Tango entails intimate physical contact and emotional interactions that can affect people deeply on many levels, thus must not be approached casually. The enjoyment of tango depends not only on the dancers' abilities, but also on the dynamics of their relationships and the broader social ambiance influenced by the demeanor of all dancers. With the evolution of tango, codes of conduct have also developed, assuming a significant role within the dance community. Learning these codes and mastering the proper way to behave and treat each other in the milonga is an essential part of a dancer's education. The following are things you must know when you go to a milonga.
Part One: Preparation for Dance
1. Personal hygiene
Tango is danced in close embrace, therefore personal hygiene is important. You need to take a shower, wash hair, brush teeth and change cloth before going to a milonga. Smells from your hair, mouth, body or cloth can make your partner uncomfortable.
2. Makeup
Appropriate make-up shows respect for others. It's advisable to refrain from using greasy hair dyes, heavy styling creams, and excessive makeup, as close contact during dancing may cause them to leave marks on the partner's face and clothing. Wear perfume with a pleasant fragrance and avoid odd scents. Be mindful that some people may be allergic to certain chemicals.
3. Dress code
Your outfit should match the beauty of the dance, not spoil it. Men look better in suits, not casual clothing like T-shirts and jeans. Women look better when dance in dress or skirt - not too long or too exposed. Do not wear ornaments that may rub your partner's chest in close embrace. Men should wear leather shoes. Women should wear high heels. Sneakers and sandals are inappropriate.
4. Seating
When dancers enter the venue, they will be cordially received by the milonga host, who will take them to their seats. In a small venue, men and women are seated separately on different sides of the room. In a large venue, men and women sit at different tables but the tables are mixed to facilitate cabeceo. Unless a request to sit together is made, couples and friends who come together are seated apart to ensure everyone the same opportunity to invite others or be invited by others.
5. Changing
Women change in the ladies' room, not at the table. Men, too, go to the men’s room to prepare for the dance, or to fix themselves between tandas. This is not only for looking good but also for showing courtesy and respect for others and the dance.
6. Dating couple
A couple who come to dance instead of dating should not sit together, otherwise people may avoid inviting them out of respect for their relationship. Dating couples who only dance with each other should not occupy a table that is easily accessible. Such seats should be left to people who need to do cabeceo. In Buenos Aires, a dating couple usually sit at a quiet corner. They do not dance with others, neither do other people bother them.
7. Equal opportunity
With the exception of dating couples, all dancers have equal opportunities to dance with anyone else in the milonga. There should not be discrimination and coterie. Cliquing is inappropriate in the milonga because it causes segregation, making it difficult for others to invite a member of the clique. Women should not sit with their male friends and dance only with them. Separate seating helps to prevent cliquing.
Part Two: Invitation
1. Verbal invitation
A verbal invitation may put a woman in the dilemma of either accepting the invitation unwillingly or saying no to the man, thus is not the best way to invite a woman to dance. But in places where tango culture has not been established, that often is the way men use to invite a woman. In that case the woman should respond in an amicable manner, especially if she does not accept the invitation. Arrogance and rudeness do not conform to the spirit of tango.
2. Cabeceo
The correct way to invite a woman to dance is nodding at her from a distance. The woman may nod her head to accept the invitation, or she may turn her head away to decline. This way of inviting a woman to dance is called cabeceo. Cabeceo gives the woman the freedom to accept or reject the invitation without being obligated to dance or causing public embarrassment to the man (see Women's Role in Cabeceo).
3. Active participation
For cabeceo to work women must participate in the invitation process. Women should not sit there talking, browsing on their phones, or playing with their clothes, and ignoring men. Rather, they should pay attention to men, actively make eye contact with men, and be responsive to men's cabeceo (see Tango Etiquette: Eye Contact, Talking, Clique and Hierarchy).
4. Light
The light in the milonga, therefore, must be bright enough for people to see each other and do cabeceo. Some milonga organizers dim the lights or use disco balls in order to create a romantic air, which only does a disservice to the milonga.
