The Age Prejudice in Tango

A few years ago, a friend of mine made a comment in a personal email after she read one of my blog articles. Although I've kept the content private out of respect for her concerns at the time, I think it’s now appropriate to “declassify” it. My last post, How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas, generated a call for discussion on the men’s role in the issue, which is exactly what her comment addresses. Here is her comment:

“I read your blog article with interest and agree with everything you say, but I'd like to comment on one aspect of behavior related to tango that you didn’t mention. I'm making this comment privately rather than publicly because, from bitter experience, I know how annoyed it makes men to hear what I think on this subject. It has to do with men’s attitudes at milongas regarding whom they choose to dance with - and men in Argentina are even worse than men in America about this.

Most men feel entitled to dance only with women they are personally attracted to and who, they think, will enhance their image. I can understand not wanting to dance with women who are poor dancers or unpleasant people, but this is seldom the case. Men tend to ignore women who aren’t sufficiently attractive or young, even if they are good dancers and even if they have friendly relationships with them. Women can sit out tanda after tanda, surrounded by men they know who otherwise treat them kindly, but who will ask every other woman around to dance while ignoring those they deem undesirable as romantic prospects or status symbols on the dance floor.

When this subject is broached, men often get very angry, or if a woman shows her disappointment while sitting alone, they resent the implication that they owe anyone anything or that they’ve failed in courtesy or generosity. Then they blame the women, calling them bad sports or accusing them of unfair demands. We're all taught that milongas are social gatherings, and the idea of the tango community is emphasized. Yet, while most women will dance with men they don’t particularly enjoy dancing with to be civil and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, almost no men will go out of their way to help a woman enjoy herself at a milonga unless they personally want to dance with her. I think that the integrity and social concern you rightly address should include more compassion in partner choice.

At every milonga I've ever attended, I see women suffering silently as they sit unasked among friends and acquaintances, not to mention strangers, while young, attractive beginners are asked constantly. My own gray hair has put me in this position all too often, and in Buenos Aires, I was even told that if I wanted men to dance with me, I should dye my hair or wear a wig because men don’t want to be associated with aging women on the dance floor. This chronic macho selfishness is tango’s biggest drawback for women, and it’s a deep source of sorrow for more women than you might imagine.”

I have to admit I felt guilty as I read her comment, realizing that until then, I’d never seriously considered how deeply some women are affected by the way they’re treated by men, myself included. Though many see the milonga as a refuge, it’s often a bittersweet place where men and women come together to tango, yet our enjoyment of the dance is too often hampered by our own prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness.

I can’t argue with human nature. Men are attracted to young, beautiful, and sexy women, just as women are drawn to young, handsome, and attractive men; and we all tango for pleasure. However, we shouldn’t let this natural inclination mislead us. A tango partner is not a life partner. Whether he/she is young, pretty, or fertile is irrelevant. What matters is his/her knowledge, understanding, musicality, taste, skills, and maturity as a tango dancer. These qualities take years of diligent study, practice, and education—at least fifteen years, in my opinion. Tango is an adult dance. Most people begin their tango journey as adults, often after completing their child-rearing responsibilities. By the time they truly get it, they are no longer young. That’s why milongueros and milongueras are generally older people, yet they’re regarded as status symbols in the milongas of Buenos Aires. Young Argentineans consider it an honor to dance with them, and dancers from all over the world come to Buenos Aires to do the same.

In the US, the first and second generations of tango dancers are also reaching their senior ages, as the revival of tango that began in 1983 is now more than thirty years old. But unlike in Argentina, here senior dancers often face ageism. At a recent event I attended, out of over a hundred participants, about a dozen older women sat mostly ignored. Under encouragement from the organizer, I decided to dance with these women, and it turned out to be a wonderful experience. All of them were excellent dancers, with most having danced tango for more than ten years. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about the naivety of bias against older dancers.

I’m not saying all older people are great dancers, nor do I advocate “charity” dances. But I believe that ageism in tango is unjustified, given the fact that there are a lot more experienced tangueros and tangueras among older dancers than among younger ones. It’s in our own interest not to judge dancers by their age or confuse tango with courtship. From my experience, women in their fifties and sixties are often the best social dancers. Men, especially younger men, shouldn’t miss the chance to dance with them. While mature women may not appear as fresh and sexy as younger ones, their embrace, connection, musicality, communication, and coordination are often much stronger. In other words, they have attained a deeper understanding of tango through years of practice—a strength that mature dancers can fully use to serve themselves. Dancing with them, young dancers are able to gain a completely new experience and understanding of tango that they would otherwise miss out on.

