The Age Prejudice in Tango

A few years ago, a friend of mine made a comment in a personal email after she read one of my blog articles. Although I've kept the content private out of respect for her concerns at the time, I think it’s now appropriate to “declassify” it. My last post, How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas, generated a call for discussion on the men’s role in the issue, which is exactly what her comment addresses. Here is her comment:

“I read your blog article with interest and agree with everything you say, but I'd like to comment on one aspect of behavior related to tango that you didn’t mention. I'm making this comment privately rather than publicly because, from bitter experience, I know how annoyed it makes men to hear what I think on this subject. It has to do with men’s attitudes at milongas regarding whom they choose to dance with—and men in Argentina are even worse than men in America about this.

Most men feel entitled to dance only with women they are personally attracted to and who, they think, will enhance their image. I can understand not wanting to dance with women who are poor dancers or unpleasant people, but this is seldom the case. Men tend to ignore women who aren’t sufficiently attractive or young, even if they are good dancers and even if they have friendly relationships with them. Women can sit out tanda after tanda, surrounded by men they know who otherwise treat them kindly, but who will ask every other woman around to dance while ignoring those they deem undesirable as romantic prospects or status symbols on the dance floor.

When this subject is broached, men often get very angry, or if a woman shows her disappointment while sitting alone, they resent the implication that they owe anyone anything or that they’ve failed in courtesy or generosity. Then they blame the women, calling them bad sports or accusing them of unfair demands. We're all taught that milongas are social gatherings, and the idea of the tango community is emphasized. Yet, while most women will dance with men they don’t particularly enjoy dancing with to be civil and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, almost no men will go out of their way to help a woman enjoy herself at a milonga unless they personally want to dance with her. I think that the integrity and social concern you rightly address should include more compassion in partner choice.

At every milonga I've ever attended, I see women suffering silently as they sit unasked among friends and acquaintances, not to mention strangers, while young, attractive beginners are asked constantly. My own gray hair has put me in this position all too often, and in Buenos Aires, I was even told that if I wanted men to dance with me, I should dye my hair or wear a wig because men don’t want to be associated with aging women on the dance floor. This chronic macho selfishness is tango’s biggest drawback for women, and it’s a deep source of sorrow for more women than you might imagine.”

I have to admit I felt guilty as I read her comment, realizing that until then, I’d never seriously considered how deeply some women are affected by the way they’re treated by men, myself included. Though many see the milonga as a refuge, it’s often a bittersweet place where men and women come together to tango, yet our enjoyment of the dance is too often hampered by our own prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness.

I can’t argue with human nature. Men are attracted to young, beautiful, and sexy women, just as women are drawn to young, handsome, and attractive men; and we all tango for pleasure. However, we shouldn’t let this natural inclination mislead us. A tango partner is not a life partner. Whether they are young, pretty, or fertile is irrelevant. What matters is their knowledge, understanding, musicality, taste, skills, and maturity as a tango dancer. These qualities take years, even decades, of diligent study, practice, and education to cultivate. Tango is an adult dance. Most people begin dancing only after establishing a career or raising a family. By the time they truly get it, they are no longer young. That’s why milongueros and milongueras are generally older people, yet they’re regarded as status symbols in the milongas of Buenos Aires. Young Argentineans consider it an honor to dance with them, and dancers from all over the world come to Buenos Aires to do the same.

In the U.S., the first and second generations of tango dancers are also reaching their senior age, as the revival of tango that began in 1983 is more than 30 years old. But unlike in Argentina, here senior dancers often face ageism. At a recent event I attended, out of over a hundred participants, about a dozen older women sat mostly ignored. Under encouragement from the organizer, I decided to dance with them, and it turned out to be a wonderful experience. All these women were excellent dancers, with most having danced tango for more than ten years. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about the naivety of bias against older dancers.

I’m not suggesting that all older people are great dancers, nor do I advocate “charity” dances. But I believe that ageism in tango is unjustified, given the fact that there are a lot more experienced tangueros and tangueras among older dancers than among younger ones. It’s in our own best interest to stop judging dancers by age or confusing tango with courtship. From my experience, women in their fifties and sixties are often the finest social dancers. Men, especially younger men, shouldn’t miss the chance to dance with them. Mature women may not appear as fresh and sexy as younger ones, but their embrace, connection, musicality, communication, and coordination are often much stronger. In other words, they have attained a deeper understanding of tango through years of practice—a strength that mature dancers can fully use to serve themselves. Dancing with them, young dancers are able to gain a completely new experience and understanding of tango that they would otherwise miss out on.

