The Art of Balancing Reliance and Lightness in Tango

At the core of tango lies the natural bond and dynamic interplay between the opposite sexes that reflect their complementary qualities.

Men embody strength, while women exude a certain fragility. These differences create unique psychological needs. A man’s strength provides a woman with a sense of security, allowing her to relax and feel safe in his companionship. Conversely, a woman’s vulnerability and dependence fulfill a man’s innate desire to support and protect. This very human interaction is what makes tango so captivating. It combines the delicacy and dependence of women with the strength and responsibility of men, creating a harmonious complement that satisfies both. Women are drawn to tango because it allows them to feel connected, supported, and pampered, fulfilling their vulnerability and dependence in a secure way. Meanwhile, men are attracted to tango because it enables them to step into a role of strength and leadership. They find satisfaction in guiding, protecting, and responding to women’s needs and being rewarded by their femininity.

However, this balance can only be achieved when both partners understand their roles and work together (see The Gender Roles in Tango). Here’s the challenge: men enjoy women's attachment and dependence on them, but if a woman relies too much on a man, he may feel she is “heavy.” Conversely, if she is too independent, the connection and intimacy break down. Thus, it is crucial to find the right balance.

1. Trust Fully, but Stay Engaged
To satisfy a man’s desire to protect and feel needed, a woman must entrust herself to him. This means letting go of control, overcoming the urge to act independently, and surrendering to his lead. This trust allows the dance to flow seamlessly. But surrendering doesn’t mean becoming passive. A woman must stay engaged and responsive, meeting his strength with her own energy.

2. The 30/70 Rule: Dependence and Independence
A good rule of thumb for women in tango is to maintain 30% dependence and 70% independence. This balance ensures that your partner feels your trust and reliance without becoming overburdened. Occasionally, you can shift toward greater dependence, but always return to this foundational balance. If you are too dependent, he may feel as though he is carrying you. If you are too independent, he may feel as though he is not trusted (see Tango and Trust).

3. Interweave Dependence and Independence
Rather than adhering to a single mode of dancing, alternate between dependence and independence. Depend on him most of the time, then show a touch of your own initiative occasionally. This dynamic interplay of connection and momentary separation keeps the dance engaging and alive.

4. Be Self-Driven, but Subtle
Here’s a key skill: learn to activate your own movements while still following his lead. Stay light on your feet, maintain your balance, and push with your standing leg to power your movements. However, don’t let your partner feel you are driving yourself. Men enjoy feeling in charge, and if they sense you’re dancing independently, they may feel unneeded. The trick is to subtly support the movements without making it obvious. Think of it as adding your own energy to his lead, enhancing the connection without overshadowing it.

5. Make Him Feel Needed and Empowered
Ultimately, the goal is to make your partner feel strong, capable, and in control without overwhelming him. Show him that you trust and depend on him, but also that you’re light and self-sufficient. When you strike this balance, the dance becomes a true partnership, with both partners contributing to its magic.

Balancing reliance and lightness is no easy feat. It is a testament to a woman’s emotional intelligence, requiring awareness, sensitivity, refinement, and sophistication. But once you master this art, your tango will transform. You will experience a deeply connected, intimate, and satisfying dance. When you find the perfect balance between strength and vulnerability, dependence and independence, your tango will become one of the most fulfilling experiences (see Tango and Gender Interdependence).

Achieving Comfortable Arm and Hand Position in Close Embrace

In close embrace, the man's left elbow and the woman's right elbow are bent at approximately 75 degrees, allowing their hands to meet at shoulder height. The natural position of their hands has the palms facing their own body centers, with thumbs on top and little fingers on the bottom. However, this positioning prevents their hands from clasping properly - they need to face each other to interlock. Initially, both partners may adjust their hand positions to accommodate one another, but during dancing, men often unconsciously revert to facing their palms inward, causing the woman's hand to twist outward uncomfortably.

To prevent this issue, the man has to keep his palm facing the woman instead of toward his body center. He can also extend his left arm outward to the left rather than keeping it raised directly in front of his left shoulder - this naturally orients his palm toward the woman. Alternatively, the partners can avoid clasping hands altogether. The woman can instead rest her four fingers lightly between his thumb and index finger, or place the lower part of her palm on his upturned palm, or let him hold the back of her hand. This eliminates any twisting or discomfort in her right hand.

The man should lead with his torso rather than relying on his arms and hands. He must keep his arms and hands completely relaxed to avoid unconsciously using them to guide movements. If the woman feels that her hand is being held too tightly, she should signal the man to adjust his grip rather than waiting until the dance is over to mention it. It’s normal for both partners to have some habits that the other finds uncomfortable. Communication is essential, and both partners should work together to adapt and accommodate each other during the dance.

Many women wrap their left arm around the right side of the man's body, not realizing that this puts pressure on his right arm, restricting its movement and making him feel heavy and uncomfortable. This positioning also shifts the woman's body to the right side of the man, reducing her sensitivity to subtle changes in his body position, which is one of the reasons women fail to do cruzada.