How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas

1. Active participation, not passive waiting
When fishing you need to attract fish with baits and lure them to bite. If you sit there with an empty and motionless hook, chances are that you will not get many bites. Non-action is a reason why some women are not invited to dance in the milongas. Men, like fish, are attracted to live baits. They do not reach out without incentives. This is so especially because 54.1% of men are introverts compare to 47.5% of women are introverts in the US, according to a study by the Myers-Briggs organization. If you sit there passively waiting for men to come, chances are that you will sit there for a long time (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

2. Observing men's behavior
Passive women are not actively engaged in the invitation process. They don't pay attention to how men act, which of them might be their potential partners, where these men sit, how they invite women to dance, whether they are reserved or outgoing, whether they use cabeceo or verbal invitation, etc. They just sit there chatting, browsing phones and waiting for someone to invite them. In contrast, proactive women are first and foremost good observers, who pay attention to men, observe their behaviors, identify prospective matches, locate their seats, and familiarize themselves with their invitation styles, so that they can take actions to catch their attention and be prepared for their move.

3. Bewaring of the message you send
It is important to pay attention to men not only because you need to know your partners but also because men are more responsive to women who pay attention to them. Your attention signals your interest. A man can tell who are interested in him and who are not, and he acts much more positively to those who are. If you turn a blind eye to him, that sends a different message. Beware of the message you send. A gentleman does not force his way on you, he acts according to your will.

4. Responding to men's attention
Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you, such as talking, eating, reading, browsing the phone, sitting with boyfriend, cliquing, being unchanged, wearing non-tango shoes, etc. Instead, let men see that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are observing you, and be responsive to their heed. Don't be afraid of showing your desire to dance. Many times I danced with a woman just because I passed her seat and she stood up and looked at me with a smile. Oftentimes the woman I tried to cabeceo did not get the dance because she sat there like a wooden chicken, but the woman sat next to her got because she was active and responsive.

5. Changing your attitude
Don't assume that initiating an invitation is easy for men. They also have self-esteem and can feel embarrassed or humiliated by your rejection. Many will not come back again as a result, and you don't want that. It takes courage for a man to come over and ask you to dance because he runs the risk of being rejected by you in front of others. Don't make it harder by your attitude. Instead, show your empathy and friendliness. Even if you don't want to dance at the moment, responding kindly does you no harm. You will save yourself a potential partner for later that way.

6. Being warm and friendly
Women often complain that they don't get enough dances, but how many of them look into themselves for why? I don’t know how many times women have turned a blind eye, averted their eyes, looked dismissive, or even showed disdain when I tried to approach them. If you want to be invited, the best advice I can give is being warm and friendly. Make it a habit to smile at men and let them see the passion in your eyes. I guarantee that you will get a lot more dances that way.

7. Making eye contact with men
Men often walk around in search of a partner. You might think that they walking by you to get a drink, use the bathroom, or something else that has nothing to do with you, but you'd be wrong. They are testing your reactions. If you sit there indifferently, that shows you are not interested. If you raise your head and make eye contact with them, that not only tells them you are looking for a partner, but also gives them a chance to cabeceo you. Making eye contact with men is very important because that is the way you let them know you want to dance.

8. Overcoming your pride
In the milongas of Buenos Aires when a man approaches a women's table, every woman in that table will stare at him until they find out whom he is inviting. In the US, however, women have a different attitude. They all sit there wearing a blank face and ignore the man until he has to verbally ask one to dance. Brought up in a culture that teaches women to respect themselves, to keep a distance from men, to avoid intimacy, to not give men ideas, to let men chase you and not submit yourself too easily, this attitude is understandable. But if you act like a newbie in the milonga, your chance being invited is slim. Women, especially young women, should not confuse tango with courtship. What the world taught you does not work in the milongas, where men approach you to dance with you, not to steal your heart. In the milongas you need to learn from little children who are pure in heart and can easily get along with anyone.

9. Expanding you horizons
A woman may reject a man because she thinks he is not a suitable dance partner for her. Women who hold this bias tend to only dance with men they know well. However, this is a big world. If you spend money attending an event where a large group of dancers from different places gather, it would be wise to take advantage of the opportunity to dance with as many men you don't know as possible. The assumption that someone is not good enough for you is often wrong. Most people seek partner among peers. If you are good and he wants to dance with you, he likely is not too bad either despite his humble appearance. By expanding your horizons, you will experience, learn and enjoy the dance much more.