How to Get More Invitations in the Milongas

1. Active Participation, Not Passive Waiting
When fishing you need to attract fish with baits and lure them to bite. If you sit there with an empty and motionless hook, chances are that you will not get many bites. Inactivity is a major reason why some women don’t receive invitations to dance in the milongas. Men, like fish, are attracted to live baits. They do not reach out without incentives. This is so especially because, according to a study by the Myers-Briggs organization, 54.1% of men in the U.S. are introverts, compared to 47.5% of women. If you sit there passively waiting for men to come, chances are that you will sit there for a long time (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

2. Observe Men's Behavior
Many women miss invitations simply because they are not actively engaged in the invitation process. They don't pay attention to how men interact, where they sit, how they invite partners, whether they are reserved or outgoing, whether they use cabeceo or verbal invitation. Instead, they chat, browse their phones, or wait idly. In contrast, proactive women are keen observers, identifying potential dance partners, understanding their invitation styles, and positioning themselves strategically to increase their chances of being invited.

3. Be Aware of the Message You Send
Men respond positively to women who show interest. If you pay attention to a man, he will notice and likely reciprocate. On the other hand, if you ignore him, it sends the opposite message. A gentleman will not force his way in—he will act according to the signals you give. Be conscious of the cues you’re sending, as they can determine whether or not you get an invitation.

4. Respond to Men's Attention
Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you, such as chatting, eating, reading, using your phone, sitting with a partner, cliquing, or being unchanged. Instead, show that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are observing you, and respond accordingly. Don't be afraid of showing your desire to dance. I’ve often danced with women simply because they looked at me warmly and invitingly, while others remained distant or indifferent.

5. Change Your Attitude
Don't assume that initiating an invitation is easy for men. They also have self-esteem and can feel embarrassed or humiliated by your harsh rejection. Many will not come back again, and you don't want that. It takes courage for a man to come over and ask you to dance because he runs the risk of being rejected by you in front of others. Don't make it harder by your attitude. Instead, show your empathy and friendliness. Even if you don’t want to dance at the moment, a kind response keeps the door open for future invitations.

6. Be Warm and Friendly
Women often complain that they aren’t getting enough dances but rarely reflect on their own demeanor. Many times, I’ve seen women avert their eyes, appear dismissive, or even show disdain when approached. The best way to attract invitations is to be warm and friendly. Make it a habit to smile at men, show enthusiasm, and let them know you want to dance. I guarantee this will dramatically increase your opportunities.

7. Make Eye Contact
Men frequently walk around scanning for potential partners. You might assume they’re heading to get a drink or use the restroom, but you'd be wrong. They are testing your reaction. If you ignore them, they’ll assume you’re not interested. If you make eye contact, however, you signal that you’re open to an invitation. Eye contact is essential—it’s how you let men know you want to dance.

8. Overcome Your Pride
In Buenos Aires, when a man approaches a table of women, all the women look at him to see who he’s inviting. In the U.S., however, women have a different attitude. They all sit there wearing a blank face and ignore the man until he explicitly asks someone. Brought up in a culture that emphasizes self-esteem, independence and reservedness, this attitude is understandable. But if you act like a newbie in the milonga, your chance being invited is slim. Women, especially young women, should not confuse tango with courtship. What the world taught you does not work in the milongas, where men approach you to dance with you, not to steal your heart. In the milongas you need to learn from little children who are pure in heart and can easily get along with anyone.

9. Expand Your Horizons
A woman may reject a man because she thinks he is not a suitable dance partner for her. Women who hold this bias tend to only dance with men they know. However, attending a large tango event is an opportunity to dance with new people. The assumption that someone is not good enough for you is often wrong. Most people seek partner among peers. If you are good and he wants to dance with you, he likely is not too bad either despite his humble appearance. By expanding your horizons, you will experience, learn and enjoy the dance much more.