5. What if you made a mistake
When doing cabeceo, you need to make sure that the person is nodding at you and not someone behind you or next to you. However, in a crowded milonga errors could occur. Sometimes a man thought that a woman has accepted his cabeceo, only to find that she goes to join another man. In that case he has to quickly cabeceo someone else while on his way to pick up the woman, or go to the men's room instead. Sometimes two women at the same table both think they are cabeceoed by the same man. To avoid confusion, the man picking up the woman should look into her eyes while walking towards her and avoid making eye contact with any other woman (see The Issues on Cabeceo).
6. Rotating seat
Cabeceo could be hindered by distance, crowd, dim light and bad eyesight. As a remedy you may rotate your seat in different parts of the venue to facilitate cabecceo, if the seats are not fixed. If the seats are fixed, you may temporarily leave your seat and walk to where you are able to make eye contact with the person of your choice, and then do cabeceo.
7. How to invite a woman who is talking
A gentleman does not interrupt a woman when she is talking. If you want to dance with a woman but she is talking with someone - which unfortunately is a frequent occurrence in the US, you should move closer to where she can see you and wait there patiently while look into her eyes until she notices you, and then seize the opportunity to cabeceo her. If she keeps on talking without paying any attention to you, then you should give up on her and search for another woman.
8. Do not oblige a woman to dance
If you try to make eye contact with a woman but she turns a blind eye, what does that mean? "She did not see me, I should go to ask her directly." Wrong. She turns a blind eye because she does not want to dance with you. If she wants you she will let you know. You should not force your way to her seat to ask her, as that may put her in a dilemma she was trying to avoid in the first place. Instead, you should stay where you are and wait until she makes eye contact with you, and then cabeceo her to see if she will accept your invitation.
9. Listening to what she means
If you verbally asks a woman to dance and she replies "I am resting my feet." What does that mean? "She wants me to give her few minutes." Wrong. No matter how tactful her words are, so long as she does not immediately join you, that is a decline. You should give up on her for the moment and turn to someone else. Do not linger there waiting, as which, if she is expecting someone else, could make her feel uneasy.
10. Acting in good faith
The woman who said "I am taking a break" to one man should not accept another man’s invitation right away. She should at least wait until the next tanda. Otherwise she would hurt the feeling of the man who asked her first. Neither should another man go immediately to invite her. You would break her faith with the first man if she accepts your invitation. Or, you would bring contempt to yourself if she keeps her words.
11. Practicing good manner
You should avoid being inconsiderately blunt. For example, instead of saying "no" to a verbal invitation, you may say, "I am taking a break now, may I dance with you later?" Such polite decline gives the inviter a way out without feeling being rejected and humiliated in front of other people. Women who are resting may take off their shoes. That way, no men will bother them.
12. Going all out
Some women reluctantly accepted the invitation and danced in a perfunctory manner. That is also improper. If you do not want to dance with the man, you should not accept his invitation. If you accept the invitation, then you must spare no effort to assume your role as his partner. Declining an invitation is normal. Perfunctoriness, on the other hand, antagonizes the spirit of tango. Of course, all such errors could be avoided if cabeceo is used as the way of invitation (see How to Get More Invitations in the Milonga).
Part Three: Dancing
1. Taking a detour
The woman who has accepted the cabeceo should sit at her seat and wait for the man come to take her into the dance floor. To avoid interrupting the people already dancing on the dance floor, the man picking up the woman should not walk through the dancing crowds but should take a detour around the dance floor to where the woman is.
2. Seeking permission
Before taking the woman into the dance floor, the man should make eye contact with the leader of the approaching dancing couple and get his permission. Forcefully squeezing into the floor is impolite. If the oncoming dancing couple are novices who cannot slow down, it would be better to let them pass. Dancing in front of them does you no good because they are likely to cause a rear-end collision. Experienced dancers will leave a gap for you to enter, and it is safe with such people dance after you.
