The Age Prejudice in Tango

A few years ago, a friend of mine made a comment in a personal email after she read one of my blog articles. Although I've kept the content private out of respect for her concerns at the time, I think it’s now appropriate to “declassify” it. My last post, How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas, generated a call for discussion on the men’s role in the issue, which is exactly what her comment addresses. Here is her comment:

“I read your blog article with interest and agree with everything you say, but I'd like to comment on one aspect of behavior related to tango that you didn’t mention. I'm making this comment privately rather than publicly because, from bitter experience, I know how annoyed it makes men to hear what I think on this subject. It has to do with men’s attitudes at milongas regarding whom they choose to dance with—and men in Argentina are even worse than men in America about this.

Most men feel entitled to dance only with women they are personally attracted to and who, they think, will enhance their image. I can understand not wanting to dance with women who are poor dancers or unpleasant people, but this is seldom the case. Men tend to ignore women who aren’t sufficiently attractive or young, even if they are good dancers and even if they have friendly relationships with them. Women can sit out tanda after tanda, surrounded by men they know who otherwise treat them kindly, but who will ask every other woman around to dance while ignoring those they deem undesirable as romantic prospects or status symbols on the dance floor.

When this subject is broached, men often get very angry, or if a woman shows her disappointment while sitting alone, they resent the implication that they owe anyone anything or that they’ve failed in courtesy or generosity. Then they blame the women, calling them bad sports or accusing them of unfair demands. We're all taught that milongas are social gatherings, and the idea of the tango community is emphasized. Yet, while most women will dance with men they don’t particularly enjoy dancing with to be civil and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, almost no men will go out of their way to help a woman enjoy herself at a milonga unless they personally want to dance with her. I think that the integrity and social concern you rightly address should include more compassion in partner choice.

At every milonga I've ever attended, I see women suffering silently as they sit unasked among friends and acquaintances, not to mention strangers, while young, attractive beginners are asked constantly. My own gray hair has put me in this position all too often, and in Buenos Aires, I was even told that if I wanted men to dance with me, I should dye my hair or wear a wig because men don’t want to be associated with aging women on the dance floor. This chronic macho selfishness is tango’s biggest drawback for women, and it’s a deep source of sorrow for more women than you might imagine.”

I have to admit, guilt washed over me as I read her comment, realizing that until then, I had never truly considered the depth of impact men's behavior—including my own—can have on women. While many view the milonga as a refuge, it is often a bittersweet space where men and women come together to tango. Yet, too often, our enjoyment of the dance is hampered by our own prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness.

I can’t argue with human nature. Men are attracted to young, beautiful, and alluring women, just as women are drawn to young, handsome, and attractive men; and we all tango for pleasure. However, we must not let this instinct cloud our judgment. A tango partner is not a life partner. Whether they are young, pretty, or fertile is irrelevant. What matters is their knowledge, understanding, musicality, taste, skills, and maturity as a tango dancer. These qualities take years, even decades, of dedicated study, practice, and education to cultivate. Tango is an adult dance. Most people take it up only after establishing a career or raising a family. By the time they truly understand it, they are no longer young. That is why milongueros and milongueras tend to be older, yet in the milongas of Buenos Aires, they are revered. Young Argentine dancers consider it an honor to share a tanda with them, and tango enthusiasts from around the world travel to Buenos Aires for the same privilege.

In the U.S., the first and second generations of tango dancers are now reaching their senior years, as the revival of tango that began in 1983 has spanned more than three decades. But unlike in Argentina, here senior dancers often face ageism. At a recent event I attended, out of over a hundred participants, about a dozen older women sat largely ignored. Encouraged by the organizer, I decided to dance with them—and it turned out to be a truly enriching experience. All these women were excellent dancers, with most having danced tango for more than ten years. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about the naivety of bias against older dancers.

I’m not suggesting that all older dancers are exceptional, nor do I advocate for “charity” dances. But I believe that ageism in tango is unjustified, considering that older dancers often have significantly more experience than their younger counterparts and the fact that there are a lot more adept tangueros and tangueras among older dancers than among younger ones. It’s in our own best interest to move beyond age-based judgments and avoid conflating tango with courtship. From my experience, women in their fifties, sixties, and seventies are often among the finest social dancers. Younger men, in particular, shouldn’t miss the opportunity to dance with them. Mature women may not appear as fresh and sexy as younger ones, but their embrace, connection, musicality, communication, and coordination are often far superior. In other words, they have attained a deeper understanding of tango through years of practice—a strength that mature dancers can fully harness to serve themselves. Dancing with them allows younger dancers to gain an entirely new perspective on tango, an experience they might otherwise miss out on.

How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas

1. Be an Active Participant, Not a Passive Bystander
Imagine going fishing without bait or movement—you won’t catch much. The same applies to tango. Many women miss out on invitations simply because they sit passively, waiting to be noticed. But attraction requires action. Most men need some form of encouragement before approaching, especially considering that, according to the Myers-Briggs organization, 54.1% of American men are introverts, compared to 47.5% of women. If you expect invitations without engaging, you may be waiting a long time. (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

2. Study Men's Behavior
Women who receive more invitations aren’t just lucky—they pay attention to how men behave: where they sit, how they make invitations, whether they use cabeceo or verbal cues, and whether they are shy or assertive. Too often, women miss these subtleties while ingaging in talking, checking their phones, or staring off into space. In contrast, proactive dancers are keen observers. They identify potential dance partners, understand their invitation styles, and position themselves strategically to increase their chances of being invited.