10. Use Cabeceo
In this country, women often focus more on their outfits than on cabeceo. While dress works to some degree, you will be more successful if you combine that with cabeceo. Cherie Magnus called it one of "the most civilized customs" in the milonga (see Women's role in Cabeceo), which I agree. Women must learn this skill because this is the way, and often the only way, sophisticated tangueros use to invite a woman. An experienced tanguero does not oblige you to dance. He looks at you from across the room, or walks to where you can see him and gazes at you. If you exchange eye contact with him, he will nod at you to invite you. If you sit there like a dummy, that shows you are unworthy of his time and he will turn to a more experienced woman. Only novice men will force their way to your seat and ask you to dance. By using cabeceo, you not only get more dances, but better dances as well.

11. Take Initiative
Dancing with experienced tangueros can be incredibly rewarding, but you may need to take the first step. Most experienced tangueros use cabeceo to invite a woman, which will not work if you avoid eye contact. Don’t let the thought that you are not good enough to hold you back—confidence is attractive. A great dancer knows how to dance with anyone, because tango to him is not a show but an expression of love (see The Four Stages of the Tango Journey). You will be glad that you made the eye contact with him.

12. Hold Eye Contact Longer
Some women do make eye contact with men, but they make it very briefly in order not to seem like they are begging for a dance. Women often think that a subtle cue, such as a quick glance, or moving closer, is enough to call a man's attention. However, that's not how men think. Men need sustained eye contact to make sure you want to dance with them before they inviting you. If you avert your eyes too quickly, they’ll take it as rejection. You need to hold your gaze at them. Only if they don't act after a few seconds should you then turn your eyes away (see Tango Etiquette: Talking, Eye Contact, Clique and Hierarchy).

13. Be Humble and Balanced
In performances, standing out is key. In social dancing, blending in matters more. Extreme individuality—whether through unconventional styles, extravagant outfits, or overly showy movements—can be intimidating. Most men seek connection, not spectacle. Aim for a balance between being yourself and being approachable. Good dance skills do not have to be showy. Social dancing is about communication, not just skill.

14. Embrace Femininity
Men are naturally drawn to women who embrace their femininity. If you adopt a masculine style—short haircuts, androgynous clothing, leading roles, or flat shoes—you may receive fewer invitations from men. While some women see gender-neutral styles as empowering, the reality is that most men are attracted to feminine energy. If dancing with men is your goal, embracing the feminine role in tango will increase your chances of being invited. (see Femininity and Feminism (I)).

15. Improve Yourself
Not getting enough invitations is one of the most expressed frustrations among women. While men may be a part to blame (see The Age Prejudice in Tango), I believe women have issues to address also. We all need to acknowledge that our cultural heritage such as liberalism, individualism, feminism, independence, and the focus on the self, contributed to the problem (see Tango and Individualism). Unless we've learned to accept, respect, love and cooperate with each other and developed a culture in our milongas that is different from the culture of the world, we are not able to fully enjoy tango. That's a challenge we as non-Argentinians all have to face.

Artistic Sublimation and Vulgarism in Tango

Humans possess a unique ability: we can identify the common nature or essence of things, setting aside individual and non-essential properties to form transcendental concepts. For example, the word "woman" in human thought does not refer to any specific individual but to an abstract idea. As Carlos Gavito once said, "She's a dream of something I want in real life, but that ideal does not have a face." Abstract thinking—though it can give rise to generalized biases like racism—is a hallmark of humanity and the foundation of art itself. Beauty, after all, is an abstract concept. By synthesizing the shared attributes of all women, we create the image of a goddess: perfect in face, figure, curves, hips, legs, softness, flexibility, sexuality, fertility, character, temperament, intelligence, and more—an ideal lover, companion, partner, friend, wife, and mother (see The Conceptual Beauty of Tango).

In the process of abstraction, desirable traits are often emphasized. Artistic representations, such as statues, typically exaggerate features like fuller breasts, narrower waists, wider hips, and longer legs. This tradition spans across artistic expressions. Even the Bible captures such abstraction in verses like: "Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle" (Song of Songs 7:3) and "How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of a palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit" (Song of Songs 7:6–7). The woman herself echoes this imagery: "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment" (Song of Songs 8:10).

Tango, as an art form, aligns with these exalted expressions. It elevates our shared humanity rather than diminishing it. A culture that distinguishes between decency and vulgarity—and honors the former—is, in my view, more civilized than one that conflates the two and condemns both. Innocent intimacy between the sexes is human, moral, and beautiful. This sentiment resonates worldwide, as seen in tango’s enduring popularity. Humanity has matured to a point where we can distinguish between healthy intimacy and obscenity. Tango women should understand that embracing their femininity—to attract, please, and bring contentment to their partners—is an essential part of their role in tango (see Close Embrace and Open Embrace (I)).