10. Using cabeceo
Women in this country spend more time on dress than on cabeceo. While dress works to some degree, you will be more successful if you combine that with cabeceo. Cherie Magnus calls cabeceo one of "the most civilized customs" in the milonga (see Women's role in Cabeceo), which I agree. Women must learn this skill because this is the way, and often the only way, sophisticated tangueros use to invite a woman. An experienced tanguero does not oblige you to dance. He looks at you from across the room, or walks to where you can see him and gazes at you. If you exchange eye contact with him, he will nod at you to invite you. If you sit there like a dummy, that shows you are unworthy of his time and he will turn to a more experienced woman. Only novice men will force their way to your seat and ask you to dance. By using cabeceo, you not only get more dances, but better dances as well.

11. Taking initiative
Dancing with someone better than you can be rewarding, but you need to be brave and take the initiative because chances are that he will not ask. Most experienced tangueros use cabeceo to invite a woman, which will not work if you avoid their eyes. You should not let the thought that you are not good enough to intimidate you. Schopenhauer said, "Man is either vulgar or lonely." The more refined he is, the lonelier he becomes, and he will be happy to dance with you if you are willing. Don't be timid because of your lack of experience. A good dancer knows how to dance with anyone because tango to him is not a show but an expression of love (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). You will be glad that you made the eye contact with him.

12. Staring at him longer
Some women do make eye contact with men, but they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. Women often think that a subtle cue, such as a quick glance, or moving closer, is enough to call a man's attention. However, that's not how men think. A man needs to see you eye-to-eye for a few seconds to make sure you want to dance with him before he makes a move. If you avoid eye contact, or avert your eyes too quickly, he'll take that as a rejection. If you want to dance with a man, you need to fix your eyes at him. Only if he doesn't act after ten seconds or more should you then turn your eyes away (see Tango Etiquette: Talking, Eye Contact, Clique and Hierarchy).

13. Being humble and moderate
In a performance you need to be as striking as you can, but in social dancing you should follow the doctrine of the mean (see Social Tango and Performance Tango). Our culture encourages individuality and creativity, which is fine if you only need one man to appreciate your uniqueness. In the milongas, however, you want to get as many invitations as possible. Most men are ordinary folks. If your style is too unconventional, if your skills are too above average, if your dress is too exotic, if you are too fancy and showy, most men will find that intimidating. The emphasis of social tango is the communication of feelings, not the display of styles. A social dancer must balance being yourself and meeting the tastes of most people. Good dance skills do not have to be showy.

14. Being a woman
Men are attracted to women who are feminine, not women who are masculine or gender-neutral. If you cut your hair like a man, dress like a man, like to lead, like to dance with women, or wear flat shoes, your chance being invited by men will be limited. Some women think it's cool to imitate men. While there may be few guys who like that, most men don't. That's just the nature of being men. If you believe you don't have to respect that, that's your choice. But if you want to dance with men, then you must assume the feminine role in the partnership. Tango is not a showcase for individualism and feminism (see Femininity and Feminism (I)).

15. Improving yourself
Not getting enough invitations is one of the most expressed frustrations among women. While men may be a part to blame (see The Age Prejudice in Tango), I believe women have issues to address also. We all need to acknowledge that our cultural heritage such as liberalism, individualism, feminism, independence, and the focus on the self, contributed to the problem (see Tango and Individualism). Unless we've learned to accept, respect, love and cooperate with each other and developed a culture in our milongas that is different from the culture of the world, we are not able to fully enjoy tango. That's a challenge we as non-Argentinians all have to face.

Artistic Sublimation and Vulgarism in Tango

Humans have the unique ability to identify the common nature or essence of things and set aside individual and non-essential properties to form transcendental concepts. For example, in human thought, the word "woman" refers not to a specific female individual but to an abstract idea. As Carlos Gavito expressed it, "She's a dream of something I want in real life, but that ideal does not have a face." Abstract thinking is one of the qualities that distinguishes humans from animals. While it can lead to generalized biases such as racism, it is also the foundation of art. Beauty, after all, is an abstract concept. By taking the shared attributes of all women, we construct the image of a goddess—perfect in face, figure, curves, hips, legs, softness, flexibility, character, temperament, intelligence, sexuality, fertility, and more—an ideal lover, companion, partner, friend, wife, and mother of human offspring (see The Conceptional Beauty of Tango).