3. Be Aware of the Signals You're Sending
Men respond positively to women who show interest. If you pay attention to a man, he will likely reciprocate. If you ignore him, it sends the opposite message. A courteous man will never impose—he acts based on the signs you give. Be conscious of the cues you’re sending, as they can determine whether or not you get an invitation.

4. Acknowledge Men's Attention When It's Given
Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you: chatting, eating, reading, using your phone, being unchanged, or forming tight social cliques. Instead, show that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are watching you, and respond accordingly. Don't be afraid of showing your desire to dance. I’ve often danced with women simply because they looked at me invingly, while others remained distant or indifferent.

5. Change Your Attitude
Don’t underestimate the emotional risk men take in asking for a dance. Rejection can be humiliating, and many will not attempt again. Understand the courage it takes to make an invitation, especially in a public space. If you respond coldly or dismissively, you discourage not just one man but others who observe. Empathy and kindness keep your social doors open—even if you decline a dance, how you do it matters.

6. Be Warm and Friendly
Many women lament their lack of dances without reflecting on their own demeanor. Indifference, evasive eyes, or a haughty expression can push potential partners away. Warmth is magnetic. Smile, show enthusiasm, and be genuinely approachable. These simple acts dramatically increase your chances of being invited.

7. Make Eye Contact
Men often roam the floor, not aimlessly, but scanning for reactions. If you ignore them, they’ll assume you’re not interested. If you make eye contact, you signal that you want to dance. Eye contact is essential—it paves the way for an invitation.

8. Let Go of Pride
In Buenos Aires, when a man approaches a women's table, every woman on that table eagerly stares at him. In the U.S., with a culture that values self-esteem and pride, women often show a different attitude—they remain impassive and ignore the man. This attitude, though culturally understandable, works against the dynamic of the milonga. In tango, a blank face can read as rejection. Tango women should learn from little children—open, curious, unburdened by ego.

9. Widen Your Circle
Some women reject unfamiliar men because they assume those dancers aren’t good enough. Women who hold this bias tend to only dance with men they know. However, this assumption is often wrong. Most people seek partners of similar level. If you are good and he wants to dance with you, he likely is not too bad either despite his humble appearance. By expanding your horizons, you will experience, learn and enjoy the dance much more.

10. Master the Art of Cabeceo
Women must learn to do cabeceo because this is the way, and often the only way, sophisticated tangueros use to invite a woman. An experienced tanguero does not oblige you to dance. He seeks your eye across the room. If you exchange eye contact with him, he will nod at you to invite you. If you sit there like a dummy, that shows you are unworthy of his time and he will turn to a more experienced woman. Only novice men will force their way to your seat and ask you to dance. By using cabeceo, you not only get more dances, but better ones.

11. Take the Initiative
Some of the most satisfying dances come from experienced tangueros, but they won’t always make the first move. They wait for your eye contact, and if you avoid their gaze, you’ll miss your chance. Don’t let self-doubt hold you back. A great dancer doesn’t need a perfect partner—they care more about connection than display. Confidence is compelling. When you dare to meet their eyes, you may be surprised by what you receive in return.

12. Hold Eye Contact Longer
Some women make eye contact briefly to avoid showing desperation. They may think that a glance is enough to call a man's attention. However, that's not how men think. They need clarity. If you look away too soon, they’ll interpret it as rejection. You need to hold your gaze at them. Only if nothing happens after a few seconds should you then turn away (see Tango Etiquette: Talking, Eye Contact, Clique and Hierarchy).

13. Be Humble and Approachable
In performance, you want to stand out. In social dancing, you want to connect. Extravagant style, flashy movements, or highly individualistic expressions may come off as intimidating. Most men aren’t looking for a spectacle—they’re looking for warmth, compatibility, and presence. Dance well, but don’t make it a show. Social tango is communication, not competition.

14. Embrace Femininity
Men are naturally drawn to women who embrace their femininity. If you adopt a masculine style—short haircuts, androgynous clothing, leading roles, or flat shoes—you may receive fewer invitations from men. While some women see gender-neutral styles as empowering, the reality is that most men are attracted to feminine energy. If dancing with men is your goal, embracing the feminine role in tango will increase your chances of being invited. (see Femininity and Feminism (I)).

15. Improve Yourself
Not getting enough invitations is one of the most expressed frustrations among women. While men may be a part to blame (see The Age Prejudice in Tango), women have issues also. We all need to acknowledge that our cultural heritage—individualism, feminism, liberalism, independence, and the focus on the self—contributed to the problem (see Tango and Individualism). Unless we've learned to accept, respect, love and cooperate with each other and developed a culture in our milongas that is different from the culture of the world, we are not able to fully enjoy tango. That's a challenge we as non-Argentinians all have to face.