The same principle applies to men. As Perri Lezzoni notes in A Little Machismo Goes a Long Way: "One of the most difficult things leaders have to learn is how to put some machismo into the tango connection. The tiniest amount will do, but exuding it without offense is not easy. It is the most important spice in the stew; without it there are no women, and without women there is no tango... Machismo is the expression of a person’s inner warrior, and it is not solely manufactured by men. It is the fighter inside of us that the follower finds so alluring."

Men must recognize that what makes them attractive to women lies in the essence of their manhood, masculinity, and machismo—not in political correctness. Women naturally want to rely on our broad shoulders, melt into our strong arms, feel the strength of our muscles, admire our vitality, and enjoy our protection. It is in their nature to seduce us, capture our attention, awaken our desire, and ultimately surrender and follow. Harnessing our masculinity to support, protect, lead, comfort, and bring contentment to women is fundamental to the male role in tango (see Gender Expression in Tango).

The innocent intimacy and playful connection of tango celebrate our shared humanity. They fulfill the deep human yearning for closeness, quench our thirst for affection, and strengthen the bond between the sexes. While some critics argue for a "sanitized version" of tango—favoring open embraces and gender neutrality—and claim that tango promotes gender inequality or sexual harassment, such accusations misrepresent reality. Tango dancers around the world can attest: although deeply intimate, tango is not sexual. Like ballet, figure skating, and other performing arts, tango represents an artistic sublimation.

Rather than blaming tango, critics should first seek to understand it. They should recognize that good manners are paramount in the tango community. No one will dance with someone who shows disrespect. Thus, the push for a "sanitized version" of tango is not only unnecessary—it betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of the dance’s true spirit (see Tango and Gender Equality).

Tango and the Outlook on Life

One

Two FB friends, Oliver and Tony, are both great tango dancers. One left Buenos Aires to teach tango in the US, while the other left the US and moved to Buenos Aires to dance tango. They exchanged the following thoughts on the life of milongueros.

Oliver: "There is a big, big fantasy in many people's minds about the life of the milonguero. Many are in love with the fantasy of emulating this life, but maybe they don’t actually know what a milonguero is or what kind of life led them to this status. They didn't plan this life; it just evolved through their passion and their choices.

Imagine yourself as a 20-year-old going to the disco every night, hanging out with friends, trying to get that girl or boy you like, not caring much about getting a job, avoiding responsibility. Before you realize it, time has passed. You are no longer in your 20s but in your 30s, 40s, or even 50s - and still going to the disco every night. During these 30 years, you had to do something besides dancing. Maybe some of you chose to live with your parents (if they weren’t smart enough to kick you out), others took mundane day jobs or simple afternoon shifts just to earn enough to sustain the disco lifestyle. Some may have even considered other 'special jobs' - dangerous ones, quick money. There wasn’t always food on the table, and life wasn’t always simple. Promoters of the disco world saw opportunities to exploit these fanatics by offering more and more hours during which they could lose themselves in this dance. While others studied or built careers, putting their love of dance in perspective, you were - and are still - dancing or hanging out in this world.

When you reach 70, you've lived the life you chose. You didn’t plan to become a 'milonguero' - or, in this case, a 'discoero' - it just happened because of your choices. You simply lived! Had you known the outcome, would you have done the same?

There’s a fascination with milongueros in Buenos Aires. Unfortunately, time is the enemy, and most are now resting in peace. Looking back, the question for those who worship them is: would you actually choose to live the life they did? It's like being fascinated by the mafia world - would you actually kill someone or handle situations where talking is no longer an option? You can't be a tough guy without being tough. I heard someone say, 'I am living the life of a milonguero in Buenos Aires. I know the rules of the milongas, I know where people sit, and the icons of tango say hello to me.' But this is just the packaging, my friends, not the reality.

A milonguero is someone who spent their life at the milongas - dancing, chatting, hanging out, or just passing time. Some people have the sensitivity to see the milonguero as a result of life choices rather than a plan to become one. I’m not sure that every milonguero-wanna-be could make that transition consciously and pursue that status for the future."