In fact, desirable traits are often emphasized. Statues of women typically exaggerate curves, with fuller breasts, narrower waists, wider hips, and longer legs. This form of abstraction is present in nearly all artistic expressions. Even in the Bible, we find verses like: "Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle" (Song of Songs 7:3) and "How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of a palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit" (Song of Songs 7:6-7). The woman herself echoes this sentiment: "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment" (Song of Songs 8:10).

Tango, as an art form, aligns with the holy words, which elevate our shared humanity rather than diminish it. A culture that distinguishes decent humanity from vulgarity and upholds the former, I believe, is more civilized than one that equates the two and condemns both. Innocent intimacy between the sexes is human, moral, and beautiful. This idea has been embraced by the public, as evidenced by tango's enduring popularity around the world. Tango women should understand that using their femininity to attract, please, and bring contentment to their male partners is part of their role in tango (see Close Embrace and Open Embrace (I)).

The same principle applies to men. As Perri Lezzoni wrote in his essay A Little Machismo Goes a Long Way: "One of the most difficult things leaders have to learn is how to put some machismo into the tango connection. The tiniest amount will do but exuding it without offense is not easy. It is the most important spice in the stew; without it there are no women and without women there is no tango... Machismo is the expression of a person’s inner warrior and it is not solely manufactured by men. It is the fighter inside of us that the follower finds so alluring."

Men must understand that what makes us attractive to women lies in the essence of our manhood, masculinity, and machismo—not political correctness. Women naturally desire to rely on our broad shoulders, melt in our strong arms, feel our muscles, admire our strength, and enjoy our protection. It is in their nature to seduce us, capture our attention, awaken our desire for them, and ultimately submit, surrender, and follow our lead. Harnessing our masculinity to support, protect, lead, comfort, and bring contentment to them is an essential aspect of our role in tango (see The Gender Expression in Tango).

The innocent intimacy and playfulness of tango celebrate our shared humanity, fulfilling the innate human desire for connection, quenching our thirst for affinity and affection, and strengthening the bond between the sexes. Despite criticisms that tango is a politically incorrect dance by those who advocate for a "sanitized version" featuring open embrace and gender neutrality, their claim that tango promotes gender inequality and sexual harassment contradicts reality. Tango dancers worldwide can attest that, although intimate, tango is not sexual. Like ballet, figure skating, and other similar art forms, tango represents an artistic sublimation. Instead of blaming tango, they should get to know the dance first. They should understand that good manners are paramount in tango. No one will dance with you if you show disrespect to others. Thus, the "sanitized version" is superfluous. (See Tango and Gender Interdependence.)

Tango and the Outlook on Life

One

Two FB friends, Oliver and Tony, are both great tango dancers. One left Buenos Aires to teach tango in the US, while the other left the US and moved to Buenos Aires to dance tango. They exchanged the following thoughts on the life of milongueros.

Oliver: "There is a big, big fantasy in many people's minds about the life of the milonguero. Many are in love with the fantasy of emulating this life, but maybe they don’t actually know what a milonguero is or what kind of life led them to this status. They didn't plan this life; it just evolved through their passion and their choices.

Imagine yourself as a 20-year-old going to the disco every night, hanging out with friends, trying to get that girl or boy you like, not caring much about getting a job, avoiding responsibility. Before you realize it, time has passed. You are no longer in your 20s but in your 30s, 40s, or even 50s - and still going to the disco every night. During these 30 years, you had to do something besides dancing. Maybe some of you chose to live with your parents (if they weren’t smart enough to kick you out), others took mundane day jobs or simple afternoon shifts just to earn enough to sustain the disco lifestyle. Some may have even considered other 'special jobs' - dangerous ones, quick money. There wasn’t always food on the table, and life wasn’t always simple. Promoters of the disco world saw opportunities to exploit these fanatics by offering more and more hours during which they could lose themselves in this dance. While others studied or built careers, putting their love of dance in perspective, you were - and are still - dancing or hanging out in this world.

When you reach 70, you've lived the life you chose. You didn’t plan to become a 'milonguero' - or, in this case, a 'discoero' - it just happened because of your choices. You simply lived! Had you known the outcome, would you have done the same?

There’s a fascination with milongueros in Buenos Aires. Unfortunately, time is the enemy, and most are now resting in peace. Looking back, the question for those who worship them is: would you actually choose to live the life they did? It's like being fascinated by the mafia world - would you actually kill someone or handle situations where talking is no longer an option? You can't be a tough guy without being tough. I heard someone say, 'I am living the life of a milonguero in Buenos Aires. I know the rules of the milongas, I know where people sit, and the icons of tango say hello to me.' But this is just the packaging, my friends, not the reality.

