Reflections on My New Tango Home

Since moving to this city, I've been dancing at this particular milonga for about two years. The dance floor is a rectangular space, approximately 45 feet long and 30 feet wide. Typically, 40 to 50 people come here to dance, most of them seasoned tango dancers in their 50s and 60s, with a handful of younger or less-experienced participants. The gender ratio is about 27 men to 23 women, with men have the majority disadvantage. Interestingly, a couple of women prefer to lead, and most men tend to avoid dancing with these female leaders, adding to the shortage of followers.

The women here generally know cabeceo, though a few don’t, and these ladies receive fewer invitations as a result (see Women’s Role in Cabeceo). Except for a handful, most people dance in a traditional close embrace, and dancers with different styles rarely partner up. Overall, this milonga has a dance level that’s above average and I really like that, but the sense of community could be warmer. In individualistic America, this isn’t unusual. People come here to dance, not necessarily to form deep bonds.

I dance with most of the women here regularly, though there are a few I’ve never danced with - not because I don’t want to, but because they haven’t shown any interest. My rule is simple: I only dance with women who are friendly and open to dancing with me. If someone never acknowledges me or avoids eye contact, I don’t ask them to dance. I’m not sure why these few women seem so aloof. Is it that their standards are extremely high? Is it that they only dance with their regular partners? Is it that they think inviting people to dance is men’s business? I prefer not to assume the worst because most people, I believe, are good people. The likely explanation I'd like to think of is that they are socially unconfident or lack cabeceo skills. But I have my principles, and I never lack for partners, so I still haven’t danced with them (see Tango Etiquette: Eye Contact, Talking, Clique and Hierarchy).

There’s a big tango community in this city, and this milonga, with its seasoned dancers, often attracts visitors. However, these visitors rarely stay, perhaps due to the lack of a warm enough atmosphere I mentioned earlier. I’ve checked out a few other milongas in this city, and dancers there also tend not to dance with newcomers, so I didn’t stay either. It’s a common issue, and I think there could be improvements. Some possible solutions might include asking people to greet each other before the dance starts, adding some cabeceo training, encouraging everyone to dance at least once with someone they haven’t danced with before, and maybe requiring dancers to rotate partners during the first tanda after the break. These small changes could help break the ice and foster a more welcoming environment (see Tango Is a Fellowship).

To me, a good milonga needs three essentials: an amicable atmosphere, experienced dancers, and good music. There are several DJs playing music here, mostly classic tango hits from the Golden Age. Except for a few who have unique tastes that don't always match my preferences, most DJs keep a good balance in their selections. I’m generally satisfied with the music here, though the selection quality could still improve to make this milonga even better. It’s not about novelty; it’s about choosing tracks that are great to dance to. The more classic and familiar the music, the better - this is similar to playing the piano, where well-loved pieces often resonate best with the players and the audience. I don't understand why Pugliese is rarely played here. Considering that most people here are experienced dancers, adding more Pugliese might be a nice touch (see My Two Cents on Music Selection).

Tango and Trust

Trust forms the foundation of human social life, acting as the glue that binds us together in relationships and society. Our need for trust stems from our personal limitations, vulnerabilities, and interdependence as individuals. Humans, as inherently social beings, seek trust-based connections, which enable cooperation, teamwork, and physical and emotional support. Trust fulfills not only practical needs, such as working together for survival and success, but also emotional needs, like overcoming loneliness and feeling accepted and safe. It serves as a vital mechanism for managing personal vulnerability, forming bonds, exchanging support, and maintaining social harmony. We long to trust others and to be trusted in return. Without trust, we would struggle alone, unable to cope with these fundamental aspects of the human condition.

Tango, in particular, satisfies this need for trust, which is one of the reasons for its enduring popularity. As a dance of intimacy, connection, and surrender, tango is not just about enjoyment or performance. It offers a refuge from loneliness, a space to reveal vulnerability, and an opportunity to seek comfort in another person's arms. In tango, we seek to touch and be touched, to rely on someone's shoulder, and to quench our thirst for connection and love. Dancing tango requires complete trust between partners, so that they can fully engage and immerse themselves in the experience. Tango heals psychologically by allowing us to expose our vulnerability and our inner selves. This exposure or openness requires trust. Without it, dancers cannot give themselves completely, nor can they reap the emotional and psychological rewards of the dance.

On a practical level, trust is equally essential in tango because this dance relies on close physical contact, non-verbal communication, and mutual reinforcement to execute the movements, requiring dancers to be physically and mentally attuned to each other and trust that their partner will always be there for support. If trust is lacking, dancers can become self-conscious and tense, holding back emotionally and hesitating to let go. Unfortunately, the lack of trust remains a main problem in our tango.

One key reason people struggle with tango is a broader crisis of trust that reflects deeper societal issues. The decline of trust in American society stems from factors like rampant selfishness, institutionalized corruption, economic instability, increased stress and competition, rising inequality, high inflation, commercial fraud, cybercrime, partisan strifes, ideological wars, and media-driven misinformation, etc. These forces create an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust. American culture prioritizes self-reliance, individual achievement, and personal success. People often focus more on their own needs and strategies than on moral considerations and collective well-being. This heightens tension, competition, and mistrust between individuals. As people face economic hardships, political divisions, and deceit in various aspects of life, they become wary, fearing guile, manipulation and betrayal. This pervasive lack of trust seeps into personal interactions, making it difficult to surrender to the vulnerability that tango demands. When we don’t trust, we disengage, choosing alienation and control over connection and cooperation.

Tango offers profound lessons on the importance of trust. In a world where trust is increasingly fragile, this intimate dance reminds us that human connection and cooperation are only possible when we trust each other. By embracing trust on the dance floor, we may rediscover the key to restoring it in the wider world. Confucius regarded benevolence, justice, propriety, wisdom and trust as basic human qualities. Tango, with its emphasis on trust, can serve as a powerful tool for rebuilding our faith in these qualities and in humanity. Through this dance of intimacy, connection, and surrender, we can relearn how to trust and rely on one another. Tango teaches us the joy that arises from surrendering control in the right context, reminding us that not every situation requires us to be in charge. Sometimes, perhaps more often, the most fulfilling experiences come from trusting each other and moving in harmony together.