The right embrace is symmetrical, with the two partners face each other chest against chest, his left hand holds her right hand at shoulder height, his right arm wraps around her body from her left, and her left arm is hooked around his right shoulder or neck, so the two are perfectly aligned. This correct embrace is not only the most intimate and comfortable for both partners, it also allows the woman to feel any subtle changes in the position of the man's body, so when he walks on her right, she will naturally reposition her body with the cruzada to put her body back in alignment with him (see Why Women Fail to Do Cruzada).

Reflections on My New Tango Home

Since moving to this city, I've been dancing at this particular milonga for about two years. The dance floor is a rectangular space, approximately 45 feet long and 30 feet wide. Typically, 40 to 50 people come here to dance, most of them seasoned tango dancers in their 50s and 60s, with a handful of younger or less-experienced participants. The gender ratio is about 27 men to 23 women, with men have the majority disadvantage. Interestingly, a couple of women prefer to lead, and most men tend to avoid dancing with these female leaders, adding to the shortage of followers.

The women here generally know cabeceo, though a few don’t, and these ladies receive fewer invitations as a result (see Women’s Role in Cabeceo). Except for a handful, most people dance in a traditional close embrace, and dancers with different styles rarely partner up. Overall, this milonga has a dance level that’s above average and I really like that, but the sense of community could be warmer. In individualistic America, this isn’t unusual. People come here to dance, not necessarily to form deep bonds. In Argentina, by contrast, a group of people who dance together regularly will quickly form a close bond.

I dance with most of the women here regularly, though there are a few I’ve never danced with - not because I don’t want to, but because they haven’t shown any interest. My rule is simple: I only dance with women who are friendly and open to dancing with me. If someone never acknowledges me or avoids eye contact, I don’t ask them to dance. I’m not sure why these women seem so aloof. Is it that their standards are extremely high? Is it that they only dance with their regular partners? Is it that they think invition is men’s business? I prefer not to assume the worst because most people, I believe, are good people. The likely explanation is that they are socially inexperienced or lack cabeceo skills. But I have my principles, and I never lack for partners, so I still haven’t danced with them (see Tango Etiquette: Eye Contact, Talking, Clique and Hierarchy).

There’s a big tango community in this city, and this milonga, with its seasoned dancers, often attracts visitors. However, these visitors rarely stay, perhaps due to the lack of a warm enough atmosphere I mentioned earlier. I’ve checked out a few other milongas in this city, and dancers there also tend not to dance with newcomers, so I didn’t stay either. It’s a common issue, and I think there could be improvements. Some possible solutions might include asking people to greet each other before the dance starts, adding some cabeceo education, encouraging everyone to dance at least once with someone they haven’t danced with before, and maybe requiring dancers to rotate partners during the first tanda after the break. These small changes could help break the ice and foster a more welcoming environment (see Tango Is a Fellowship).

To me, a good milonga needs three essentials: an amicable atmosphere, experienced dancers, and good music. There are a group of DJs playing music here, mostly classic tango hits from the Golden Age. Except for a few who have unique tastes that don't always match my preferences, most DJs keep a good balance in their selections. I’m generally satisfied with the music here, though the selection quality could still improve to make this milonga even better. It’s not about novelty; it’s about choosing tracks that are great to dance to. The more classic and familiar the music, the better - this is similar to playing the piano, where well-loved pieces often resonate best with the players and the audience. I don't understand why Pugliese is rarely played here. Considering that most people here are experienced dancers, adding more Pugliese might be a nice touch (see My Two Cents on Music Selection).

Tango and Trust

Trust forms the foundation of human social life, acting as the glue that binds us together in relationships and society. Our need for trust stems from our personal limitations, vulnerabilities, and interdependence as individuals. Humans, as inherently social beings, seek trust-based connections, which enable cooperation, teamwork, and physical and emotional support. Trust fulfills not only practical needs, such as working together for survival and success, but also emotional needs, like overcoming loneliness and feeling connected and safe. It serves as a vital mechanism for managing personal vulnerability, forming bonds, exchanging support, and maintaining social harmony. We long to trust others and to be trusted in return. Without trust, we would struggle alone, unable to cope with these fundamental aspects of the human condition.

Tango, in particular, satisfies this need for trust, which is one of the reasons for its enduring popularity. As a dance of intimacy, connection, and surrender, tango is not just about enjoyment or performance. It offers a refuge from loneliness, a space to reveal vulnerability, and an opportunity to seek comfort in another person's arms. In tango, we seek to touch and be touched, to rely on someone's shoulder, and to quench our thirst for connection and love. Dancing tango requires complete trust between partners, so that they can fully engage and immerse themselves in the experience. Tango heals psychologically by allowing us to expose our vulnerability and our inner selves. This exposure or openness requires trust. Without it, dancers cannot give themselves completely, nor can they reap the emotional and psychological rewards of the dance.

On a practical level, trust is equally essential in tango because this dance relies on close physical contact, non-verbal communication, and mutual reinforcement to execute the movements, requiring dancers to be physically and mentally attuned to each other and trust that their partner will always be there for support. If trust is lacking, dancers can become self-conscious and tense, holding back emotionally and hesitating to let go. Unfortunately, the lack of trust remains a main problem in our tango.