A milonguero is someone who spent their life at the milongas - dancing, chatting, hanging out, or just passing time. Some people have the sensitivity to see the milonguero as a result of life choices rather than a plan to become one. I’m not sure that every milonguero-wanna-be could make that transition consciously and pursue that status for the future."

Tony: "While I appreciate the metaphor - and even more, the American tendency to inappropriately romanticize the life of the milonguero - I ask that you consider an alternative scenario.

Imagine you don’t have the opportunities we have in the US… that your government is in flux and frequently reorganized by the military… that friends of yours regularly disappear, never to be seen again… that your economy periodically collapses and inflation is cyclical… that catering to tourists is your best economic opportunity… and that you both like tango and have the natural skill to support yourself through it.

Imagine that, over your lifetime, the safest and most reliable place in your world was the milongas.

How many American businessmen lie in a hospital bed after a heart attack, look around, and ask themselves, 'How did I end up spending my life this way? Working too many hours… my loved one is a stranger, if we’re not already divorced… I missed my children growing up because I worked too much… I spent my life, not with friends, but pursuing “financial security,” and in the end, I ended up here.'

Oliver, one thing we completely agree on: 'They didn't plan this life; it just evolved through their passion and their choices.' And with those choices, we must ultimately accept responsibility for the outcomes."

Two

While opinions differ on whether the life of milongueros is worth living, both perspectives are rooted in factual observations. This raises profound questions: How should we live? What defines a good life? Why are certain lifestyles seen as enviable, while others are not? And would public perception shift if dancing tango could lead to wealth?

From an early age, we are taught to study hard, work hard, and strive for wealth and success. This conditioning drives many to make the pursuit of wealth their primary ambition, employing every conceivable method to accumulate money. Simultaneously, the market bombards us with increasingly luxurious offerings, molding us into sophisticated materialists. We label this relentless drive "the pursuit of happiness" and tie it to Protestant ethics, crafting theories like capitalism, private ownership, individual rights, and economic freedom to justify our greed. Yet, no matter how we rationalize it, the sobering reality is that many of the world's modern problems—such as intense competition, chronic stress, predatory practices, monopolies, gun violence, doping, human trafficking, wealth disparity, political corruption, environmental degradation, and economic inequality—stem from this unrestrained pursuit of wealth (see Mammonism).

Any reasonable observer can recognize that an unchecked obsession with wealth is unsustainable. Earth's finite resources cannot support extravagant lifestyles for eight billion people. These natural gifts, meant for all, should be used judiciously, prudently, and equitably—not exploited for personal luxury or wealth at the expense of the environment and future generations. The notion that resources exist solely for individual gain contradicts the principle of human equality, which we profess to hold as self-evident.

A truly civilized society should champion values such as thrift, simplicity, equality, sharing, and cooperation, rather than luxury, greed, competition, and monopolization. It should discourage the accumulation of unlimited wealth by a few and instead cultivate a balanced outlook on life—not the so-called "philosophy of success." Such a society would foster small, diversified economic systems that promote both environmental sustainability and social equity, rather than enabling corporations to become so dominant that others cannot compete. It would provide everyone with a fair platform to collaborate toward shared goals, rather than allowing a privileged few to profit at the expense of the majority. Moreover, it would reform democratic systems to prevent the undue influence of money on policymaking, rather than deregulating political contributions to favor special interests.

Three

Recently, a story with deep meaning circulated online: An American businessman sat on a pier in a Mexican fishing village, watching a fisherman pull his boat ashore, carrying several large tunas. After complimenting the fisherman, the American asked, "How long did it take to catch these?" The Mexican replied, "About an hour." The American asked, "Why not catch more?" The Mexican responded, "These are enough for today." The American asked, "What do you do with the rest of your day?" The Mexican replied, "I sleep until I naturally wake up, then I fish for a little. When I return I play with my kids. After lunch I take a nap with my wife, and in the evening I go to the wine shop to drink and play guitar with my buddies. My life is busy and fulfilling." The American said, "I have an MBA from Harvard. Let me give you some advice. If you work more hours each day, soon you could buy a bigger boat, then more boats, and hire people. Then you could open a processing plant and eventually expand to Mexico City, Los Angeles and New York City. This way you could make a fortune." The Mexican asked, "How long will that all take?" The American answered, "Fifteen to twenty years." The Mexican asked, "What happens after that?" The American answered, "Then you can retire, sleep until you naturally wake up, go catch some fish, take a nap at noon, and have fun in the evening." The Mexican laughed, "Isn’t that what I’m doing now?"