Tony: "While I appreciate the metaphor - and even more, the American tendency to inappropriately romanticize the life of the milonguero - I ask that you consider an alternative scenario.

Imagine you don’t have the opportunities we have in the US… that your government is in flux and frequently reorganized by the military… that friends of yours regularly disappear, never to be seen again… that your economy periodically collapses and inflation is cyclical… that catering to tourists is your best economic opportunity… and that you both like tango and have the natural skill to support yourself through it.

Imagine that, over your lifetime, the safest and most reliable place in your world was the milongas.

How many American businessmen lie in a hospital bed after a heart attack, look around, and ask themselves, 'How did I end up spending my life this way? Working too many hours… my loved one is a stranger, if we’re not already divorced… I missed my children growing up because I worked too much… I spent my life, not with friends, but pursuing “financial security,” and in the end, I ended up here.'

Oliver, one thing we completely agree on: 'They didn't plan this life; it just evolved through their passion and their choices.' And with those choices, we must ultimately accept responsibility for the outcomes."

Two

While opinions vary on whether the life of a milonguero is worth living, both sides draw from factual observations. This divergence invites deeper questions: How should we live? What defines a good life? Why are certain lifestyles admired, while others are dismissed? And would public perception change if dancing tango could bring wealth?

From a young age, we’re taught to study hard, work hard, and strive for success. This cultural conditioning drives many to make financial gain their primary goal, using every possible means to accumulate money. At the same time, consumer markets bombards us with ever more luxurious products, grooming us into refined materialists. We call this chase "the pursuit of happiness," and tie it to Protestant ethics, crafting theories like capitalism, private ownership, individual rights, and economic freedom to justify our greed. But no matter how we rationalize it, the sobering reality is that many of today’s global crises—intense competition, chronic stress, exploitation, monopolies, gun violence, doping, human trafficking, wealth disparity, political corruption, environmental collapse, and economic inequality—are rooted in this unbridled pursuit of wealth (see Mammonism).

Anyone with a sense of proportion can see that an unchecked obsession with wealth is unsustainable. The planet’s finite resources cannot support the extravagant lifestyles of eight billion people. These natural gifts, meant for all, should be used wisely, fairly, and sustainably—not exploited for personal luxury at the cost of the environment and future generations. The belief that resources exist solely for individual gain contradicts the principle of human equality, which we profess to hold as self-evident.

A truly civilized society should uphold values like simplicity, thrift, equality, sharing, and cooperation—rather than luxury, greed, competition, and monopolization. It should discourage the concentration of wealth in the hands of a few, and instead promote a balanced outlook on life—not the so-called “philosophy of success.” Such a society would support small, diversified economic models that encourage both sustainability and equity. It would not allow corporations to become so dominant that others cannot compete. It would ensure that all people have a fair chance to work together toward common goals, rather than allowing a privileged few to profit at the expense of the many. And it would reform democratic systems to curb the corrosive influence of money, rather than deregulating political contributions to benefit special interests.

Three

Recently, a story with deep meaning circulated online:

An American businessman sat on a pier in a Mexican fishing village, watching a fisherman pull his boat ashore, carrying several large tunas. “How long did it take to catch these?” the American asked. “About an hour,” the fisherman replied. “Why not catch more?” “These are enough for today.” “What do you do with the rest of your day?” “I sleep until I naturally wake up, then I fish for a little. When I return I play with my kids. After lunch I take a nap with my wife, and in the evening I go to the wine shop to drink and play guitar with my buddies. My life is full.” “I have an MBA from Harvard,” the businessman said. “Let me advise you. If you fish longer each day, soon you could buy a bigger boat. With time, a fleet. Then open a processing plant, expand to Mexico City, Los Angeles, and New York. You could make a fortune!” “How long will that take?” “Fifteen to twenty years.” “And then?” “Then you could retire, sleep in, fish a little, nap after lunch, and enjoy life with your friends.” The fisherman laughed. “Isn’t that what I’m doing now?”

