The Age Prejudice in Tango

A few years ago, a friend of mine made a comment in a personal email after she read one of my blog articles. Although I've kept the content private out of respect for her concerns at the time, I think it’s now appropriate to “declassify” it. My last post, How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas, generated a call for discussion on the men’s role in the issue, which is exactly what her comment addresses. Here is her comment:

“I read your blog article with interest and agree with everything you say, but I'd like to comment on one aspect of behavior related to tango that you didn’t mention. I'm making this comment privately rather than publicly because, from bitter experience, I know how annoyed it makes men to hear what I think on this subject. It has to do with men’s attitudes at milongas regarding whom they choose to dance with—and men in Argentina are even worse than men in America about this.

Most men feel entitled to dance only with women they are personally attracted to and who, they think, will enhance their image. I can understand not wanting to dance with women who are poor dancers or unpleasant people, but this is seldom the case. Men tend to ignore women who aren’t sufficiently attractive or young, even if they are good dancers and even if they have friendly relationships with them. Women can sit out tanda after tanda, surrounded by men they know who otherwise treat them kindly, but who will ask every other woman around to dance while ignoring those they deem undesirable as romantic prospects or status symbols on the dance floor.

When this subject is broached, men often get very angry, or if a woman shows her disappointment while sitting alone, they resent the implication that they owe anyone anything or that they’ve failed in courtesy or generosity. Then they blame the women, calling them bad sports or accusing them of unfair demands. We're all taught that milongas are social gatherings, and the idea of the tango community is emphasized. Yet, while most women will dance with men they don’t particularly enjoy dancing with to be civil and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, almost no men will go out of their way to help a woman enjoy herself at a milonga unless they personally want to dance with her. I think that the integrity and social concern you rightly address should include more compassion in partner choice.

At every milonga I've ever attended, I see women suffering silently as they sit unasked among friends and acquaintances, not to mention strangers, while young, attractive beginners are asked constantly. My own gray hair has put me in this position all too often, and in Buenos Aires, I was even told that if I wanted men to dance with me, I should dye my hair or wear a wig because men don’t want to be associated with aging women on the dance floor. This chronic macho selfishness is tango’s biggest drawback for women, and it’s a deep source of sorrow for more women than you might imagine.”

I have to admit I felt guilty as I read her comment, realizing that until then, I’d never seriously considered how deeply some women are affected by the way they’re treated by men, myself included. Though many see the milonga as a refuge, it’s often a bittersweet place where men and women come together to tango, yet our enjoyment of the dance is too often hampered by our own prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness.

I can’t argue with human nature. Men are attracted to young, beautiful, and sexy women, just as women are drawn to young, handsome, and attractive men; and we all tango for pleasure. However, we shouldn’t let this natural inclination mislead us. A tango partner is not a life partner. Whether they are young, pretty, or fertile is irrelevant. What matters is their knowledge, understanding, musicality, taste, skills, and maturity as a tango dancer. These qualities take years, even decades, of diligent study, practice, and education to cultivate. Tango is an adult dance. Most people begin dancing only after establishing a career or raising a family. By the time they truly get it, they are no longer young. That’s why milongueros and milongueras are generally older people, yet they’re regarded as status symbols in the milongas of Buenos Aires. Young Argentineans consider it an honor to dance with them, and dancers from all over the world come to Buenos Aires to do the same.

In the U.S., the first and second generations of tango dancers are also reaching their senior age, as the revival of tango that began in 1983 is more than 30 years old. But unlike in Argentina, here senior dancers often face ageism. At a recent event I attended, out of over a hundred participants, about a dozen older women sat mostly ignored. Under encouragement from the organizer, I decided to dance with them, and it turned out to be a wonderful experience. All these women were excellent dancers, with most having danced tango for more than ten years. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about the naivety of bias against older dancers.

I’m not suggesting that all older people are great dancers, nor do I advocate “charity” dances. But I believe that ageism in tango is unjustified, given the fact that there are a lot more experienced tangueros and tangueras among older dancers than among younger ones. It’s in our own best interest to stop judging dancers by age or confusing tango with courtship. From my experience, women in their fifties and sixties are often the finest social dancers. Men, especially younger men, shouldn’t miss the chance to dance with them. Mature women may not appear as fresh and sexy as younger ones, but their embrace, connection, musicality, communication, and coordination are often much stronger. In other words, they have attained a deeper understanding of tango through years of practice—a strength that mature dancers can fully use to serve themselves. Dancing with them, young dancers are able to gain a completely new experience and understanding of tango that they would otherwise miss out on.

How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas

1. Active Participation, Not Passive Waiting
When fishing you need to attract fish with baits and lure them to bite. If you sit there with an empty and motionless hook, chances are that you will not get many bites. Inactivity is a major reason why some women don’t receive invitations to dance in the milongas. Men, like fish, are attracted to live baits. They do not reach out without incentives. This is so especially because, according to a study by the Myers-Briggs organization, 54.1% of men in the U.S. are introverts, compared to 47.5% of women. If you sit there passively waiting for men to come, chances are that you will sit there for a long time (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

2. Observe Men's Behavior
Many women miss invitations simply because they are not actively engaged in the invitation process. They don't pay attention to how men interact, where they sit, how they invite partners, whether they are reserved or outgoing, whether they use cabeceo or verbal invitation. Instead, they chat, browse their phones, or wait idly. In contrast, proactive women are keen observers, identifying potential dance partners, understanding their invitation styles, and positioning themselves strategically to increase their chances of being invited.