This story highlights two contrasting life philosophies. Whether it celebrates the American’s ambitious vision or critiques his shortsightedness, whether it rebukes the Mexican fisherman’s perceived lack of ambition or applauds his natural wisdom—the interpretation depends entirely on the reader. Some might view the fisherman as a lazy idler, lacking motivation. But is that truly the case? If his philosophy of "enough for today" were adopted universally, how would our world change? Would we experience less competition and more harmony? Would life be less stressful and more joyful? Would we see a reduction in greed, waste, corruption, and harm, replaced by simplicity, honesty, contentment, and goodwill? Wouldn’t the skies be bluer, the waters clearer, resources more abundant, and ecosystems more balanced? Wouldn’t the world be more peaceful?

In my view, the crisis of the modern world doesn’t stem from the Mexican fisherman’s simple approach to life but from the American businessman’s relentless pursuit of wealth and the materialistic concept of happiness. Tango dancers seem to understand this wisdom. They embrace a lifestyle centered on connection, affinity, and harmony, rather than material gain. Many even follow in the footsteps of the milongueros. I know several individuals who left lucrative careers behind to move to Buenos Aires and immerse themselves in tango. Their choices suggest that while money may be necessary for happiness, it is far from sufficient. True happiness lies in the contentment of the soul.

This wisdom is not new. Throughout history, great thinkers and simple souls alike have embraced the value of a simple life. Lao Tzu and Chuang Tzu championed simplicity, detachment from worldly success, and a return to nature. Tao Yuanming left a government position to find peace in rural life. When asked about the ideal home, Pittacus of Mytilene famously replied, "It has neither luxury nor lack of necessity." Even Forrest Gump reflected, "There’s only so much fortune a man really needs, and the rest is just for showing off." Yu Juan echoed this sentiment: "Being with the ones you love makes even a humble home feel warm." These individuals, like the milongueros and the Mexican fisherman, preserved the essence of humanity, refusing to become slaves to wealth.

I believe the world needs more people like them. Our planet simply cannot withstand the devastation of materialism any longer (see The World Needs a New Philosophy).

Activity and Passivity in Tango

If faced with the dilemma of marrying someone who loves you or someone you love, which would you choose? Most women would likely opt for the former, as a sense of security is deeply ingrained in the female psyche. As Eileen Chang once said, for a woman, love means being loved—a safety net for herself and her children. Conversely, most men would choose to marry the woman they love, as they are raised to be providers and protectors. This dynamic often works to a man's advantage, as an active giver is more likely to win the love he desires, whereas a passive receiver risks losing everything. Unfortunately, those who marry for security without contributing to the relationship often meet this fate.

During courtship, it may be wise for a woman to hold back initially, ensuring a man is worthy before fully committing. However, remaining passive indefinitely can be detrimental to a relationship. Women should not fall into the misconception that men are always seeking to take advantage of them. Such beliefs can lead to a transactional approach to relationships—where a woman demands more than she offers, suppresses her initiative, or relies solely on her beauty to secure what she believes she deserves.

This passive attitude is sometimes reflected in tango. Some women sit idly, uninterested in men, greeting invitations with indifference or even disdain. On the dance floor, they keep their distance—using an open dance hold instead of embracing, propping their arms against their partner, or leaning back to maintain space. They avoid emotional engagement, focusing solely on the steps and neglect their duty to bring contentment to their partner. At the same time, they expect their partner to fully satisfy them.

A woman should understand that when she accepts an invitation to tango, she is not agreeing to dance alone but to enter into a shared experience. Just like in a relationship, mutual satisfaction depends on joint effort. Both partners must support, comfort, complement, and be there for each other. Tango should not be treated like courtship, where one person withholds; rather, it should be seen as a marriage—an equal partnership that thrives on cooperation. Contrary to modern ideologies that emphasize individuality, independence, and self-interest, tango focuses on unity, sharing, cooperation, and harmony. To tango is not to demand and take but to contribute and give. (See Tango Is a Relationship.)

A woman's passivity often stems from an instinct for self-preservation, while men, as natural hunters, take pride in pursuit, conquest, and protection. Research on mice suggests that the same area of the brain governs both sexuality and aggression. When stimulated, it triggers sexual urges, and when further intensified, it leads to violent behavior. This implies that men's empathy and self-control are cultivated rather than innate. Meanwhile, women must actively counter their passivity and engage more fully in relationships—not just as romantic partners but in all aspects of life, including tango, which demands cooperation. A good tango dancer, like a good partner in life, strives to bring fulfillment to the other (see A Dance that Teaches People to Love).