This story presents two competing life philosophies. Whether it celebrates the American businessman’s grand ambition or critiques his tunnel vision; whether it faults the Mexican fisherman’s lack of drive or praises his wisdom—it all depends on the reader. Some might view the fisherman as lazy or unmotivated. But is he? If his philosophy of "enough for today" were adopted universally, how would our world change? Would we see less competition and more harmony? Would life be less stressful and more joyful? Would there be lass greed, waste, corruption, harm, and more simplicity, honesty, contentment, and goodwill? Wouldn’t the skies be bluer, the waters clearer, resources more abundant, and ecosystems more balanced? Wouldn’t the world be more peaceful?

In my view, the crisis of the modern world doesn’t stem from the Mexican fisherman’s simple approach to life but from the American businessman’s relentless pursuit of more. Tango dancers seem to understand this. They embrace a lifestyle centered on connection, affinity, and harmony, rather than material gain. Many even follow in the footsteps of the milongueros. I know several individuals who left lucrative careers behind to move to Buenos Aires and immerse themselves in tango. Their choices suggest that while money may be necessary for happiness, it is far from sufficient. True happiness lies in the contentment of the soul.

This is not a new insight. Across history, great thinkers and humble souls alike have extolled the virtues of a simple life. Lao Tzu and Chuang Tzu urged detachment from worldly ambition and a return to nature. Tao Yuanming resigned from office to find peace in the countryside. When asked about the ideal home, Pittacus of Mytilene replied, “It has neither excess nor lack.” Even Forrest Gump put it simply: “There’s only so much fortune a man really needs, and the rest is just for showing off.” Yu Juan echoed the same wisdom: “Being with the ones you love makes even a humble home feel warm.” These people, like the milongueros and the Mexican fisherman, preserved something essential: the humanity we lose when we become slaves to wealth.

I believe the world needs more people like them. Our planet simply cannot withstand the devastation of materialism any longer (see The World Needs a New Philosophy).

Activity and Passivity in Tango

If faced with the dilemma of marrying someone who loves you versus someone you love, which would you choose? Most women would likely opt for the former, as a sense of security is deeply rooted in the female psyche. As Eileen Chang once said, for a woman, love often means being loved—a safeguard for herself and her children. In contrast, most men tend to marry the women they love, having been raised to see themselves as providers and protectors. This dynamic generally works in a man's favor: an active giver is more likely to win the love he desires, whereas a passive receiver risks losing everything. Sadly, those who marry for security without contributing meaningfully to the relationship often face such an outcome.

It is wise for a woman to exercise restraint during courtship, ensuring a man is truly worthy before fully committing. However, remaining passive indefinitely can damage a relationship. Women should be cautious not to fall into the belief that men are always seeking to exploit them. Such thinking can foster a transactional attitude toward relationships, where a woman suppresses her initiative, demands more than she offers, or relies solely on her beauty to secure what she feels entitled to.

This passive mindset often surfaces in tango as well. Some women sit idly, appearing disinterested, and greet invitations with indifference or even disdain. When they dance, they maintain distance—using open holds, propping their arms against their partners, or leaning back—avoiding emotional engagement and focusing mechanically on steps while neglecting their partner’s presence. Yet, at the same time, they expect their partners to provide complete satisfaction.

A woman must understand that accepting an invitation to tango is an agreement to participate in a shared experience. Tango, like any relationship, thrives on mutual effort. Both partners must support, comfort, complement, and be fully present for each other. Tango should not mirror courtship, where one person withholds affection, but marriage—a partnership built on mutual contribution and cooperation. Contrary to modern ideologies that stress independence, self-reliance, and self-interest, tango is about unity, cooperation, sharing, and harmony. To tango is not to demand and take but to contribute and give. (See Tango Is a Relationship.)

Women's passivity often stems from an instinct for self-preservation, while men, as natural hunters, take pride in pursuit, conquest, and protection. Research on mice suggests that the same brain region governs both sexuality and aggression: when moderately stimulated, it triggers sexual desire, and when further intensified, it leads to violent behavior. This finding implies that men's empathy and self-restraint are cultivated traits rather than innate ones. Women, too, must actively resist their instinct for passivity and engage more fully—not just in romance but in all aspects of partnership, including tango, which demands their wholehearted participation. I believe that the desire to engage and satisfy one's partner is one of the defining qualities of a good tango dancer (see A Dance that Teaches People to Love).

The women in the videos below embody this spirit. Their ability to let go and fully immerse themselves in the dance makes their performances captivating and contagious, inspiring passion and creativity in their partners.

