance. By using cabeceo, you not only get more dances, but better dances as well.

11. Be brave
Dancing with someone better than you can be rewarding, but you need to be brave and take the initiative because chances are that he will not ask. Most experienced tangueros use cabeceo to invite a woman, which will not work if you avoid their eyes. You should not let the thought that you are not good enough to intimidate you. Schopenhauer said, "Man is either vulgar or lonely." The more refined he is, the lonelier he becomes, and he will be happy to dance with you if you are willing. Don't be timid because of your lack of experience. A good dancer knows how to dance with anyone because tango to him is not a show of skills but an expression of love (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). You will be glad that you made the eye contact with him.

12. Stare at him longer
Some women do make eye contact with men, but they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. Women often think that a subtle cue, such as a quick glance, or moving closer, is enough to call a man's attention. However, that's not how men think. A man needs to see you eye-to-eye for a few seconds to make sure you want to dance with him before he makes a move. If you avoid eye contact with him, or avert your eyes too quickly, he'll take that as a rejection. If you want to dance with a man, you need to fix your eyes at him. Only if he doesn't act after ten seconds or more should you then turn your eyes away (see Tango Etiquette: Talking, Eye Contact, Clique and Hierarchy).

13. Be moderate
In a performance you need to be as striking as you can, but in social dancing you should follow the doctrine of the mean (see Social Tango and Performance Tango). Our culture encourages individuality and creativity, which is fine if you only need one man to appreciate your uniqueness. In the milongas, however, you want to get as many invitations as possible. Most men are ordinary folks. If your style is too unconventional, if your skills are too above average, if your dress is too exotic, if you are too fancy and showy, most men will find that intimidating. The emphasis of social tango is the communication of feelings, not the display of styles. A social dancer must balance being yourself and meeting the tastes of most people. Good dance skills do not have to be showy.

14. Be a woman
Men are attracted to women who are feminine, not women who are masculine or gender-neutral. If you cut your hair like a man, dress like a man, like to lead, like to dance with women, or wear flat shoes, your chance being invited by men will be limited. Some women think it's cool to imitate men. While there may be few guys who like that, most men don't. That's just the nature of being men. If you believe you don't have to respect that, that's your choice. But if you want to dance with men, then you must assume the feminine role in the partnership. Tango is not a showcase for individualism and feminism (see Femininity and Feminism (I)).

15. Improve yourself
Not getting enough invitations is one of the most expressed frustrations among women. While men may be a part to blame (see The Age Prejudice in Tango), I believe women have issues to address also. We all need to acknowledge that our cultural heritage such as liberalism, individualism, feminism, independence, and the focus on the self, contributed to the problem (see Tango and Individualism). Unless we've learned to accept, respect, love and cooperate with each other and developed a culture in our milongas that is different from the culture in which we live, we are not able to fully enjoy tango. That's a challenge we as non-Argentinians all have to face.