The women in the videos below embody this spirit. Their ability to let go and fully immerse themselves in the dance makes their performances captivating and contagious, inspiring passion and creativity in their partners.

The Gender Roles in Tango

In tango, each partner assumes a distinct role associated with their gender. These roles are disrupted, for instance, when the woman refuses to surrender, leans back to create distance from her partner, resists him through disobedience, neglects her responsibility to ensure his comfort, interferes with his lead, or initiates her own movements. Likewise, a man deviates from his role when he fails to protect his partner, coerces her with force, prioritizes steps over musicality, or places his own display above hers. Unfortunately, such behaviors are all too common in our tango.

One reason for this is that we do not teach gender roles. Unlike in Argentina, where the terms "men" and "women" are used in tango instruction, in this country we rely on the generic terms "leaders" and "followers," and we allow either gender to adopt either role with absolutely no understanding of what that role entails or how to embody it. While this approach may appear politically correct, it does not provide students with an understanding of the roles they are performing. We focus exclusively on the mechanics of the dance, neglecting to prepare students to embody masculinity or femininity, to function as men or women, and to be attractive to the opposite sex. This absence of gender expression, flirtation, seduction, intimacy, and emotional interaction leaves our tango devoid of these essential qualities, resulting in a gender-neutral dance.

However, in Argentina, where men exhibit pronounced masculinity and women embrace distinct femininity, tango stands as the antithesis of a gender-neutral play. Argentine tango is a passionate and elaborate celebration of masculinity and femininity. It amplifies, rather than diminishes, the differences between the sexes. By fostering intimate physical and emotional interactions, it fulfills the innate human desire for connection between opposites. This dance is soulful, sensual, and irresistibly seductive.

Despite the current trend in the US to challenge traditional gender roles, one fact remains unchanged: no one can truly excel against their nature. A woman's natural physical attributes—such as being shorter, lighter, softer, and more delicate—make it inherently challenging for her to fully embody the role of the leader. She cannot achieve the strength and reliability required of a leader, nor fulfill the role of a man toward a woman, regardless of her technical knowledge of leading. Conversely, a man's taller, heavier, and more robust physique makes it difficult for him to embrace the follower's role. He cannot attain the lightness and flexibility required of a follower, nor fulfill the role of a woman toward a man, regardless of his technical knowledge of following (see Tango and Gender Interdependence). Tango is not merely about leading and following; it is a delicate interplay between the masculine and the feminine. Without these inherent qualities, tango loses its beauty, charm, richness, and depth.

So, what are the roles of men and women in tango, and how different are these roles?

Men are generally taller, heavier, stronger, and physically more reliable than women. Furthermore, men possess a psychological disposition shaped by millions of years of human evolution through natural selection. This includes tendencies to take initiative, subdue, conquer, exert control, and protect loved ones. As a result, men naturally adopt the masculine role in tango, as they do in life. The following are some of the functions associated with the male role in tango.

1. Leading the woman. For the couple to dance in unison and harmony, their movements must align. To achieve this, only one partner can lead while the other must follow. In tango, the man leads the woman. He does so not through force, but by conveying his intention through his torso of how he wants her to move, which she in his embrace can feel. He then matches her response to complete the lead.

2. Plotting the dance. In tango, the man takes on a more strategic role, while the woman adopts a more tactical one. The man navigates the dance floor, while the woman dnces around him (see Dancing around the Man). Though the woman enhances the dance with her graceful movements and intricate footwork, she does not determine the choreography and direction. That responsibility falls to the man, who must make the dance well-structured and captivating to allow the woman's feminine beauty to shine to its fullest.

3. Supporting her. In tango, a woman's delicacy and dependence are complemented and fulfilled by a man's strength, which is one of the reasons why tango attracts women. Although she is responsible for her own balance and stability, in practice, she often relies on his help. The man must serve as her pillar, providing support with his body to maintain her stability throughout the dance. He must be as steady as a refrigerator, as any instability on his part will undermine her trust and disrupt her performance.

4. Leading her to dance to the music. A man's musicality is the most crucial element in leading. He must dance the music, not merely the steps. His role is to stir her emotions and help her resonate with the music. He should avoid focusing solely on the steps at the expense of the music or prioritizing his own timing over hers. Instead, he should focus on timing her movements, even if it occasionally means he is slightly offbeat himself. This is because he dances for her. His ultimate goal is to ensure she fully enjoys both the music and the dance.