The Gender Roles in Tango

In tango, each partner assumes a distinct role aligned with their gender. These roles are disrupted when a woman, for example, refuses to surrender, leans away to create distance, disobeys the lead, neglects her responsibility to ensure her partner’s comfort, interferes with his lead, or initiates movements on her own. Likewise, a man strays from his role when he fails to protect his partner, coerces her with force, prioritizes steps over musicality, or places his own display above hers. Unfortunately, such behaviors are all too common in our tango.

One reason for this is that we do not teach gender roles. Unlike in Argentina, where tango is taught using the terms “men” and “women,” with clear associations to their respective roles, in this country we use the neutral terms “leaders” and “followers,” and we allow either gender to adopt either role without a deep understanding of what the role entails or how to embody it. While this approach may seem politically correct, it does not provide students with an awareness of the roles they are performing. We focus exclusively on the mechanics, neglecting to prepare students to express their genders, to embody masculinity or femininity, and to be attractive to the opposite sex. This absence of gender expression, flirtation, seduction, intimacy, and emotional interaction results in a dance stripped of its richness—a gender-neutral version of tango.

However, in Argentina, where men embody pronounced masculinity and women exude clear femininity, tango stands as the antithesis of a gender-neutral play. Argentine tango is a passionate celebration of masculinity and femininity. It amplifies, rather than diminishes, the differences between the sexes. Through intimate physical and emotional interaction, it fulfills the innate human desire for connection between opposites. This dance is soulful, sensual, and irresistibly seductive.

Despite modern trends that challenge traditional gender roles, one truth remains: no one can truly excel against their nature. A woman’s natural attributes—such as being shorter, lighter, softer, and more delicate—make it difficult for her to embody the role of the leader. No matter how technically proficient, she cannot fully achieve the strength and reliability demanded of a leader, nor bring a woman the satisfaction that she can only get from a man. Similarly, a man’s taller, heavier, and more solid build makes it challenging for him to fully embrace the feminine role. He cannot attain the lightness and flexibility required of a follower, nor fulfill the role of a woman toward a man, regardless of his technical knowledge of following (see Tango and Gender Interdependence). Tango is not merely about leading and following; it is a delicate interplay between the masculine and the feminine. Without these inherent qualities, tango loses its richness, depth, allure, and vitality.

So, what are the roles of men and women in tango, and how different are these roles?

The Role of Men in Tango
Men are generally taller, heavier, stronger, and physically more reliable than women. Furthermore, men possess a psychological disposition shaped by millions of years of human evolution through natural selection. This includes tendencies to take initiative, subdue, conquer, exert control, and protect loved ones. As a result, men naturally adopt the masculine role in tango, as they do in life. The following are some of the functions associated with the male role in tango.

1. Leading the Woman For the couple to dance in unison and harmony, their movements must align. To achieve this, only one partner can lead while the other must follow. In tango, the man leads the woman. He does so not through force, but by conveying his intention through his torso of how he wants her to move, which she in his embrace can feel. He then matches her response to complete the lead.

2. Plotting the Dance In tango, the man takes on a more strategic role, while the woman adopts a more tactical one. The man navigates the dance floor, while the woman dnces around him (see Dancing around the Man). Though the woman enhances the dance with her graceful movements and intricate footwork, she does not determine the choreography and direction. That responsibility falls to the man, who must make the dance well-structured and captivating to allow the woman's feminine beauty to shine to its fullest.

3. Supporting Her In tango, a woman's delicacy and dependence are complemented and fulfilled by a man's strength, which is one of the reasons why tango attracts women. Although she is responsible for her own balance and stability, in practice, she often relies on his help. The man must serve as her pillar, providing support with his body to maintain her stability throughout the dance. He must be as steady as a refrigerator, as any instability on his part will undermine her trust and disrupt her performance.

4. Interpreting the Music A man's musicality is the most crucial element in leading. He must dance the music, not merely the steps. His role is to stir her emotions and help her resonate with the music. He should avoid focusing solely on the steps at the expense of the music or prioritizing his own timing over hers. Instead, he should focus on timing her movements, even this for a beginner may occasionally mean that he is slightly offbeat himself. This is because he dances for her. His ultimate goal is to ensure she fully enjoys both the music and the dance.