One key reason people struggle with tango is a broader crisis of trust that reflects deeper societal issues. The decline of trust in American society stems from factors like rampant selfishness, institutionalized corruption, economic instability, increased stress and competition, rising inequality, high inflation, commercial fraud, cybercrime, partisan strifes, ideological wars, and media-driven misinformation, etc. These forces create an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust. American culture prioritizes self-reliance, individual achievement, and personal success. People often focus more on their own needs and strategies than on moral considerations and collective well-being. This heightens tension, competition, and mistrust between individuals. As people face economic hardships, political divisions, and deceit in various aspects of life, they become wary, fearing guile, manipulation and betrayal. This pervasive lack of trust seeps into personal interactions, making it difficult to surrender to the vulnerability that tango demands. When we don’t trust, we disengage, choosing alienation and control over connection and cooperation.

Tango offers profound lessons on the importance of trust. In a world where trust is increasingly fragile, this intimate dance reminds us that human connection and cooperation are only possible when we trust each other. By embracing trust on the dance floor, we may rediscover the key to restoring it in the wider world. Confucius regarded benevolence, justice, propriety, wisdom and trust as basic human qualities. Tango, with its emphasis on trust, can serve as a powerful tool for rebuilding our faith in these qualities and in humanity. Through this dance of intimacy, connection, and surrender, we can relearn how to trust and rely on one another. Tango teaches us the joy that arises from surrendering control in the right context, reminding us that not every situation requires us to be in charge. Sometimes, perhaps more often, the most fulfilling experiences come from trusting each other and moving in harmony together.

The Impact of Chinese Characters

Chinese characters are one of the most ingenious inventions of the Chinese people. China is a vast country the size of Europe. Two-thirds of China's total area is mountainous. In ancient times when transportation was underdeveloped, different regions were relatively isolated from each other, leading to the formation of numerous local dialects. People speaking different dialects could not communicate with each other. (See Tango Is a Language (II).)

To enable communication, the clever Chinese people invented Chinese characters, a system of ideograms. Each character represents a meaning rather than a sound. This way, people from different regions can still communicate through the written system despite their different pronunciations.

The disadvantage of Chinese characters is that they are difficult to learn. A person needs to master over three thousand characters to be considered educated. The complexity of the characters and large number of them pose significant challenges to literacy, as learning them demands considerable effort and time.

However, the advantage of Chinese characters is that they provide a unified communication tool for people who speak different dialects. Without Chinese characters, China would have fragmented into many countries like Europe. In many ways, Chinese characters are the bedrock and vessel of Chinese civilization. The enduring brilliance of Chinese culture is largely owed to the timelessness of its written script. Throughout its long history, China has been invaded by northern nomads numerous times. In order to govern China, these invaders had to adopt Chinese characters and embrace the rich Chinese culture preserved and passed down through them. In doing so, they ultimately assimilated into Chinese civilization and became part of it.

The common written language has played a crucial role in maintaining the unity and cohesion of the Chinese nation. It has allowed for the centralized administration of a vast and diverse country, facilitated trade and cultural exchange, and fostered a shared identity among the Chinese people. In addition, Chinese characters have been pivotal in preserving the integrity of Chinese culture. Western languages that use the Roman alphabet are more prone to foreign influences. English, for instance, adds approximately 1,000 new words annually. This linguistic mutability contributes to the instability of Western society. In contrast, the Chinese language is much more stable and resistant to external influences. Its words and phrases are built from characters, making learning and coining new terms simpler once these characters are mastered. This distinctive character-based system has preserved the uniqueness and purity of Chinese culture. Besides, as calligraphy, Chinese characters are an art in themselves and have had a profound impact on Chinese people's aesthetics.

As ideograms, Chinese characters carry meanings and values, such as benevolence (仁), propriety (禮), and filial piety (孝). China, with its long history, has a wealth of classical literature. A large number of Chinese words, idioms, concepts and expressions still used by modern Chinese people can find their origins in these classics. Understanding them requires some background knowledge. For example, the character 信 contains two parts: on the left is 人 (man), on the right is 言 (word). 信 means a man should keep his words, as Confucius said, "Man cannot succeed without good faith (人無信不立)." Chinese children learn their language by studying Chinese characters and texts, which encapsulate the wisdom of countless generations, embedding moral values and social sagacity within the very fabric of the language. Learning Chinese instills in students an appreciation of their cultural heritage and traditional values. This deep connection between language, history, culture and values gives educated Chinese a unique character. I often feel that the Chinese people are fortunate because their language makes them a wise, cohesive, collectivist, cooperative, moderate, and moral people.

In summary, the impact of Chinese characters on Chinese society is profound and multifaceted. They have not only facilitated communication, but also maintained national unity. The shared written language helps preserve cultural heritage and values, reinforcing social cohesion and national identity. Moreover, the moral principles and social values conveyed through Chinese characters and classical texts continue to influence contemporary Chinese society, guiding behavior and social interactions. The enduring legacy of Chinese characters is a testament to the ingenuity of the Chinese people and their ability to adapt while remaining who they are in a complex and changing world. (See Understanding China: Geography, Confucianism, and Chinese-Style Modernization.)