5. Shining her. A gentleman ensures that the woman shines in his company. He leads her in a way that fully highlights her feminine beauty (see Revealing Her Beauty in Tango). He makes her, not himself, the center of attention. He refrains from showcasing his skills for self-glorification and leaving her overshadowed (see Partner-Centered Leading vs. Self-Centered Leadingd).

6. Protecting her. A gentleman takes his protective role seriously. He respects the line of dance, adheres to navigation rules, maintains a proper distance from other dancers, halts when necessary and does not run into people. He ensures his partner is not bumped, kicked, or stepped on by others. Additionally, he refrains from leading steps that could cause harm to her or others (see Spot Dancing in Tango).

7. Pampering her. It is not manly to be rude or rough with women. A gentleman treats his partner with respect, appreciation, and attentiveness. He holds her tenderly, as if cradling a baby in his arms. He leads her gently, carefully, patiently, and protectively. His aim is to make her feel cherished in his embrace, allowing her to fully enjoy the dance with him (see Men's Common Mistakes in Tango).

In contrast, women typically lack the physical build and strength of men, characterized by a smaller stature, lighter weight, and softer, more flexible features often associated with beauty and delicacy. Women's psychology also differs from men's due to their reproductive and nurturing nature, fostering desires for beauty (to attract a mate), affection, protection, and security—traits shaped by millions of years of natural selection also. As a result, women naturally assume the feminine role in tango, as they do in life. The following are some of the functions associated with the female role in tango.

1. Complete surrender. The woman must entrust herself to the man. She must let go of her ego, relax her body, be obedient, and move in harmony with him. Through her surrender, she dispels his misgiving and grants him permission to be her leader. Just as the birth of a child transforms young parents into adults, she makes him a man by being a woman (see Tango and Trust).

2. Following his lead. She must remain calm and unhurried, waiting for his signal to guide her movements and following the lead one step at a time. She must not act independently, initiate steps, or disrupt his lead. However, while being obedient, she must actively engage in the dance. Following is not passive; it is a dynamic action requiring wit, ingenuity, and creativity (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

3. Being light and agile. She must make herself light and easy to lead, avoiding placing excessive weight on the man and becoming a burden. She must maintain her own balance without grabbing or hanging onto him for stability. She should not resist his lead, assert herself, or struggle against him. Instead, she must remain sensitive, agreeable, and responsive to his lead at all times, moving with agility (see Issues on Balance and Lightness in Dance).

4. Dancing to music. Women, in general, are more intuitive, which enables them to focus on the music rather than solely on the lead. While the man leads the woman to dance to the music, his interpretation may not always perfectly capture its essence. For two partners to dance as one in sync with the music, the woman must also contribute her expression of the music. A skilled follower can interpret the music creatively while remaining in perfect agreement and harmony with the man.

5. Complementing the man. As his partner, she must work closely with him, highlight his strengths, and compensate for his weaknesses. She inspires him with her femininity and dances in a manner that is light, uplifting, and infectious. She supports him when he loses balance, helps maintain the beat if he falls off timing, slows him down if he rushes, and alerts him if he is about to collide with someone. Her role is essential in preserving the coherence and integrity of the dance.

6. Beautifying the dance. A woman's slender, light, soft, and flexible body makes her a natural decorator in tango. While the man leads the dance, it is the woman who enhances it with her elegant posture, graceful movements, dexterous footwork, and colorful embellishments. A skilled follower, however, does not disrupt the lead. She maintains unity and harmony with the man while adding beauty to the dance.

7. Being a woman. The woman must dance as a woman, not as an impassive robot. She must dance with passion and emotion. She should make the man feel comfortable holding her in his arms and enjoy her presence. She must willingly display her softness, gentleness, affection, and allure. She understands that her femininity and charm are the reasons he enjoys dancing with her rather than with a man. By embracing her role as a woman, she can bring out the best in a man and, in turn, be richly rewarded.

In conclusion, gender roles play a vital role in tango and should not be dismissed. The distinctions between masculine and feminine roles reflect the biological, psychological, and emotional differences between the sexes. This duality enhances the beauty, charm, richness, and depth of tango. Attempts to neutralize or reverse these roles, although professedly politically correct, violate human nature and undermine the essence and value of tango. To keep tango alive, we must embrace and teach gender roles that are embedded in the nature of this dance (see The Gender Expression in Tango).