5. Making Her Shine A gentleman ensures that the woman shines in his company. He leads her in a way that fully highlights her feminine beauty (see Revealing Her Beauty in Tango). He makes her, not himself, the center of attention. He refrains from showcasing his skills for self-glorification and leaving her overshadowed (see Partner-Centered Leading vs. Self-Centered Leadingd).

6. Protecting Her A gentleman takes his protective role seriously. He respects the line of dance, adheres to navigation rules, maintains a proper distance from other dancers, halts when necessary and does not run into people. He ensures his partner is not bumped, kicked, or stepped on by others. Additionally, he refrains from leading steps that could cause harm to her or others (see Spot Dancing in Tango).

7. Pampering Her It is not manly to be rude or rough with women. A gentleman treats his partner with respect, appreciation, and attentiveness. He holds her tenderly, as if cradling a baby in his arms. He leads her gently, carefully, patiently, and protectively. His aim is to make her feel cherished in his embrace, allowing her to fully enjoy the dance with him (see Men's Common Mistakes in Tango).

The Role of Women in Tango
In contrast, women typically lack the physical build and strength of men, characterized by a smaller stature, lighter weight, and softer, more flexible features often associated with beauty and delicacy. Women's psychology also differs from men's due to their reproductive and nurturing nature, fostering desires for beauty (to attract a mate), affection, protection, and security—traits shaped by millions of years of natural selection also. As a result, women naturally assume the feminine role in tango, as they do in life. The following are some of the functions associated with the female role in tango.

1. Surrendering to the Man The woman must entrust herself to the man. She must let go of her ego, relax her body, be obedient, and move in harmony with him. Through her surrender, she dispels his misgiving and grants him permission to be her leader. Just as the birth of a child transforms young parents into adults, she makes him a man by being a woman (see Tango and Trust).

2. Following His Lead She must remain calm and unhurried, waiting for his signal to guide her movements and following the lead one step at a time. She must not act independently, initiate steps, or disrupt his lead. However, while being obedient, she must actively engage in the dance. Following is not passive; it is a dynamic action requiring wit, ingenuity, and creativity (see Activity and Passivity in Tango).

3. Being Light and Agile She must make herself light and easy to lead, avoiding placing excessive weight on the man and becoming a burden. She must maintain her own balance without grabbing or hanging onto him for stability. She should not resist his lead, assert herself, or struggle against him. Instead, she must remain sensitive, agreeable, and responsive to his lead at all times, moving with agility (see Issues on Balance and Lightness in Dance).

4. Dancing to the Music Women, in general, are more intuitive, which enables them to focus on the music rather than solely on following the lead. While the man leads the woman to dance to the music, his interpretation may not always perfectly capture its essence. For two partners to dance as one in sync with the music, the woman must also contribute her expression of the music. A skilled follower can interpret the music creatively while remaining in perfect agreement and harmony with the man.

5. Complementing the Man As his partner, she must work closely with him, highlight his strengths, and compensate for his weaknesses. She inspires him with her femininity and dances in a manner that is light, uplifting, and infectious. She supports him when he loses balance, helps maintain the beat if he falls off timing, slows him down if he rushes, and alerts him if he is about to collide with someone. Her role is essential in preserving the coherence and integrity of the dance.

6. Beautifying the Dance A woman's slender, light, soft, and flexible body makes her a natural decorator in tango. While the man leads the dance, it is the woman who enhances it with her elegant posture, graceful movements, dexterous footwork, and colorful embellishments. A skilled follower, however, does not disrupt the lead. She maintains unity and harmony with the man while adding beauty to the dance.

7. Embodying Her Femininity The woman must dance as a woman, not as an impassive robot. She must dance with passion and emotion. She should make the man feel comfortable holding her in his arms and enjoy her presence. She must willingly display her softness, gentleness, affection, and allure. She understands that her femininity and charm are the reasons he enjoys dancing with her rather than with a man. By embracing her role as a woman, she can bring out the best in a man and, in turn, be richly rewarded.

Conclusion
Gender roles are vital in tango and should not be dismissed. The distinctions between masculine and feminine roles reflect the biological, psychological, and emotional differences between the sexes. This duality enhances the beauty, charm, richness, and depth of tango. Attempts to neutralize or reverse these roles, although professedly politically correct, violate human nature and undermine the very essence of tango. To keep tango alive, we must embrace and teach gender roles that are embedded in the nature of this dance and give tango its timeless power (see Gender Expression in Tango).