3. Be Aware of the Message You Send
Men respond positively to women who show interest. If you pay attention to a man, he will notice and likely reciprocate. On the other hand, if you ignore him, it sends the opposite message. A gentleman will not force his way in—he will act according to the signals you give. Be conscious of the cues you’re sending, as they can determine whether or not you get an invitation.

4. Respond to Men's Attention
Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you, such as chatting, eating, reading, using your phone, sitting with a partner, cliquing, or being unchanged. Instead, show that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are observing you, and respond accordingly. Don't be afraid of showing your desire to dance. I’ve often danced with women simply because they looked at me warmly and invitingly, while others remained distant or indifferent.

5. Change Your Attitude
Don't assume that initiating an invitation is easy for men. They also have self-esteem and can feel embarrassed or humiliated by your harsh rejection. Many will not come back again, and you don't want that. It takes courage for a man to come over and ask you to dance because he runs the risk of being rejected by you in front of others. Don't make it harder by your attitude. Instead, show your empathy and friendliness. Even if you don’t want to dance at the moment, a kind response keeps the door open for future invitations.

6. Be Warm and Friendly
Women often complain that they aren’t getting enough dances but rarely reflect on their own demeanor. Many times, I’ve seen women avert their eyes, appear dismissive, or even show disdain when approached. The best way to attract invitations is to be warm and friendly. Make it a habit to smile at men, show enthusiasm, and let them know you want to dance. I guarantee this will dramatically increase your opportunities.

7. Make Eye Contact
Men frequently walk around scanning for potential partners. You might assume they’re heading to get a drink or use the restroom, but you'd be wrong. They are testing your reaction. If you ignore them, they’ll assume you’re not interested. If you make eye contact, however, you signal that you’re open to an invitation. Eye contact is essential—it’s how you let men know you want to dance.

8. Overcome Your Pride
In Buenos Aires, when a man approaches a table of women, all the women look at him to see who he’s inviting. In the U.S., however, women have a different attitude. They all sit there wearing a blank face and ignore the man until he explicitly asks someone. Brought up in a culture that emphasizes self-esteem, independence and reservedness, this attitude is understandable. But if you act like a newbie in the milonga, your chance being invited is slim. Women, especially young women, should not confuse tango with courtship. What the world taught you does not work in the milongas, where men approach you to dance with you, not to steal your heart. In the milongas you need to learn from little children who are pure in heart and can easily get along with anyone.

9. Expand Your Horizons
A woman may reject a man because she thinks he is not a suitable dance partner for her. Women who hold this bias tend to only dance with men they know. However, attending a large tango event is an opportunity to dance with new people. The assumption that someone is not good enough for you is often wrong. Most people seek partner among peers. If you are good and he wants to dance with you, he likely is not too bad either despite his humble appearance. By expanding your horizons, you will experience, learn and enjoy the dance much more.

10. Use Cabeceo
In this country, women often focus more on their outfits than on cabeceo. While dress works to some degree, you will be more successful if you combine that with cabeceo. Cherie Magnus called it one of "the most civilized customs" in the milonga (see Women's role in Cabeceo), which I agree. Women must learn this skill because this is the way, and often the only way, sophisticated tangueros use to invite a woman. An experienced tanguero does not oblige you to dance. He looks at you from across the room, or walks to where you can see him and gazes at you. If you exchange eye contact with him, he will nod at you to invite you. If you sit there like a dummy, that shows you are unworthy of his time and he will turn to a more experienced woman. Only novice men will force their way to your seat and ask you to dance. By using cabeceo, you not only get more dances, but better dances as well.

11. Take Initiative
Dancing with experienced tangueros can be incredibly rewarding, but you may need to take the first step. Most experienced tangueros use cabeceo to invite a woman, which will not work if you avoid eye contact. Don’t let the thought that you are not good enough to hold you back—confidence is attractive. A great dancer knows how to dance with anyone, because tango to him is not a show but an expression of love (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). You will be glad that you made the eye contact with him.

12. Hold Eye Contact Longer
Some women do make eye contact with men, but they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. Women often think that a subtle cue, such as a quick glance, or moving closer, is enough to call a man's attention. However, that's not how men think. Men need sustained eye contact to make sure you want to dance with them before they inviting you. If you avert your eyes too quickly, they’ll take it as rejection. You need to hold your gaze at them. Only if they don't act after a few seconds should you then turn your eyes away (see Tango Etiquette: Talking, Eye Contact, Clique and Hierarchy).

13. Be Humble and Balanced
In performances, standing out is key. In social dancing, blending in matters more. Extreme individuality—whether through unconventional styles, extravagant outfits, or overly showy movements—can be intimidating. Most men seek connection, not spectacle. Aim for a balance between being yourself and being approachable. Good dance skills do not have to be showy. Social dancing is about communication, not just skill.

14. Embrace Femininity
Men are naturally drawn to women who embrace their femininity. If you adopt a masculine style—short haircuts, androgynous clothing, leading roles, or flat shoes—you may receive fewer invitations from men. While some women see gender-neutral styles as empowering, the reality is that most men are attracted to feminine energy. If dancing with men is your goal, embracing the feminine role in tango will increase your chances of being invited. (see Femininity and Feminism (I)).

15. Improve Yourself
Not getting enough invitations is one of the most expressed frustrations among women. While men may be a part to blame (see The Age Prejudice in Tango), I believe women have issues to address also. We all need to acknowledge that our cultural heritage such as liberalism, individualism, feminism, independence, and the focus on the self, contributed to the problem (see Tango and Individualism). Unless we've learned to accept, respect, love and cooperate with each other and developed a culture in our milongas that is different from the culture of the world, we are not able to fully enjoy tango. That's a challenge we as non-Argentinians all have to face.