3. Dancing social tango only
There are different styles in tango, some are suited to social dancing in the milongas, others are not (see The Styles of Tango). Dancers should avoid styles that are not designed for social dancing. Using the milonga to demonstrate and promote performance tango does a great disservice to the milonga (see Social Tango and Performance Tango).
4. Tanda and cortina
Tango music is played in a set of three or four songs, called a tanda. Between two tandas is a short interlude, called cortina, which is used to clear the dance floor and change partners. One should dance the entire tanda with the same partner. Unless you have a very good reason, calling off in the middle of the tanda is impolite.
5. One tanda a time
You just danced one tanda with a woman and felt really good, can you ask her to continue for another tanda? While this is up to the two of you, keep in mind that other people are looking forward to dancing with her also, and that her male companion may feel uncomfortable about it because dancing multiple tandas in a row with the same woman indicates you like her. For a woman, accepting such a request signals the reciprocal feeling. It is wise not to encourage the man if you have no intention to get involved.
6. Brief conversation
Dancers often start the dance after the prelude of each song in order to figure out the rhythm of the song. While waiting they may engage a small talk. This brief conversation, however, sometimes becomes too long. Some people stand there talking even after others around them all started to dance. As a rule of thumb, when the rhythm of the song becomes clear, or when people around you start to dance, you should begin to move to avoid causing obstruction to traffic.
7. Do not advise your partner
Criticizing or correcting your partner while dancing puts yourself in a superior position and may hurt your partner's feelings. Milonga is where people come to enjoy dancing with each other. Teaching should be left in the classroom. If you admire a master, attending his/her class is a good idea, but do not ask him/her to teach you on the dance floor, as that could oblige him/her to do the thing they should not do at the milonga (see Tango - The Art of Love).
8. Complying with navigation rules
The outer edge of the dance floor is divided into two or more lanes like the tracks in a race arena. These tracks or lanes are for skilled dancers who can keep up with traffic. Dancing couples should dance in their respective lanes in a counterclocwise direction, known as the line of dance. Those who want to practice new steps should do so at the center floor to avoid causing obstruction to traffic. Zigzagging between lanes or dancing against the line of dance can easily cause collisions with others and should be avoided (see Spot Dancing in Tango).
9. Keeping a proper distance
Each dancing couple should keep a proper distance from the couple in front of them and not be too close or too far apart from them. Beginners often focus on doing steps in place, causing blockage to traffic, or follow too tightly and leave little room for the dancers in front of them to move around, causing collisions. These are all inappropriate (see Cadencia and the Flow of Tango).
10. Safety first
The man who leads the woman has the responsibility to protect her and prevent her from being bumped, kicked or stepped on by others. For the same reason, he should not lead her to do things that may hurt her or others, such as high boleo, kick, gancho and lift.
11. Maintaining a healthy dance environment
All dancers should behave in their best manner - friendly, respectful, polite, considerate, cooperative and accommodating. If someone behaved disrespectfully to others, the rest of the crowd should boycott him/her for a while to let the person feel the public disapproval, as milongueros all do in the milongas of Buenos Aires. This will help to keep the dance environment amicable and healthy.
12. Evacuating the dance floor
The cortina between two tandas lasts only for thirty seconds or so. This very short interval is designed to clear the dance floor and change partners. Dancers should leave the dance floor during the cortina. Staying and talking on the dance floor during the cortina will hinder the preparation for the next round of dance.
13. Escorting the woman to her seat
Some women may become disoriented on a crowded dance floor. Escorting them back to their seats after the tanda is a common practice in Buenos Aires. The man should not talk with the woman after sending her back lest delaying her being invited for the next tanda.
14. The last tanda
Near the end of the milonga the DJ usually will announce the last tanda. If you sit next to a couple, it would be nice to let the couple dance the last tanda and not preempt the invitation to the woman, unless her male companion is tired and she still wants to dance. Your good manner will be a blessing to the milonga.
